Trying to learn to journal #1

My first and only post was in June, seems like I just wrote it yesterday. I was told to journal it would be good to put my thoughts in writing. I tried and just got frustrated and angry and would shut down. My defense mechanism. My two theripist tell me to keep trying and one day I would beable to put something in my journal. In June I found this site and wrote my first post, which I will say is my first writing so I will call it my first post in a journal.

Since June I have read many different post and journals from various people. When I reading them my heart aches for them and then I go into shut down mode. I get angry with myself how does a person that was so strong loss all her coping skills, I think I used up all my strength no more left to fight.  I understand by my theripists that with all the trauma, and the loss of all my family and support systems, my brain dissociated.

I know we all greive in our own way, I just wish I could move forward and begin to greive. I read the different post and wish I could move on or find some purpose to move on, Im still stuck in the past, I tell myself that they have passed away they are not comimg back, but than I can't beleive or accept that, I am still waiting for them to come home, it cant be true, Im stuck in a nightmare.

I know they did not want to leave me, the love of my life he was 10 years older than me would always say you are the love of my life, you made my life have meaning, I did not know what love was until I meant you, we will be together until we are old and I will still be chasing you sexy thing around the house in my motorized scooter.

When I get angry I say you left me, you left me all alone, I cant do this with out you, I dont want to be here without you, we did everything together, you were the best part of me, the best part of my life.

I have a hard time crying, I feel the tears coming and I shut down, not heathly I know, have not figured out why I will not allow the tears to come.

The day the love of my life died, the laughter stopped, I dont laugh anymore. And the music died. Amazing how greif can affect us laughter and music was what our life was about. And I am not able to laugh or listen to music.

I still have not moved anything of his since he passed. I know we all have to do it in our own time. Im trying to figure out how to take a step forward, instead of always taking a step back.

This is the first time in my life that I am lonely, I have never had a problem being alone, I think alot has to do with me now devolping health issues. For the last few months a lot of Medical test, a few test had to be done in the hospital, that was not a good day, had flash backs, shut down, black out moments I hate when that happens its like you have no control. Also think its because I dont have anyone to call and talk to everyone is gone, so it has set in I am alone and lonely. Being totally isolated doesnt help. I dont like feeling this way. And know one to help or take care of me, thats a scary awful thought.

On my first post I want to thank everyone again that replied to me. I apoigize I did not know what to write back. I am still trying to get used to the site. Plus I dont want to say anything wrong or upset anyone. I am learning the ropes. I am trying to open myself up alittle and not be so closed up.

The one group I did join was laughter is the best medicine, hoping to get my sense of humor back, all my life I was the class clown, the story teller that made everyone laugh, boy do I miss that part of me. Laughter is the best medicine some of the jokes have made me smile which is a move forward. Once I made a weird sound which was my body wanted to laugh, didnt laugh but least it was a start.

I have a long way to go I keep trying, I so tired, but part of me is still not ready totally give up. Im learning to understand I will never be the same person before the trauma and grief. So I am trying to figure out and learn who the new me is going to be.

I still dont feel like I belong like I am an outcast and trying to find my way, so I am going to try to contact with my friends that I have made on the site without feeling that I am bothering them, and also hope to make new friends. I used to have a great deal of confidence now I dont have any, trying to rebuild.

Thank you for letting me vent, and helping me to put my thoughts into words.

I was reading an article about a womens grief process and came upond this quote.

Quote:  " SOME THINGS IN LIFE CANNOT BE FIXED THEY CAN ONLY BE CARRIED "  -Megan Devine