Trying to remember happy 12/22/2013
This morning I'm trying to remember happy. I feel okay this morning. The chronic pain is light and I haven't had to taken anything. At this point I'm wondering if I remember how to be happy.
I feel like I should be happy at this moment when things seem to be in place. I think the fear that this isn't going to last is what is keeping me from allowing myself a moment of peace and happiness. The thing is nothing stays be it good or bad. I'm trying not to label things as good or bad anymore. Things are as they are.
Can you be happy and at peace even when things are going "bad"? I believe you can. Negative thinking and dark moods become such a bad habit. I don' missing the feeling as much as fear its return. But if it returns I just need to let it go. I can't control it. It will pass by like a dark cloud on a stormy day if I just allow it to pass on its own.
Knowing there is a simple fix like letting go seems to help. Trying to control every thought or feeling is what causes that infinite loop of pain. The book had an example of a new farmer who spilt some milk. He tried to clean it with water but that just made the mess even worse. The more water the more of a mess. The old farmer said next time just let the small puddle of milk dry up. The it will simply sweep away.
I also like the cloud story of just letting the thoughts/feelings float by. Some are good white fluffy clouds and some are dark stormy clouds but they float past in time without me having to react or control. Imagine trying to control a cloud! You would go mad as there is nothing you can do to control a cloud or the weather.
Perhaps are brains are nothing more then a weather system of seasons. On warm sunny days we enjoy the beach. On cloudy rainy days we find other ways to keep ourselves entertained until the sun comes out again. Even after the worst storms the sun will shine again.
But I go back to my original quesiton...do I remember how to be happy? Right now the day still feels a bit daunting. Perhaps if I could get a string of consecutive days where I actually felt "OK" it would help build some confidence. It's times like this I wish I could see my future. It's like if I knew that on some magical date in the future that I would be happy again I could feel happy now knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I would like to say that right now, feeling "OK" at the moment, is the start of a better tomorrow and a better day after tomorrow and so on. I guess my issue would be the disappointment if that's not the case.
Like Forest Gump's mom said "life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what you're going to get". I would like to high time to be higher and the low times to be not so low.
I pray for the day when I can look back at this time after several months of recovery and remember how I overcame this nightmare. I know that day will be here soon but I can't yet grasp it.
It's like begin in a jail and I can almost reach the key hanging on a hook. If I can just find that last little bit of reach I can grab it. Perhaps that last bit of reach will come in several forms such as meds, therapy, family/friend support, getting out of the house, exercising regardless of pain, going back to church and volunteering to help others, taking a class, working with the animal shelter, this list goes on.
The low energy of depression makes that extra little bit of reach so much harder. Depression makes it so easy to just give up. Low energy, low motivation it all adds up to that feeling of hopelessness we all suffer. Just thinking about doing all the things I need to do in-order to get better makes me tired and sad. But this is where sheer will power needs to kick in.
We all have a survival instinct that was built in since life began. Even the simplest of life forms will take action if it feels it's survival is at stake. Perhaps its that same survival instinct that we need to tap into in-order to fight the depression. When depression says that we can't do whatever because we are too tired or to afraid that's when we need to tap the survival instinct.
If someone attacked you you're instinct would be to fight back without you having to think about it. Depression is an attacker stealing our energy and our will to live. If we tap our primal instincts we will fight back by doing what we need to do...in other words "fight back" against our attacker.
When a bully pushes you then you push back even harder. Once a bully finds that you're no longer afraid the bully will move on to find someone else. Depression is nothing but our own internal bully. Bullies are nothing more then cowards. Depression is a sad weak coward. Like the Wizard of Oz it's nothing more then a small weak man hiding behind a thin curtain.
The media spends all of its energy finding the tiny fraction of evil that exists making the world seem like a terrible scary place. What about the person that helped the man in a wheelchair up some stairs. What about the people that donated food and clothes to help the poor. What about the person in line that let you go ahead because you only had a couple of things.
I guess we forget about those things in depression and focus instead on anything that we consider negative. The trught is negative doesn't exist in the real or spiritual worlds. Negative is all in our heads. If your team loses you think thats a negative but the other team things its a positive. How can the exact same event be negative and positive at the same time? It can't because it's only in our mind that we create this notion.
I hope that I can take all of this and use it to remember how to be happy again...
More to come...
