Trying too hard?

I  am kinda sad... i dunno just feeling down. I had my typical distent family thanksgiving. I went to my apartment and slept over with my gf, that was really nice...She wasnt feeling well for a change we watched some tv together and then went to sleep. It feels comforting  to know shes there... its harder for me to sleep there now as im used to my moms house again... but there is something very comforting about having someone you love next to you. Woke up this morning, checked my e-mail and of course DS. Went to my moms house plugged in the ipod and took a shower and got ready to go out for the day. I did everything, my make up my hair ( which i have been avoiding styling my hair too much bc its falling out a bit with the meds.) but i just wanted to tell PEs and Coumadin to F**k off for the day, I wanted to be me! it started so nice, me and my gf went to this cute lil store we like that was supposed to be having a great sale today so we headed over there, they didnt have anything good but oh well.  Then we went to Jamba Juice and I got a yummy yummy smoothie... I had so much energy and I was so goofy singing with the ipod, I felt like me, I looked at the clouds, sipped my smoothie and said "wow this feels like life..."   Then we were off to meet my gfs best friend and his bf from CA at their hotel in miami, we get there everything is nice we are all laughing, and head off for a bite to eat... at the restaraunt i made the bold decision to have a drink...its been so long! I had a watermelon mojito and a caesar salad... but like i said earlier i wanted to tell coumadin to take a break that day. I was happy ok, the drink relaxed me it was nice.  It was just conversation and hanging out really casual, it was nice and cool outside.. again it felt good like my life. ( of course in real life, i would have had a couple more drinks... or maybee not at 10$ a pop jeez) I was next to my gf it just felt like old times... But then another friend came and met us, and their were two of our friends chain smoking, and it was really bothering me... it didnt hurt but it was making my throat all scratchy... I dont smoke, but I was always able to tolerate a bar atmosphere. This was only two people out in the open and I was feeling scratchy and I coughed some... This threw me into a horrible mood, I started thinking "wow there must be something really wrong with my lungs... why wont they heal... I want them to be normal" Then i felt really uncomfortable we were semi far from home, with one car and  all I wanted to do was cry. Not because I was feeling sooo sick, but bc I try so hard to get my life back, and I have little moments that feel so right and then moments that feel weird and scare me!  I was feeling so uncomforable, i didnt want my sadness to show, my gf hasnt seen her best friend in like 3 years and  I didnt want to cut the night short. Then one of our friends recommended that we go to some bars and at first the 21 yr old in me was all "hell yeh" and then I realized... "oh noo.... this is so uncomfortable.. I cant do this" It was so emotional for me. It seems so petty in some aspects... I ended up crying in the bathroom of the restaraunt with my gf...I just wanted to go home and hide. She took me home and went back out, and im happy she did... she hasnt seen her friend in so long. Sad thing is, I left more bc of the social anxiety I was expeircing then me feeling ill. I was so bitter inside, I wanted to go out and make a night of it and drink and get tipsy and have a grand ole' time, isnt that what 21 is for????????? I thought I was passed this issue but obviously not. All the people we were with are very nice and understand, but I felt like the party pooper. My gf said "oh no, Ashley cant really drink right now and being around all that smoke is no good" and I appreciated it, bc i was too proud to say anything, and I think if she wouldnt haI fve said that I would have ended up being dragged around to bars in miami watching people have good time. But then its like "oh well lets do something everyone can do" which is again a nice caring statement made by someone else but I just felt like  party pooper! Im the youngest one there and Im the boring one who cant go have fun. So here I sit at home, feeling down.. only bc of this never ending quest to have my life back. Am I trying too hard? I feel sometimes like I am, but i just want to get on with life... its just not going as smoothly as id like.  I feel so isolated sometimes... and i shut down! I just wanted to go home and hide bc I couldnt do what I wanted to do! Im happy that I was out all day and didnt really have any breathlessnes to speak of, just a little  here and there but nothing major...so YAY for that? I still feel stuffed from thanksgiving lol...Ive eaten sooo much pecan pie im going to explode....I think Ive gained weight which is disturbing me, my pants were sooo digging into my belly tonight! I really need to promise  myself to cut back..I think I am eating when Im sad too...  According to my therapist im doing well, and taking the right steps shes very encouraging which is nice, she says im well on my way to being mentally healthy...and sometimes I feel like thats true and sometimes i feel like im nutz. Im starting to get really angry about coumadin instead of sad...every eyelid twitch, every head ache, everytime i wake up and my hand is tingling and fallen asleep....every muscle cramp or twitch...its really pissing me off... and even though ive been diagnosed with a stress induced bladder issue, I sooooo still think its all coumadin, too many other women on ds are experiencing these sympthoms... If anyones made it this far in reading : KUDOS... Im not done Im just kinda typing and letting this engery out through my fingertips. My gf is going to LA, CA to visit friends for 6 days on Dec. 3rd Im going to miss her as shes really the only person i can physically go to with issues, I know  you guys will be here for me! I am gunna miss her terribly but she hasnt been out to CA for like 3 years so its about time for her to take a break... plus it will let her destress some from the situation as pe can also be hard on our loved ones. Im hoping that her little vaca will do wonders for our relationship when she comes back we can try starting over in a way. Plus, I am going to have some killer xmas presants this year hehe! My doggie is sick, hes like 14 years old! They did some bloodwork for another minor opperation to remove a small growth on his lip, and the bloodwork came out all crazy like he had a huge infection, the dr scared my mom and said he shouldnt even be alive...and hes more than "alive" hes running around waging his tail and eating like a freakin puppy... it was a weird paralell having heard the same thing about her daughter 5 months earlier. She was very upset freaking up...I know she was so upset bc it reminded her of what happened to me, but I tried to remind her that they said that about me and im here and ok, so he will be too. He is getting some antibiotics to see if it can control the infection, if these do not work they will do an ultrasound of his belly and see if there something else. It could be cancer, but im just trying to look at the positive... he has had a great long life and we will take care of him as long as we can! I love him dearly and have had him since I was a little girl and its going to be hard when he passes but at least I can be confident in the fact that his life has been great!  Hmm so I think thats all thats going on in my life, Im just going to hang out here at my apt. until my gf gets home and hopefully spend the night again!