Trying to see through the darkness
I've been home for just over a week now. This past week at home has been so much more difficult than the few days I was in the hospital after the boys were born. I have had so many days where it was so hard to get out of bed. I was worried that when I went home I would not be able to sleep, but the opposite has been true. I have slept have of many days away. I sometimes wake up thinking that when I am fully awake I'll realize it was all a bad dream and that I will still be pregnant.
It would have been 24weeks yesterday. This was a really hard thing to take. So many times it runs through my mind at how unfair all of this is. How unfair it is for all of us to have difficulty getting pregnant and then for others to stay pregnant- and I guess both for some of us.
I have had some more lucid moments though. I have been reading a book called "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" that the nurses in L&D gave me. It is a good book. I can't sit and read it for long periods, but it has given me affirmation of my feelings, of my desire to look at Andrew and Benjamin's photos over and over again, and of my avid desire to start trying to get pregnant as soon as my doctors tell me my body is ready. I know I can never replace our sons, but I guess I just feel like I'm not getting any younger and I do not want to waste a second of any time I have left to have children.
I'm supposed to see my high-risk OB this coming week on Wednesday...and again in a few weeks. He said that in addition to making sure I was healing well from my delivery and pregnancy, he wanted to start to talk about "next time" and how we would approach a future pregnancy. I also want to make an appointment to see my RE in January. We have 5 beautiful little embryos frozen from our IVF cycle this past Summer that produced the boys. I want to discuss all of our options...should we only try implanting one at a time for example as perhaps my body can't manage twins? I don't really know what he is going to say, but want to start the discussion early. We also have a close family friend...kind of extended family...who is a well-respected and published RE in Texas. He has also offered to review all of my medical records for a second opinion if we want it which we are going to do before making a decision about or embryos. We are also willing to do a full IVF cycle again, but think we will use our embryos first...as my eggs will never be as young s they were then.
We'll see how the rest of today goes. At least I am having a lucid day so far...saddness is always there, but not so overwhelming at the moment that I can't do anything. Thankful for small favors.
I do want to thank everyone for your thoughts, prayers, and messages. It is more helpful than I can express to know that others are reaching out to you-
It would have been 24weeks yesterday. This was a really hard thing to take. So many times it runs through my mind at how unfair all of this is. How unfair it is for all of us to have difficulty getting pregnant and then for others to stay pregnant- and I guess both for some of us.
I have had some more lucid moments though. I have been reading a book called "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" that the nurses in L&D gave me. It is a good book. I can't sit and read it for long periods, but it has given me affirmation of my feelings, of my desire to look at Andrew and Benjamin's photos over and over again, and of my avid desire to start trying to get pregnant as soon as my doctors tell me my body is ready. I know I can never replace our sons, but I guess I just feel like I'm not getting any younger and I do not want to waste a second of any time I have left to have children.
I'm supposed to see my high-risk OB this coming week on Wednesday...and again in a few weeks. He said that in addition to making sure I was healing well from my delivery and pregnancy, he wanted to start to talk about "next time" and how we would approach a future pregnancy. I also want to make an appointment to see my RE in January. We have 5 beautiful little embryos frozen from our IVF cycle this past Summer that produced the boys. I want to discuss all of our options...should we only try implanting one at a time for example as perhaps my body can't manage twins? I don't really know what he is going to say, but want to start the discussion early. We also have a close family friend...kind of extended family...who is a well-respected and published RE in Texas. He has also offered to review all of my medical records for a second opinion if we want it which we are going to do before making a decision about or embryos. We are also willing to do a full IVF cycle again, but think we will use our embryos first...as my eggs will never be as young s they were then.
We'll see how the rest of today goes. At least I am having a lucid day so far...saddness is always there, but not so overwhelming at the moment that I can't do anything. Thankful for small favors.
I do want to thank everyone for your thoughts, prayers, and messages. It is more helpful than I can express to know that others are reaching out to you-
Replies
It is good to hear from u. Hope u are feeling better now. Hope u will feel much better after u talk to ur Dr. and then decide what to do next. Wish u the best of luck and baby dust to all.
I have been thinking about you and what happened. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I could never understand how this has been for you but I have cried reading your entries. I think it is so unfair that this had to happen. I understand what you mean about it being unfair for people to get pg, maintain the pg, or both. It sounds like you have a lot of good support in the medical community and also that friend that is an RE. It always made me feel better once I saw the MD to discuss the plan for trying again. I can tell that as much as you have been through you are not ready to give up. And although I could never fully understand what you are feeling (my losses were much earlier), I also felt the need to try again. If you need anything, you can send me a message. You are in my prayers everyday.
Just sending you a virtual hug. Thinking lots about you. After my losses, I would have good days and bad days, but once AF came again (can take a couple months), I started noticeably feeling better because the hormones start to rise again. That and having a plan with your RE is a good thing; it helps to look ahead. I was wondering whether you should implant just a single embryo transfer too --> I\'ll be curious to see what your RE says.
*hugs* Elin