I feel like I should be happy at this moment when things seem to be in place. I think the fear that this isn't going to last is what is keeping me from allowing myself a moment of peace and happiness. The thing is nothing stays be it good or bad. I'm trying not to label things as good or bad anymore. Things are as they are.
Can you be happy and at peace even when things are going "bad"? I believe you can. Negative thinking and dark moods become such a bad habit. I don' missing the feeling as much as fear its return. But if it returns I just need to let it go. I can't control it. It will pass by like a dark cloud on a stormy day if I just allow it to pass on its own.
Knowing there is a simple fix like letting go seems to help. Trying to control every thought or feeling is what causes that infinite loop of pain. The book had an example of a new farmer who spilt some milk. He tried to clean it with water but that just made the mess even worse. The more water the more of a mess. The old farmer said next time just let the small puddle of milk dry up. The it will simply sweep away.
I also like the cloud story of just letting the thoughts/feelings float by. Some are good white fluffy clouds and some are dark stormy clouds but they float past in time without me having to react or control. Imagine trying to control a cloud! You would go mad as there is nothing you can do to control a cloud or the weather.
Perhaps are brains are nothing more then a weather system of seasons. On warm sunny days we enjoy the beach. On cloudy rainy days we find other ways to keep ourselves entertained until the sun comes out again. Even after the worst storms the sun will shine again.
But I go back to my original quesiton...do I remember how to be happy? Right now the day still feels a bit daunting. Perhaps if I could get a string of consecutive days where I actually felt "OK" it would help build some confidence. It's times like this I wish I could see my future. It's like if I knew that on some magical date in the future that I would be happy again I could feel happy now knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I would like to say that right now, feeling "OK" at the moment, is the start of a better tomorrow and a better day after tomorrow and so on. I guess my issue would be the disappointment if that's not the case.
Like Forest Gump's mom said "life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what you're going to get". I would like to high time to be higher and the low times to be not so low.
I pray for the day when I can look back at this time after several months of recovery and remember how I overcame this nightmare. I know that day will be here soon but I can't yet grasp it.
It's like begin in a jail and I can almost reach the key hanging on a hook. If I can just find that last little bit of reach I can grab it. Perhaps that last bit of reach will come in several forms such as meds, therapy, family/friend support, getting out of the house, exercising regardless of pain, going back to church and volunteering to help others, taking a class, working with the animal shelter, this list goes on.
The low energy of depression makes that extra little bit of reach so much harder. Depression makes it so easy to just give up. Low energy, low motivation it all adds up to that feeling of hopelessness we all suffer. Just thinking about doing all the things I need to do in-order to get better makes me tired and sad. But this is where sheer will power needs to kick in.
We all have a survival instinct that was built in since life began. Even the simplest of life forms will take action if it feels it's survival is at stake. Perhaps its that same survival instinct that we need to tap into in-order to fight the depression. When depression says that we can't do whatever because we are too tired or to afraid that's when we need to tap the survival instinct.
If someone attacked you you're instinct would be to fight back without you having to think about it. Depression is an attacker stealing our energy and our will to live. If we tap our primal instincts we will fight back by doing what we need to do...in other words "fight back" against our attacker.
When a bully pushes you then you push back even harder. Once a bully finds that you're no longer afraid the bully will move on to find someone else. Depression is nothing but our own internal bully. Bullies are nothing more then cowards. Depression is a sad weak coward. Like the Wizard of Oz it's nothing more then a small weak man hiding behind a thin curtain.
The media spends all of its energy finding the tiny fraction of evil that exists making the world seem like a terrible scary place. What about the person that helped the man in a wheelchair up some stairs. What about the people that donated food and clothes to help the poor. What about the person in line that let you go ahead because you only had a couple of things.
I guess we forget about those things in depression and focus instead on anything that we consider negative. The trught is negative doesn't exist in the real or spiritual worlds. Negative is all in our heads. If your team loses you think thats a negative but the other team things its a positive. How can the exact same event be negative and positive at the same time? It can't because it's only in our mind that we create this notion.
I hope that I can take all of this and use it to remember how to be happy again...
More to come...
Replies
Great post! It sounds like you are getting a lot out of the book. That\'s great. I would only ask that you not push yourself too hard to make what seem now to be monumental changes in your life. Just try to get through each day, doing what you can, celebrating small successes. Pace yourself. You are operating on only two cylinders and it\'s not your fault. You are not to blame for feeling like shit.
Hang in there.