Trying to move on......ALONE
It has been a week and a half since my baby girl Amanda left to go be with Jesus. This has been the hardest week and a half of my life. I have so many questions and so many emotions that I just do not have the answers for. I have cried a million tears and my heart is shattered. I have found some comfort in the fact that my little girl touched so many lives that I did not even imagine. She was so close to god and was such a warm spirit. I still cannot believe that she is gone. I will never hear her voice again. Never feel her hug me. The memory making with her has come to an abrupt end. She was my first child of four and always held a special place in my heart. I am trying so hard to move forward but it seems that every time I do I cant seem to figure out how. Nothing will ever be the same. I have to reinvent normal. I was so comfortable with how things were up until that day when my little girl went to heaven now I dont know what to do. I pray that god will give me the answers soon. I am so glad that I have ds to turn to because my family although they say that they are there to support me they cannot put aside their differences with my husband to be there for me or my other children. I do not know if what I am doing is right. My 14 year old daughter is feeling guilty that she made it out of the fire and her big sister didn't. My 10 year old doesn't want to talk about it and my 6 year old is having bad dreams and has become very clingy. My husband on the other hand has been my rock. When will it be okay for me to be happy again? If things were not bad enough 2 days ago my 10 year old daughter was diagnosed with diabetes and now has to take daily injections of insulin. She is devistated by this and says it is not fair. I feel so alone but then I come on to this site and realize that I am not alone. I have felt happiness only for it to quickly turn to sorrow or guilt. My heart feels heavy and I am doing everything I know of to try to pull myself out of this. I know things will never be the same so now I am trying to figure out how to move on. I know in my heart that my Amanda is in a better place in heaven but I still long for her to be here with me. I have had to cut my family off and am left to forge on on my own. I feel in a way I not only lost a daughter but some other family members to because of this.
Replies
Oh darling.... It\'s still so new...you\'re breathing in and out and holding on as best you can....and that\'s enough for now. Right now all you can do, all you need to do, is rest, eat, be as present for your other children as possible and not allow guilt to invade your spirit. One day it will become bearable. I\'m so thankful to all the moms here for they have truly saved me. I know you too will find love, comfort, and understanding here. thank you for sharing your heart so early in your journey through this nightmare. Please know I am here and I truly care. Holding you close to my heart, Teri.
I am so glad that you journaled...somehow writing all the emotions help...it is kinda like a tea kettle building up steam...somewhere, somehow you have to release. Your loss is so recent, there is no way for you to know what to do or what to expect next. Your world has been turned upside down. You are dealing with so much, and each family member is too. There is no quick fix to this...it is steady work, day by day...sometimes moment by moment. Try to take gentle care of yourself and write whenever you need to...we DO understand, even when those around you do not. Love and gentle hugs...Karen
There is no pain worse than losing a child. I felt like I was losing my mind at first, sometimes I still feel that way and it\'s been almost 16 months now. What ever you are feeling is what you need to be feeling to get through this horrendous nightmare. There is no right or wrong in grieving. I pray you find some moments of peace. I\'m so sorry this has happened, and I\'m so sorry about your other daughter coming down with diabetes.
Such a terrible tragedy....I am so very sad for you and your husband and other children. Of course, Jesus will see you through. I know. I am leaning heavily on my faith in God to get through this terrible loss of my son. Your words have reiterated all the emotions and thoughts all of us moms have had and still do at times. Grief never leaves us entirely alone but is a wicked companion at times. It will get better...bit by bit your family will become victors over this terrible time. You will endure the ups and downs of the emotions that revisit for a lifetime....the new raw nerve racking pain of sorrow that is felt now will be dulled and infrequent. I pray for you....hold on to Jesus...rest assured that you will see your little girl again....that is a promise...and God keeps His promises. Hugs, dale..brandon\'s mom