Trying To Keep Moving Forward...
Well folks, I love to lie and say since my ex-fiance's departure, that everything been a bed of roses, it's been everything but.
The visual reminders of once a great relationship are very hard to deal with. My ex-fiance left behind a lot of her belongings, stuff that she told me that she no longer wanted and that I could do what I wanted with them. Stuff like beauty products, clothing, some books and pictures. The past couple day's, while clearing out her property has been very hard to deal with.
I come across say a shirt, my mind instantly knows when the last time she wore it, what we were doing around the time that she wore it, and most of the clothing items have her scent on them, talk about catching periodic wiff's of that, it's like a sensory kick in the crotch. Some of the items left behind I couldn't toss or donate, I knew, regardless of how she claimed that some of it wasn't important anymore, as a favor to her, I was able to put together two flat rate boxes and pack up a lot of items that I deemed important and mailed them back to her, it was the least I could do.
We talked last night, she called me out of the blue just to check in and make sure the cat's, namely her cat was doing fine. But as most phone conversations go, our's slowly drifted away from anything cat related, and drifted to talking about us. Even with the pain I have caused her, she was able to muster through her own emotions and feelings and thank me for the good times. She did state that she kind of miss's my place, she miss's our two cat's extremely, oddly, she started going into that going back home wasn't everything it was cracked up to be. I heard things like she's having a hard time from going from living in her own home, to living with her parents, now having to ask for permission to do this and that. She having a hard time going back to a bedroom that has none of her old stuff in it, and now wondering how she's going to replace the items. Simply put, she's having an extremely hard time dealing with the transition, and at times she says she almost feels as badly as I do, in regards to the leaving.
It was hurt to hear her pain and distress, but as I told her a couple times during our conversation, that the transition pains she is feeling were for the most part brought upon herself. I reminded her that not only I, but others who had ties to our situation told her that they felt that her quick choice to leave and not give us another chance was to hasty. I told her choices were made, from both of us, and even if we don't like what each other is going through, that we've made our bed of nails and now we just need to try the best we can to lay in it. Then of course our conversation started to drift off into the "blame game", after a couple minutes of finger pointing I think we both had a revelation at the same time that the blame game at this stage of the game is pointless. We both agree'd that at this point the finger pointing with each other being now 2000 + miles away was pointless, she was there, I am here, and it is what it is.
We talked about my recovery, needless to say that I don't think she believed everything I was saying about how it all was going. I reported to her I was bale to put 2 days together of no lying, I attended my first Wednesday support group meeting, advising her that was still continuing my Saturday group and that I was still a member of my on-line support group. She was pleased to hear it all, but told me to not continue my therapy for her, because last night she made it painfully clear that she was "never returning", so don't do what I'm doing on the premise that it will make her come back to me, she told me to just let her go, in both my mind and my heart, and just move forward with my life. She told me to continue my recovery for me, and at some point when I meet the next lady in my life, I'll be a better person and hopefully won't make the same mistakes twice.
Towards the end of the phone call, we basically knew that this would be the last and final time that we would hear each other's voices, we knew that this phone call signified the end. We both agree'd to not communicate with the other, to now leave each other well enough alone and from here on out for both of us to move forward the best we can with our lives. At that point I was an emotional mess, but I told her one last time that I was sorry for everything I did to drive her away, I to enjoyed the good times, that she'll forever be in my memories and we both wished each the best of luck, and then came a very painful thing of saying "goodbye" for the last time.
In closing, I think she did me a favor, she did one last nice thing for me, and that was to let me know exactly where I stand. That unlike earlier claims when she talked about possible reconciliation when she was here, that now has all been removed, so I got the "bottom line" and now know where I stand. Since last nights phone conversation I've felt a little bit better, but it doesn't change the fact that the pain and hurt is still there.
Now hopefully I can do my best to keep moving forward with my life and do my best to distance myself from all of this. But I am rather surprised that through it all, I've been able to put together 3 day of honesty.
