Trying to take care of me...
This is the third weekend that I have not gone to see him. I havent talked to him all. I think this week was the hardest of the three, and I really started to feel loneliness sink in, and I started to second guess myself, and ask myself, was everything really so bad? Instead of focusing on the good moments though, I have been making myself think of all the bad ones. The constant need for sexual contact, the constant grabbing of inappropriate places even with my daughter around. Being told I am heartless and uncaring because I dont have a sex drive on a particular day, and I should want to meet his needs if I love him. The hurt looks, and the saying that I dont love and care about him because I didnt kiss him long enough, hug him long enough, or pulled my hand away when we were holding hands.
Yup, I keep telling myself the loneliness is better than going through that and being miserable and walking on egg shells.
I did see a recent picture of him on FB. He is working as an extra for a HBO series called 'Homeland' I believe. They had him in his costume, it was a moment of weakness, and then I started to think about how I felt in the relationship. It took a few hours of being bummed, but I finally got over it.
He has also been making contact with various women, so I feel he is looking to move on.
The things I have really been doing is focusing on myself and my daughter. We played on the Wii last night and had fun laughing at cutting up. We also watched a movie 'The Last Song' together. I have gotten back into taking care of myself again and working on those 50 lbs I gained from all the emotional eating I did in the relationship. I have lost 8 of them so far... I just keep telling myself that its time to take care of me, and focus on doing things I like to do with out feeling guilty because he was always so miserable, and I would avoid having fun because I felt it would make him feel bad. No more...
This is a hard thing to do... so much uncertainty. But I know this is for the best.
Yup, I keep telling myself the loneliness is better than going through that and being miserable and walking on egg shells.
I did see a recent picture of him on FB. He is working as an extra for a HBO series called 'Homeland' I believe. They had him in his costume, it was a moment of weakness, and then I started to think about how I felt in the relationship. It took a few hours of being bummed, but I finally got over it.
He has also been making contact with various women, so I feel he is looking to move on.
The things I have really been doing is focusing on myself and my daughter. We played on the Wii last night and had fun laughing at cutting up. We also watched a movie 'The Last Song' together. I have gotten back into taking care of myself again and working on those 50 lbs I gained from all the emotional eating I did in the relationship. I have lost 8 of them so far... I just keep telling myself that its time to take care of me, and focus on doing things I like to do with out feeling guilty because he was always so miserable, and I would avoid having fun because I felt it would make him feel bad. No more...
This is a hard thing to do... so much uncertainty. But I know this is for the best.
Replies
Yes, loneliness sucks, but what\'s the alternative?
I love that you\'re reminding yourself of the reasons you left him - good for you. That, for me, was always the hardest part, as my mind would try to justify and rationalize all the reasons, \"things weren\'t really that bad\" just not to feel the pain of loneliness.
Like all feelings, loneliness passes, and will soon become a thing of the past, as you fill your life up with all good stuff. There will come a day when you look back and say to yourself, \"what the hell was I thinking staying with that guy?\".
8 pounds is incredible! Wow! Good for you!
And your daughter - I can only imagine that she\'s enjoying having her mommy back. She has your attention, rather than the distraction, upset, and focus on a person that made her mommy sad and anxious most of the time. It\'s amazing what kids do see and notice. That\'s what always motivated me.
Kudo\'s!!!!! You\'re my inspiration today! : )