Trying to Heal
I "friend" of mine told me that I must be codependent because I was choosing to try and work it out with my H after over 4 years of him lying and cheating. With my self esteem so very much affected I wasn't sure so i bought the book The New Codepency by Melody Beattie. After reading it I am pretty sure codependecy is not really an issue with me but it had some really good insights.
1." Grieving- Obsession is an important part of grieving and healing our hearts from our loss. We need to tell the story of our loss repeatedly to make it real and to believe the story ourselves. When we are telling the story over and over what we are really doing is working hard to integrate and accept something that is not yea acceptable to us." I not only had to retell the story over and over I had to know the story too. Hence the asking a milliion questions.
2 "Self appreciation doesn't depend on deserving. It happens when we let ourselves be who we are. How we feel about ourselves affects hhow others fell about us. We create a field around us with our thoughts. When people look at us, they see this field like a cloak we wear. Let our beauty shine from the inside out so the world know how beautiful we are. Give ourselves a confidence boost. Let ourselves feel our emotions instead of telling ourselves what we feel is wrong. Tell ourseves we are forgivable no matter what we have done." Wearing the cloak really works on how people respond to me.
I am glad I read this book. It has been insightful as I try and heal. I still sometimes feel foolish about taking him back but I believe he is truly remorseful.
1." Grieving- Obsession is an important part of grieving and healing our hearts from our loss. We need to tell the story of our loss repeatedly to make it real and to believe the story ourselves. When we are telling the story over and over what we are really doing is working hard to integrate and accept something that is not yea acceptable to us." I not only had to retell the story over and over I had to know the story too. Hence the asking a milliion questions.
2 "Self appreciation doesn't depend on deserving. It happens when we let ourselves be who we are. How we feel about ourselves affects hhow others fell about us. We create a field around us with our thoughts. When people look at us, they see this field like a cloak we wear. Let our beauty shine from the inside out so the world know how beautiful we are. Give ourselves a confidence boost. Let ourselves feel our emotions instead of telling ourselves what we feel is wrong. Tell ourseves we are forgivable no matter what we have done." Wearing the cloak really works on how people respond to me.
I am glad I read this book. It has been insightful as I try and heal. I still sometimes feel foolish about taking him back but I believe he is truly remorseful.
Replies
You need new friends. I wonder how this \'friend\' would respond if he/she were in the same position. Do what is right for YOU and NO one else.
Thanks for sharing that!!! I may have to cut and past the grieving part!! So many people here don\'t understand why the obsessive behavior. I knew I did not understand it, but I knew it was normal.
I truly am codependent and never knew until the A came to light. My counselor has helped me through some coping skills for it. Clearly your \"friend\" does not have a true understanding of codependency. I am sure you now do after reading the book.
As we all know, we all stay for different reasons. We are all here to support you in anyway we can. :-)
I really haven\'t let a lot of people in on what is going on. Those I did tell, I chose based on knowing they would support whatever decisions I make. I will admit I wish I had a few more people to talk to about this but I limited how many people I told because I was embarrassed. We had just had a baby after a horrible pregnancy that I spent telling people how wonderful he was for all he did (which does still hold true, he did everything and was not having an affair at the time) But when she was five weeks old he started sexting and cybering his old co-worker whore. Many of our friends would not understand how he went from being my hero to being on the brink of divorce so fast. I still don\'t. I guess what I am saying is you know what is best for you and your family. Those who don\'t stand with you in this time stand against you and you might want to consider taking a break from those friendships so they don\'t suck energy away from you during this process. I know how tiring it is. Take care of yourself and your family.
Thaks for all your comments. My friend and hardly talk at all any more. Life goes on. I found myself having to tell some friends for support and others because they would comment on how lucky I was to have a good marriage, a good home and good kids. That just made me cry.