Trying to write each day
In the past when I have tried to work on me and take care of me it always helped to do a daily journal. This site allows me the opportunity to write each day and share it with a community of people trying to find strength and hope to deal with whatever struggle is happening in their life.
I have been 16 days with no nicotine. I quit smoking in February 2006 and did it with nicotine gum. I then continued to chew that gum until 16 days ago! I think I took in more nicotine from the gum than actual cigarettes and of course it was easier. No one looked at me funny for chewing a piece of gum. They would not have let me light up in their home or car or work place. Can't blame them for that. I don't miss the smell or mess of that habit. My doctor helped me with my justified thinking. It was her preference that I use gum and not smoke. I agreed and when she told me it wasn't harmful I was all in! Good junkie thinking.
It was still hurting me and I know that because I feel physically better without it in my system. so it continues to be a daily work in progress. I don't want it and I have to work through my cravings each day and of course my stupid nasty addict withdrawing mean behavior. So yeah 16 days with no nicotine.
Also dealing with the triggers of my PTSD that my almost 20 year is creating with his choices. I am trying to work through it by managing my response. I am not doing it well. Part of me just wants to let loose and be a lunatic. I have done that and it is not a pretty picture. There are just days I don't want to be the responsible one holding it all together for everyone. It looks like a war zone around here when I don't keep it together. I don't like how that feels either. Finding a balance is not easy. It does need to happen. I am going to pay first and last for him to be on his own. Not sure he can handle it but I need to let go and let him do it. We can't be in the same house anymore. It is not good for either one of us. I honestly think he will figure it out once he has to sink or swim. Relying on me and me fixing it all is not good for either one of us either. I just get resentful and he gets oppositional and KABOOM. Not good.
So it will be another new chapter and part of me learning to let go. I do need to do that.
I have been 16 days with no nicotine. I quit smoking in February 2006 and did it with nicotine gum. I then continued to chew that gum until 16 days ago! I think I took in more nicotine from the gum than actual cigarettes and of course it was easier. No one looked at me funny for chewing a piece of gum. They would not have let me light up in their home or car or work place. Can't blame them for that. I don't miss the smell or mess of that habit. My doctor helped me with my justified thinking. It was her preference that I use gum and not smoke. I agreed and when she told me it wasn't harmful I was all in! Good junkie thinking.
It was still hurting me and I know that because I feel physically better without it in my system. so it continues to be a daily work in progress. I don't want it and I have to work through my cravings each day and of course my stupid nasty addict withdrawing mean behavior. So yeah 16 days with no nicotine.
Also dealing with the triggers of my PTSD that my almost 20 year is creating with his choices. I am trying to work through it by managing my response. I am not doing it well. Part of me just wants to let loose and be a lunatic. I have done that and it is not a pretty picture. There are just days I don't want to be the responsible one holding it all together for everyone. It looks like a war zone around here when I don't keep it together. I don't like how that feels either. Finding a balance is not easy. It does need to happen. I am going to pay first and last for him to be on his own. Not sure he can handle it but I need to let go and let him do it. We can't be in the same house anymore. It is not good for either one of us. I honestly think he will figure it out once he has to sink or swim. Relying on me and me fixing it all is not good for either one of us either. I just get resentful and he gets oppositional and KABOOM. Not good.
So it will be another new chapter and part of me learning to let go. I do need to do that.
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