Trying to remain positive
Things have changed quite a bit for me, yet they remain the same. I was working, started taking Prozac and felt a million times better. Actually for the first time in a long time, I felt like me.
Then I start budding heads with the owner and I end up getting laid off. I started another job a week later that I desperately searched for and accepted just so I wouldn't have a financial set-back and the training was so poor I wasn't confident I could do the job. I started having really bad anxiety after I had a job interview for a job I really wanted, I went into work in the worst mood and the next morning I had an emotional meltdown with my husband about going back there. I'm not sure if it was a panic attack triggered by the interview I had the day before because I was so happy... feeling like it came at the perfect time and would solve all my problems... yet the interview only went so-so and even though the company was small and less formal, I didn't get an offer that day or the next morning which I was heartbroken over... I tried to put on a strong front and do what was needed, but while I was driving my toddler to his grandma's so I could go to work, I felt like my husband wasn't supporting me emotional and was being too stoic with me and I got so emotional about that and me not wanting to go there that I had to pull over into a parking lot.
I ended up calling the job and quitting and heading back home to find my husband there instead of at work cause he was worried about me... about us. But he gave me exactly what I needed, which was to be enveloped in his arms. And has been completely supportive since.
Now things are kinda worse because at lease beforehand I qualified for unemployment... they were barely paying me anything, but the 150 per week they said they were going to give me was better than nothing. But now since I quit a job, I don't think I'm going to qualify for it anymore.
I actually don't want to be on it at all. I come from a family of people who purposely live in poverty so they can get a check and not have any responsibilities. They never went to college, became professionals or did/do anything with their lives so it's no wonder they never encouraged me to do anything with my life. I don't want to be like that. It's why I moved out, got married, enrolled in school and try to maintain employment.
But now... I wake up and my heart is heavy. At first, I would wake up and shower like I was getting ready for work, get my toddler ready and sit at my desk with a vengeance searching and applying to anything. Now, I see myself falling back into depression. I see that cloud forming above me and the confidence I once felt has dissipated. I'm still on the medication. Today is like day 7 of me not working. I'm going to start driving for Lyft on Tuesday. Or at least I'ma try. I hope I like it... if I do it will take some of the pressure off. I'm so tired of this cycle. I just want to be healthy and happy, and I was... it didn't last long though.
I'm trying not to think about money. After the 20th, 3 of my bills were due and I had to allow them to lapse.... I also have 34 days until the end of my school term and I only completed 1 out of 3 classes. Today I woke up ready to tackle some homework, then I became emotional sitting at my desk, which is why I came to dailystrength... To just let it out... so I can get back on the ball. One class is almost done, I submitted the assignment but it was returned for revisions. I'll work on that first then plan on continuing my readings for the other class so I can take the exam and be done with both... hopefully. I can do this. I can do this.
I can do this....
I just can't think about the bad... that's when it becomes so hard to deal with I become emotional and just don't feel like doing anything but be sad. I want today to be a good day and I need to make it so.
Then I start budding heads with the owner and I end up getting laid off. I started another job a week later that I desperately searched for and accepted just so I wouldn't have a financial set-back and the training was so poor I wasn't confident I could do the job. I started having really bad anxiety after I had a job interview for a job I really wanted, I went into work in the worst mood and the next morning I had an emotional meltdown with my husband about going back there. I'm not sure if it was a panic attack triggered by the interview I had the day before because I was so happy... feeling like it came at the perfect time and would solve all my problems... yet the interview only went so-so and even though the company was small and less formal, I didn't get an offer that day or the next morning which I was heartbroken over... I tried to put on a strong front and do what was needed, but while I was driving my toddler to his grandma's so I could go to work, I felt like my husband wasn't supporting me emotional and was being too stoic with me and I got so emotional about that and me not wanting to go there that I had to pull over into a parking lot.
I ended up calling the job and quitting and heading back home to find my husband there instead of at work cause he was worried about me... about us. But he gave me exactly what I needed, which was to be enveloped in his arms. And has been completely supportive since.
Now things are kinda worse because at lease beforehand I qualified for unemployment... they were barely paying me anything, but the 150 per week they said they were going to give me was better than nothing. But now since I quit a job, I don't think I'm going to qualify for it anymore.
I actually don't want to be on it at all. I come from a family of people who purposely live in poverty so they can get a check and not have any responsibilities. They never went to college, became professionals or did/do anything with their lives so it's no wonder they never encouraged me to do anything with my life. I don't want to be like that. It's why I moved out, got married, enrolled in school and try to maintain employment.
But now... I wake up and my heart is heavy. At first, I would wake up and shower like I was getting ready for work, get my toddler ready and sit at my desk with a vengeance searching and applying to anything. Now, I see myself falling back into depression. I see that cloud forming above me and the confidence I once felt has dissipated. I'm still on the medication. Today is like day 7 of me not working. I'm going to start driving for Lyft on Tuesday. Or at least I'ma try. I hope I like it... if I do it will take some of the pressure off. I'm so tired of this cycle. I just want to be healthy and happy, and I was... it didn't last long though.
I'm trying not to think about money. After the 20th, 3 of my bills were due and I had to allow them to lapse.... I also have 34 days until the end of my school term and I only completed 1 out of 3 classes. Today I woke up ready to tackle some homework, then I became emotional sitting at my desk, which is why I came to dailystrength... To just let it out... so I can get back on the ball. One class is almost done, I submitted the assignment but it was returned for revisions. I'll work on that first then plan on continuing my readings for the other class so I can take the exam and be done with both... hopefully. I can do this. I can do this.
I can do this....
I just can't think about the bad... that's when it becomes so hard to deal with I become emotional and just don't feel like doing anything but be sad. I want today to be a good day and I need to make it so.
Replies