trying to stay positive
I'm just here. almost 6 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby. I'm terrified. I wish I could just fast forward through all the morning sickness and swollen ankles and sleepless anxious nights of kick-counting and just HOLD A SQUIRMING NEWBORN BABY! I knew this was going to be hard going in, but you never really realize what this is until you're pregnant and touching your stomach every 5 seconds thinking "Oh god please don't die, please don't die."
I can't wait to see her/his little heartbeat next week. It will be such a comfort to talk to my doctor, hopefully I get a human being this time and not a robot-doctor. I just want someone to say your baby will live and be healthy and full term and you will bring them home and raise them, no questions asked.
Haha, right?
There's no guarantees on anything anymore. I still feel as though anyone can die any second, that's why I'm constantly saying I love you to my boyfriend and I think it's getting on his nerves. I don't care.
I just watched a show called secretly pregnant and this woman got pregnant 10 weeks after delivering a full term baby boy who was stillborn. It was hard to watch but I felt like I needed to. However,I didn't like how the show just referred to her lost son just as the "stillborn" and didn't even try to acknowledge his name. She cried and talked about how alone she was, and that she was hiding her most recent pregnancy because of the lack of support she got from her friends after losing her son Jonas, which I completely understand. I just wanted to hug her.
The ending was good but her baby was premie and had to be airlifted to NICU which you could tell scared the shit out of her, I would have completely lost it by then. But he lived, thank God. So there's one more rainbow baby out there!
It kind of makes me wonder though, how many women go through this alone? At least my family lets me talk about her and at least try to be respectful, and I have DS as well. What about all these moms who go through it alone? After the phone calls and doctors visits stop and you're just stuck in a house with all your baby stuff and everyone telling you to "get over it". That must be unbearable.
I just read sanitybd's journal about visiting the graveyard and that kind of resonated with me too because I do that whenever I go to see Sophia's grave. I hate to see new grave markers go up and thinking of the new moms who just buried their kids there. It literally makes me sick to my stomach.
But I just have to keep positive! No stressing this baby out. my rainbow is developing a heart this week. He/she is the size of an orange seed apparently :)
My friend Ana is trying to get pregnant right now and is ecstatic about my pregnancy. She just checked out a few books on pregnancy to give to me, it's sweet but I can't bring myself to say "Ana, I know what to expect for a normal pregnancy. Can you help me find a book about what to expect after your whole world has been broken into little pieces?" How do you have a normal pregnancy after losing a child????? I don't think I ever will. There will always be a part of me that's screaming DON'T GET ATTACHED you never know what will happen...
Anyway, there's your daily glimpse into my bipolar pregnant mind at the moment. I'm ecstatic and scared to death and impatient and now hungry. :)
I can't wait to see her/his little heartbeat next week. It will be such a comfort to talk to my doctor, hopefully I get a human being this time and not a robot-doctor. I just want someone to say your baby will live and be healthy and full term and you will bring them home and raise them, no questions asked.
Haha, right?
There's no guarantees on anything anymore. I still feel as though anyone can die any second, that's why I'm constantly saying I love you to my boyfriend and I think it's getting on his nerves. I don't care.
I just watched a show called secretly pregnant and this woman got pregnant 10 weeks after delivering a full term baby boy who was stillborn. It was hard to watch but I felt like I needed to. However,I didn't like how the show just referred to her lost son just as the "stillborn" and didn't even try to acknowledge his name. She cried and talked about how alone she was, and that she was hiding her most recent pregnancy because of the lack of support she got from her friends after losing her son Jonas, which I completely understand. I just wanted to hug her.
The ending was good but her baby was premie and had to be airlifted to NICU which you could tell scared the shit out of her, I would have completely lost it by then. But he lived, thank God. So there's one more rainbow baby out there!
It kind of makes me wonder though, how many women go through this alone? At least my family lets me talk about her and at least try to be respectful, and I have DS as well. What about all these moms who go through it alone? After the phone calls and doctors visits stop and you're just stuck in a house with all your baby stuff and everyone telling you to "get over it". That must be unbearable.
I just read sanitybd's journal about visiting the graveyard and that kind of resonated with me too because I do that whenever I go to see Sophia's grave. I hate to see new grave markers go up and thinking of the new moms who just buried their kids there. It literally makes me sick to my stomach.
