Trying to remember

It's amazing to me how easy it is to forget the myriad things that have happened over the years. Both big and small, it is hard to remember exactly what happened at any given moment. And that makes it so much easier to justify and excuse his ridiculously mean behavior. I can only assume this is a defense mechanism that our brains have to make our situations more bearable--cognitive dissonance anyone?!
This weekend was bearable because he was suddenly in a better mood than he has been. However, on Friday he went out and was drinking. I had sex with him after feeding him at midnight--in the hopes that I would actually be able to get some sleep and not argue--I had to be at work at 8 AM. Unfortunately, that was not in the cards. He woke me at 1:30 trying to have sex with me again--literally on top of me. He could not "perform", so when I woke up he rolled off of me and actually pretended that my moving around had woken him! I immediately fell back to sleep. Again at 2:15 (yes, I glanced at the clock while pretending to still be asleep) this happened. Again, he rolled off me and pretended to stretch and in a sleepy voice asks me "what my problem is, why do you keep waking me up?" I don't even respond to that because I am so irritated at this point and I know that to respond is just going to set him off on a rampage. Unbelievably, he wakes me again at 3AM, same thing! This time, I roll over, get a drink, go to the bathroom, and come back curling in a ball on my side facing him in the hopes that he will get the "hint" without me having to say anything and start a fight. He asks me "what is wrong with you?" I mumbled something about having to use the bathroom and closed my eyes. To express his irritation with me for not "going along with his plan", he sits up on the edge of the bed and begins punching the mattress. I ignored him. He then gets up, punches the bed once more, leaves the room, slams the door and stays out in the rest of the house for nearly 20 minutes. Of course, at this point, I cannot go back to sleep because now I'm wondering what in the hell he's doing out in the rest of the house. (Thank God the kids stayed with their friends that night). He then comes back in the bedroom, snatches the comforter off the bed and lays down on the floor. ON THE FLOOR! He has NEVER laid down on the floor before that I'm aware of. This goes on for another 20 minutes with him sighing and making noises. Finally he gets back in the bed and falls asleep. At this point it is 4 in the morning and I have to be at work in 4 hours.
My job is 45 minutes away on a good day (no traffic). He knows I have to leave by 7 to make sure I am at work on time. I woke up at 8:20. He is sitting there drinking his coffee (he has made the trip to 7-11 this morning already) and calmly says to me, "what time did you have to be at work?" At this point I can't figure out why I didn't wake up to the alarms (I had two phone alarms set, plus the house alarm clock). Turns out, both of the phones have been turned off, and the alarm was magically not set. I was over an hour late for work. Not only did he keep me up, but he made sure I was late for work by turning off my alarms, and he was UP and watched me sleeping!! When I asked him why he didn't wake me, his comment is "What did you want me to do, kick you out of the bed this morning? You need to take some responsibility for yourself and stop expecting me to take care of everything!" AHHHHHHHHHHH...........!!!!!!!
I get ovarian cysts at times--not that often, maybe every 4-5 months or so. I've gotten them for the past 7 years, since I got my tubes tied. They can be severely debilitating--at times I am in so much pain I cannot walk and I'm vomiting and running a fever when they get really bad. Yesterday morning, out of the blue, I woke up with one on my right side. I was in so much pain that I was actually slurring my words and nonfunctional. I was off work and had already told the girls that we were going to the park for a walk (both girls are supposed to be walking daily). I knew there was no way I could walk with them, so I told them I would take them to a different park where I could just sit there and watch them walk the track. We also could pick up two of their cousins so they could spend time with them. Of course, he knew I was feeling bad--he was here when I got up and could see me bent over in pain and could hear me in the bathroom getting sick. He left to go wherever it is he goes when he is not here (he claims it was to work, but he was dressed in good clothes when he left). Anyway, long story short, I had to serve him his meal when he got home at 9 and then had to have sex with him. Knowing I was in excruciating pain. I could probably have argued the point or refused to, but that would have only prolonged the issue and I still would have had to give in at the end, so just getting it over with was the better option.
Then, we are watching the news. They are showing the embassies being attacked in other countries. He makes a comment about how we (the U.S. govt) should just bomb the hell out of the place and get it over with. Stupidly I asked him why he thought that was the answer--to me, that is never the answer. Oh GOD...I know better. This then turned into a rant about what a fool I am, I am so gullible I believe everything I hear, everyone knows that this is a ploy by the government. These people in other countries have no money, no satellites, no computers, we (the US) run everything....you name it. It turned into a 20 minute rant about politics and spies and conspiracies and wars and the price of gas. Finally, he says "forget it, I can't talk to someone like you who thinks they know everything. I am just going to sleep."
Okay, I'm exhausted just thinking about it at this point. He literally exhausts me to be in his presence. I wonder if he is able to have discussions with other people without sounding like a nutjob conspiracy theorist? Is he able to allow others to voice their opinions, or does he try to cram his down their throats also, and if they disagree with him do they become idiots and fools and gullible and morons also? I am just curious if I (and his mother, I've heard him have "discussions" with her also) am the only one to feel like talking to him is like being in a funhouse.
Oh yeah. Saturday night I had to meet my sister at Walmart. I was tired, but she has sold that truck I gave her for her wedding gift and the check was in my name so she needed me to cash it for her. I wouldn't have, but she really needed the money for diapers and gas. The girls were already in pajamas, so I was literally just going to run in and cash it and leave. Unfortunately, my car chose that moment to decide not to start again. I had to call him, an hour after I called (he was literally 15 minutes up the road from me), he shows up with his cousin and they remark how the battery cable was so loose it wasn't allowing the battery to charge when the car was off. (How did it get loose--here I go with my conspiracy theory). He goes in to buy jumper cables so they can jumpstart it. His cousin asks him if he is going to let me keep the jumper cables in my car in case it happens again and he can't get to me. He sneers and says "not unless she is going to pay for them." and then puts them in his truck. Even his cousin looked shocked over that, but of course doesn't say anything to him.
My son stayed with his friends this weekend. I was feeling bad yesterday, but when he called at 5 to talk I tried to put on a good front. He is freaking out because he had a dream when he fell asleep in the middle of the day. He dreamed that my sister (the one who passed away) came to visit him. She told him "don't be worried when your mom starts to get really sick, I will take care of her here. She will be fine here. You need to make sure you get the girls away from Timmy as quickly as possible." He tells me this and I got freaked out. Granted, I don't put much stock in paranormal experiences or prescient dreams usually. However, in light of the two years I've been fighting something no one can figure out, and the fact that I felt so badly, I just freaked. Of course I told him that I was fine, just cysts again, I've had so many tests lately and the docs all say they can't find anything wrong, etc. Inside I am a mess, though. I refuse to leave my children with this monster. And I will not have my last days be spent with this situation. It really was the kick in the ass I needed to just start moving forward--I'll deal with the consequences when they come.