Trying to have a better attitude

I guess it's about time I updated my journal. Do you ever feel like things just never get better? I guess I've been having my own pity party for awhile, but it hasn't helped, so I need to do something else, because all I'm doing is making myself feel worse. For those who don't know me, I have several illnesses-breast cancer (in remission, but still under treatment), lupus, fibromyalgia,Langerhan Cell Hystiocytosis (also in remission-its a blood disease), and I suffered a brain injury when I fell in my basement in May-I live alone, and was unconscious for a time-I don't know how long-I just found myself up in my kitchen. I still have effects from that-dizziness, memory problems, bad headaches, concentration problems, equilibrium issues, and eye problems. On top of all this, I lost my job in May of 2008, and haven't found a job yet. I haven't been able to pay my property taxes for this year, so the county says they can auction off my house. I just found out that that my roof needs to be completely redone, and because I haven't been able to totally pay my oil bill from last winter, the oil company closed my account, and I have had no oil for hot water since last March. Luckily, my church paid for a half tank of oil for me a couple of weekd ago-I am so grateful to them. But to make it last longer, I use hot water only for a shower once a week.  And I keep the heat at 55 degrees. I tried to apply for social services, and a caseworker came to my house-I was so excited. But then she told me that I get too much unemployment-I couldn't believe it. So no help that way. More than 1/2 of the unemployment goes to COBRA and meds. that I need daily. Well, I think I deserve a BIG pity party. But that is not getting me anywhere. Except feeling worse. I went through a scary spell the last couple weeks-had a yearly scan to check for cancer spread, and a growth was found on my spine-great, right? I was so scared. After lots of follow-up tests, it ends up I do have a tumor on my spine, but it isn't cancer. I was so relieved. But I still have a tumor. They can't do anything about it until it starts seriously affecting me.    I try to keep positive, and everyone tells me how well I deal with everything. But I just can't seem to find my way out. What will I do when unemployment runs out? I'd like to apply for disability, but can't because I need the money from unemployment-you can't apply for one till the other ends. I can't sell my house because the value has gone down so much, and with the leins on it for taxes, line of credit, etc, I would have nothing left to go somewhere else. I just feel so lost. How do I get out of this mess?    I am so frustrated. I just turned 60, and this is not what I thought life would be like. My husband left me and our 2 kids in 1995, and since then, its been downhill. No matter how much I try, I just cannot get out of this deep hole I am in. I'm thinking of giving piano lessons to make a little money, but with the economy the way it is, not many people have money to spend on extras like this. I just don't know what to do. I asked my ex if he could help out just a little, but got no response from him, and that really made me feel bad. I feel like everything I do is just no good, because I can't help my self.    Well, I'm going to try to stop feeling sorry for myself, if I can. And try to concentrate on getting students for piano. Even one will give me a little extra money. For some reason, I just keep procrastinating getting stuff started. I have to force myself to get started. My situation had just overwhelmed me, but I can't let it do that. My kids don't live nearby, but I am in contact with them often, and that is what keeps me going. I'm just so mad at my self for getting in this position, even though none of it was my fault. I used to be such a positive person-after overcoming the cancer, I felt great about life. But since all the other stuff happened, I pretty much have given up. I have to fight that, I know. I just don't know how. I have prayed for Gods help and direction, and have handed everything over to him, because I can't do anything else. Hopefully, He will help me find a way out of this mess.        Things have got to get better-I can't let them get any worse. I am so frustrated, but have to have faith that in the long run, things will work out-they have to. Thanks for listening. Kathy