But I just have to keep positive! No stressing this baby out. my rainbow is developing a heart this week. He/she is the size of an orange seed apparently :)
My friend Ana is trying to get pregnant right now and is ecstatic about my pregnancy. She just checked out a few books on pregnancy to give to me, it's sweet but I can't bring myself to say "Ana, I know what to expect for a normal pregnancy. Can you help me find a book about what to expect after your whole world has been broken into little pieces?" How do you have a normal pregnancy after losing a child????? I don't think I ever will. There will always be a part of me that's screaming DON'T GET ATTACHED you never know what will happen...
Anyway, there's your daily glimpse into my bipolar pregnant mind at the moment. I'm ecstatic and scared to death and impatient and now hungry. :)
Replies
You are so not alone. I am 22 weeks now with my rainbow and I just had a major breakdown. I think a lot of it has to do with in 19 days my sweet Andrew went to heaven a year ago. I am freaking out about my new son now and how I wish I could live at the Dr\'s office. There are no words of advice on this. It is a tough road and not the most fun, I am not going to sugar coat anything. I mean it is fun to know that you are growing a sweet baby but after what we went through it\'s not the fun we thought the first round. All we can do it just stay positive and take care of ourselves and our new joys and know that we have no control what happens just keep believing. If you need anything message me. Many thoughts and prayers are sent your way. Keep growing little one big and strong, and Sophia look out for your lil brother/sister and keep them safe and keep your mommy safe. (((Hugs))) Andrea
You are so not alone. I am 22 weeks now with my rainbow and I just had a major breakdown. I think a lot of it has to do with in 19 days my sweet Andrew went to heaven a year ago. I am freaking out about my new son now and how I wish I could live at the Dr\'s office. There are no words of advice on this. It is a tough road and not the most fun, I am not going to sugar coat anything. I mean it is fun to know that you are growing a sweet baby but after what we went through it\'s not the fun we thought the first round. All we can do it just stay positive and take care of ourselves and our new joys and know that we have no control what happens just keep believing. If you need anything message me. Many thoughts and prayers are sent your way. Keep growing little one big and strong, and Sophia look out for your lil brother/sister and keep them safe and keep your mommy safe. (((Hugs))) Andrea
You are so not alone. I am 22 weeks now with my rainbow and I just had a major breakdown. I think a lot of it has to do with in 19 days my sweet Andrew went to heaven a year ago. I am freaking out about my new son now and how I wish I could live at the Dr\'s office. There are no words of advice on this. It is a tough road and not the most fun, I am not going to sugar coat anything. I mean it is fun to know that you are growing a sweet baby but after what we went through it\'s not the fun we thought the first round. All we can do it just stay positive and take care of ourselves and our new joys and know that we have no control what happens just keep believing. If you need anything message me. Many thoughts and prayers are sent your way. Keep growing little one big and strong, and Sophia look out for your lil brother/sister and keep them safe and keep your mommy safe. (((Hugs))) Andrea
Sorry that this posted 3 times. I do not get what is going on with DS right now.
I am so with the both of you. This is just the beginning. I am 21 weeks pregnant now and I worry every minute and like Andrea, I wish I could just live in the doctors office. I am on at home bed rest and wish desperately that my doctor will soon send me to the hospital. At least there I can be monitored daily and if I worry about something, all I have to do is push a button to get a nurse.
Here\'s to courage, strength, and hope!! Hugs!!! - Jennifer
Easy is not a part of my pregnancy vocabulary anymore. Staying positive is what everyone tells me to do, but that\'s certainly easier said than done. I\'ve found that I have to keep a lot of my fears and anxieties to myself, my husband, and my DS friends, because the other people in my life, although VERY suppportive, are so overwhelmingly optimistic that all their cheeriness gets to me. I just want people to be real. I end up once again feeling very alone and isolated in my worry.
I hope that your pregnancy is incredibly uneventful and ends with a a sweet, screaming, warm baby in your arms. The road to get there is long and very unpreditable, but I truly hope for this for you.
Hugs,
Kelsey
it is not easy at all being pregnant with your rainbow baby. You worry everyday. But what got me through is thinking positive on everything and it works. Just pray.
I\'m not pregnant (yet) I just lost my son over 3 weeks ago but I can relate to your feelings. I know I am going to worry with each new pregnancy I experience. I\'m glad that you have support and I just wanted to send good thoughts your way. Wishing you strength. -Amy