trying to keep moving forward
today makes one week since I learned the horrific news of my loss. I can't even allow myself to go back to that moment, because it literally makes me sick to my stomach.
I know that each week that goes by, it will get easier. but as each week goes by I can't help but think "I would have been 7 weeks, 8 weeks, etc). I have accepted that my baby is gone, but I just can't BELIEVE it.
I made an appointment with a therapist who works with infertility and loss. I know what I feel is normal, but it will help to talk with someone, I think. I couldn't get out of bed yesterday to go to work, and I don't want to spiral out of control.
My husband is amazing. I told him that the mornings are the worst for me - the moment my eyes open and I relive it all over again, as if I am hearing it for the first time. He gets up way earlier than me so today he woke up 10 minutes early just to help me wake up and snuggle me a little. he also put the news on, so I would have "company" after he left. it didn't help the pain, but it did help me get up and out of bed and dressed and to work. I am so thankful for him.
We are also planning a little weekend getaway the weekend before thanksgiving, which is also my birthday weekend. I don't want to be here. I don't want to celebrate another year of not becoming a mother. I just want to go away and lay by a pool and drink adult beverages with little umbrellas. and have sex that doesn't involve baby making. imagine that.
today I feel heartbroken but I also feel bitter. how can the world expect me to work, function, move on - doesn't anyone understand how hard it is just to breathe?
my body (all of our bodies on DS) has been through so much and i'm just so mad about it. I still have a little pile of papers that i need to find the heart to put away. our ultrasounds. our embryos. my positive pregnancy test. it's just sitting on top of my piano (folded up, I can't see anything really) and I look at it every time I walk by. it's like an elephant in the room that I can't seem to face just yet. in due time, I guess.
my heart is so heavy and it's almost like I can't cry anymore. i'm sure i will, but everything just seems to have settled in the pit of my tummy like an ache and a fear I cannot get rid of.
turns out a good friend of ours went through this with his (now ex) wife. they didn't get divorced because of it - that came much later. but I was glad my husband had a man to talk with who actually has been through it. he also promised me that it would get better over time.
we are still hosting thanksgiving. my mom offered to do it, but I don't want to totally give up every joy we have. it's still several weeks away and even if my heart isn't 100% in it, it'll be a good distraction and something to focus on.
my heart hurts so much.
I know that each week that goes by, it will get easier. but as each week goes by I can't help but think "I would have been 7 weeks, 8 weeks, etc). I have accepted that my baby is gone, but I just can't BELIEVE it.
I made an appointment with a therapist who works with infertility and loss. I know what I feel is normal, but it will help to talk with someone, I think. I couldn't get out of bed yesterday to go to work, and I don't want to spiral out of control.
My husband is amazing. I told him that the mornings are the worst for me - the moment my eyes open and I relive it all over again, as if I am hearing it for the first time. He gets up way earlier than me so today he woke up 10 minutes early just to help me wake up and snuggle me a little. he also put the news on, so I would have "company" after he left. it didn't help the pain, but it did help me get up and out of bed and dressed and to work. I am so thankful for him.
We are also planning a little weekend getaway the weekend before thanksgiving, which is also my birthday weekend. I don't want to be here. I don't want to celebrate another year of not becoming a mother. I just want to go away and lay by a pool and drink adult beverages with little umbrellas. and have sex that doesn't involve baby making. imagine that.
today I feel heartbroken but I also feel bitter. how can the world expect me to work, function, move on - doesn't anyone understand how hard it is just to breathe?
my body (all of our bodies on DS) has been through so much and i'm just so mad about it. I still have a little pile of papers that i need to find the heart to put away. our ultrasounds. our embryos. my positive pregnancy test. it's just sitting on top of my piano (folded up, I can't see anything really) and I look at it every time I walk by. it's like an elephant in the room that I can't seem to face just yet. in due time, I guess.
my heart is so heavy and it's almost like I can't cry anymore. i'm sure i will, but everything just seems to have settled in the pit of my tummy like an ache and a fear I cannot get rid of.
turns out a good friend of ours went through this with his (now ex) wife. they didn't get divorced because of it - that came much later. but I was glad my husband had a man to talk with who actually has been through it. he also promised me that it would get better over time.
we are still hosting thanksgiving. my mom offered to do it, but I don't want to totally give up every joy we have. it's still several weeks away and even if my heart isn't 100% in it, it'll be a good distraction and something to focus on.
my heart hurts so much.