I'm just trying to put one baby step in front of the other, at this stage of the game, it's all I can really do!
The visual reminders of once a great relationship are very hard to deal with. My ex-fiance left behind a lot of her belongings, stuff that she told me that she no longer wanted and that I could do what I wanted with them. Stuff like beauty products, clothing, some books and pictures. The past couple day's, while clearing out her property has been very hard to deal with.
I come across say a shirt, my mind instantly knows when the last time she wore it, what we were doing around the time that she wore it, and most of the clothing items have her scent on them, talk about catching periodic wiff's of that, it's like a sensory kick in the crotch. Some of the items left behind I couldn't toss or donate, I knew, regardless of how she claimed that some of it wasn't important anymore, as a favor to her, I was able to put together two flat rate boxes and pack up a lot of items that I deemed important and mailed them back to her, it was the least I could do.
We talked last night, she called me out of the blue just to check in and make sure the cat's, namely her cat was doing fine. But as most phone conversations go, our's slowly drifted away from anything cat related, and drifted to talking about us. Even with the pain I have caused her, she was able to muster through her own emotions and feelings and thank me for the good times. She did state that she kind of miss's my place, she miss's our two cat's extremely, oddly, she started going into that going back home wasn't everything it was cracked up to be. I heard things like she's having a hard time from going from living in her own home, to living with her parents, now having to ask for permission to do this and that. She having a hard time going back to a bedroom that has none of her old stuff in it, and now wondering how she's going to replace the items. Simply put, she's having an extremely hard time dealing with the transition, and at times she says she almost feels as badly as I do, in regards to the leaving.
It was hurt to hear her pain and distress, but as I told her a couple times during our conversation, that the transition pains she is feeling were for the most part brought upon herself. I reminded her that not only I, but others who had ties to our situation told her that they felt that her quick choice to leave and not give us another chance was to hasty. I told her choices were made, from both of us, and even if we don't like what each other is going through, that we've made our bed of nails and now we just need to try the best we can to lay in it. Then of course our conversation started to drift off into the "blame game", after a couple minutes of finger pointing I think we both had a revelation at the same time that the blame game at this stage of the game is pointless. We both agree'd that at this point the finger pointing with each other being now 2000 + miles away was pointless, she was there, I am here, and it is what it is.
We talked about my recovery, needless to say that I don't think she believed everything I was saying about how it all was going. I reported to her I was bale to put 2 days together of no lying, I attended my first Wednesday support group meeting, advising her that was still continuing my Saturday group and that I was still a member of my on-line support group. She was pleased to hear it all, but told me to not continue my therapy for her, because last night she made it painfully clear that she was "never returning", so don't do what I'm doing on the premise that it will make her come back to me, she told me to just let her go, in both my mind and my heart, and just move forward with my life. She told me to continue my recovery for me, and at some point when I meet the next lady in my life, I'll be a better person and hopefully won't make the same mistakes twice.
Towards the end of the phone call, we basically knew that this would be the last and final time that we would hear each other's voices, we knew that this phone call signified the end. We both agree'd to not communicate with the other, to now leave each other well enough alone and from here on out for both of us to move forward the best we can with our lives. At that point I was an emotional mess, but I told her one last time that I was sorry for everything I did to drive her away, I to enjoyed the good times, that she'll forever be in my memories and we both wished each the best of luck, and then came a very painful thing of saying "goodbye" for the last time.
In closing, I think she did me a favor, she did one last nice thing for me, and that was to let me know exactly where I stand. That unlike earlier claims when she talked about possible reconciliation when she was here, that now has all been removed, so I got the "bottom line" and now know where I stand. Since last nights phone conversation I've felt a little bit better, but it doesn't change the fact that the pain and hurt is still there.
Now hopefully I can do my best to keep moving forward with my life and do my best to distance myself from all of this. But I am rather surprised that through it all, I've been able to put together 3 day of honesty.
I'm just trying to put one baby step in front of the other, at this stage of the game, it's all I can really do!
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