Trying to stay calm

ok, im trying to think rationally. ok im broke, i cant get back to work full time, but the few days i do work the sitters are out in belfair. the sticks, where i am now. even when i get my child support, IF i get the back pay in a  lump sum, and if i get what i want, i would not have enough money to move out.  it did look like i was going to have a sitter till september, but that fell through too. i dont know where im suposed to go. i should just stay here. i dont know what else to do. im stuck it seems. but its so hard to handle. always playing a game, who said what, watching what i say, diciphering what is true and what is not. im not made for that stuff. it drives me nuts. even my sister stirs things up. i just want away from here, i want my baby away from here. good for visit. bad for live. so the question is. say i get the max, and a lump sum in back pay, i still owe them here about 800 or so for my horses. totally  not enough to move out, around 2,000 left over. and what if my car cops out? and furniture, and all that jazz....  there are too many what if's for me to feel comfortable in any situation right now. i know.... the universe will provide... but its hard to not constantly think and stress about this crap. and i do want to move to az. i need to save up as much as possible for that. the best way to save money, to get ahead easier in the future is to stay where im at or move with my mom for now. but im just not sure i can handle it. i just want to throw things at people. i hate all this fake stuff, he said she said, why cant people just tell the damn truth. and stop stressing me out. things arent such a big deal. but i feel like its a big deal because eveeryone stresses, and it makes me stress.   wish i could block it all out.  

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deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m trying to think rationally, too. lol I mean it, I\'m wracking my brain to try to come up with something 100% positive to say....and it\'s just not there... But I do understand the frustration you\'re going through, I was there when my first was born. Sometimes I look back on those times and wonder how I ever made it through them without completely going crazy! Or going crazy, completely! It was me and Jimmy against the world! My step dad let me stay with him for a while. Actually, he didn\'t want me to leave. He worked out of town (Laughlin, construction), so I had his place to myself. He treated me like a daughter, and fell in love with Jimmy. He actually gave me time to slow down, think about what it was I was trying to accomplish. A reprieve from my normal insanity way of living. There\'s lots and lots of gaps in that story! lol Probably only makes sense to me. But I do understand the turmoil you\'re going through, a new mom with a responsibility bigger than the sky. A life in your hands, the desire to do all the right things, and not make the mistakes our parents made. That\'s a tall order! I discovered I didn\'t make all the mistakes my parents made, I made my own. It kinda\' taught me that I needed to let my kids make their own mistakes, hoping they wouldn\'t repeat mine, and believing, beyond hope, that they wouldn\'t make the same mistakes I made, they would get through this life on their own. It was hard not to want to hold on too tight. Now I\'m just off on some other subject! lol It\'s true, I see so much of myself in you. Only I had a baby boy...and I was a couple yrs older than what you are now. And my circumstances were different...lol...well, the feelings, I\'m feeling, seem to feel like what you\'re expressing in your journal entries. Feelings from a long time ago... here for you always...Love, Grandma Robin