Replies
I\'m so very sorry. I can feel your pain. Yesterday was 2 weeks that I heard the news of my loss and I can relate to everything you wrote here. I think working with a therapist is a great idea, I have been for a few years now during this TTC time and it\'s been very helpful. I am looking into support groups that meet in person as well. I think its important to get as much help with this now so we can mend our hearts sooner than later (although will they ever really mend!?) Anyway, please know you are not alone and you have a lot of support here. I think being patient during this grief is important, and if you don\'t feel like going to work, don\'t go. Right now you have to take care of yourself. The best advice I heard is to just breathe, do not worry about anything else right now, just breathe and do whatever feels right in the moment. I loved that advice and am trying to live by that everyday. I am thinking of you and sending peace and comfort and big hugs your way. xo
I am so sorry that you are going through this, as well. no woman should have to, ever. but you\'re right - just breathing is the only realistic plan at the moment, so that is what I will do. I am here for you if you need anything.
I am so sorry for your pain. I am glad for you that DH is with you, he sounds like s sweetie. Its kind of looking on the bright side, but I am happy for you to know that you CAN get pregnant, we had so many BFNs before a BFP that there was doubt it ever could happen. Not much to hold on to right now, but something. My therapist said that in grad school she interviewed elderly women and that when they looked back on their lives, their miscarriages were something that still brought tears to their eyes. It doesnt ever go away but hopefully becomes less of the focus as other joys in life (like hosting Thanksgiving) take place. xx
Sounds like you have a wonderful man to work through this with. Your feelings are totally normal and bring back that sick feeling in my stomach I experienced as well. I am sure we will always remember and track where these precious angels would have been. I would have been 38 weeks. I was so excited to find out I was due on Halloween. I called the baby our little pumpkin but now I cringe every time I see a pumpkin this holiday season. Hopefully we will all get that some way, some day. I appreciate and admire your strength. Continuing to think of you.
it is amazing how just a few weeks can make such a HUGE impact on our lives. I understand about the pumpkin making your feel so sad. and of course now they\'re everywhere. My baby was a \"sweet pea\" at the time I lost it, and I can\'t even think about peas or the scent \"sweet pea\" or anything relating to it. we will somehow get through this, I know.
Your husband sounds like a very supportive and wonderful man. You are so blessed to have each other. You are an incredibly strong woman but even the strongest women need the support of a wonderful man and its wonderful that you have your hubby to lean on. The men in our lives that walk this journey of IF with us often go unacknowledged but they really are so important, I am constantly in aw of how my hubby deals with me and my various levels of crazy, depressed, emotional, hormonal etc.
I am so sorry that your journey has taken such a heart breaking turn, be sure to allow yourself to feel whatever you need to and in time you will be able to grieve the loss and find healing. Although it will never be gone I pray that you find peace.
Thinking of you ((HUGS))
Mine was my birthday present, since I found out just before my birthday, and was due the day before Mother\'s Day. I\'m dreading both holidays next year already. I think Mother\'s Day will be the hardest - I tear up already at the thought.
It\'s been 3 weeks since my miscarriage started. The first week I could barely function. Each day is slowly getting better. Right now I\'m feeling very angry and bitter. But I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be better, so just breathe through today. The hardest part is giving myself permission to not be ok yet.
Keep breathing, keep leaning on your husband and keep hope. We\'ll all get to a better place.
I\'m so sad for you and everything you\'re going through. It\'s not fair. I\'m glad your DH is supportive. Lean on him and us as much as you can. I\'m thinking about you friend.
\"giving myself permission to not be ok yet\"....dallyjoe, you could not have put it better. it is so hard allow yourself to feel the pain....maybe because not everyone gets it. I literally had to tell a friend today (who meant well) - \"do you not realize I had a HEARTBEAT in me that died?\" maybe it was harsh of me to say, but we have to be allowed to feel and to grieve, because it\'s a loss. as my mom says, we are mourning a very real loss and need to give ourselves time.
thank you girls for your support and understanding.
You are so much stronger than you know. Thank you for sharing what you are going through. When I went through the last MC, I could not put the pain into words much less share the experience to help others heal. You are in my prayer.
Take that quality time together . You are so lucky to have him as direct support system. I\'m so sorry for this horrible, sad ending. I so wanted you get there. Many prayers for you both . Hugs ..