Trying To Stay Positive

A quick backgrounder:  I was diagnosed with Adenocarcinoma (Esophageal Cancer) in August of 2016.  It was stage 3 at the time.  I underwent chemo/radiation, and both failed.  I'm now at stage 4, and am terminal; I have two or three months left to live.  I had to retire; I was a licensed funeral director.  The treatments wore me down to the point that I had no energy whatsoever.

It's 4 months since my diagnosis, and my symptoms are getting rather rough.  The cancer is now in my left kidney, my stomach, and in my spine.  Some days the pain is almost unbearable, and I wear the fentanyl patch, and have morphine for breaktrough pain.  I've recently had to start taking the morphine on a regular basis, since I'm at 100mcg/hr on the patch, and that's the strongest they make.

I led a very active lifestyle, and now my life is reduced to sleeping, and sitting around.  I still drive, although I won't get behind the wheel if I've had much morphine, so I don't get out nearly as often as I used to, and it's wearing on me mentally.  I'm receiving great support from Heartland Hospice Services, and I have a very devoted fiancee, so it's not like I'm battling the illness by myself.  Still, it's very hard to go from being very active to the way it is today.

I'm grateful that I have had time to prepare for my death, and have been able to tie up a lot of loose ends. Still, having a terminal illness and knowing your days are very numbered can be very depressing.  I can't realistically make long-term plans.  What really bothers me is that my oldest son is graduating from college in May of this year, and I won't be here to see it.  That's like a sucker punch to the gut.

So that gives you a good idea of who I am.  I'm more than happy to answer any questions, and glad to befriend anyone here.  We're all in this together, and together, we can get great support.