Trying to stay positive

I've had several people tell me that writing is therapeutic and I'd have to agree. I used to write all the time when I was younger but for whatever reason, I stopped. Lately, my life feels like a blur and nothing seems to be making sense. This whole infertility journey has been so much harder than I expected and I am beyond a breaking point. I'm sad all the time and now, I have more anger towards God than I ever thought I could have. It just doesn't seem fair to me. Not that life is supposed to be, but infertility is a deep sting. It follows you everywhere and I don't think women ever really heal or move on from it. I think there will always be a part of them that grieves the fact that they could never carry their own children, including myself. The challenge for me, is to stay positive. Positive through all the pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, and baby showers. Positive after every negative pregnancy test and the day that the inevitable period starts. Positive through all the heartache of watching my friends play and nurture their babies while my arms remain empty. Positive when everyone keeps asking when I'm going to have a baby, not knowing the struggle I am going through or realizing how much their questions break my heart. Positive through all the fights, disagreements, and distance this journey has caused between me and my husband. There comes a point where I just don't know if I have it in me anymore. I don't want to force a smile, act like I'm happy, or have to hold back tears every time a friend tells me she's pregnant. There comes a point where you just can't stay positive anymore and you don't know what to do. I am depressed and miserable most days. I am lucky if I get one full day of normalcy. My husband says I should see a therapist, but what will that help if it doesn't result in a baby anyway? I must sound like a fool. All I want is a baby, but why can't I see all the ways I am currently blessed? I have a wonderful and patient husband, I have a steady job, a great support system, good overall health, etc. Why can't I shake this void I feel inside and why can't I just accept my fate? Some days I wake up and feel nothing. Not a damn thing, which sounds good in theory (better than feeling pain after all) but it scares me most when I get like that. I feel like I'm dead inside and I begin to wonder why on earth I am still here. What purpose do I have when my lifelong dream seems to be impossible? I'll be honest, I struggle with wanting to be alive some days. No, I am not suicidal so please don't rush to call the cops. I just mean, I want the pain to stop. And it doesn't just affect me. My emotions have taken a toll on my husband and those closest to me. I don't want to see anyone, embrace anyone, talk to anyone anymore. I am a cold, barely alive version of my old self. I used to be happy, healthy, optimistic and ready to take on anything the world had to throw at me. Now, I can barely handle getting out of bed. I've had to set my alarm a whole two hours before I have to be awake because it takes me that long just to muster up the motivation to move. I've started binge eating again after I had about a year of sobriety and now I can't seem to stop. This journey has perhaps impacted more than any trauma I've already endured. I want to be positive, I do. But after so much lost hope, all I can see is gray.