Trying to forgive myself

Will I Ever Forgive Myself?  Monday, May 05, 2008 9:53 am  So I had a really nice weekend…except for the usual sad/hopeless feelings! The sad feelings were in the morning (as always!) and some in the afternoon. Saturday my girlfriend and I went to Primantis and the movies. We had a really nice time! I actually forgot about my problems for a short while during the movie! Yesterday my friends and I watched the hockey game and went to a BBQ….it was fun! Of course I still had this stupid worry about that place on my head so once again I couldn’t fully enjoy myself but I’m a bit better now then I was a few weeks back so that’s a good thing!  My mornings are so hard still. I just worry so much when I wake up. It’s the same worry…that I’m trapped with that place forever! Maybe not forever but at this point 2-5 years sounds like forever when I spend so much time in this sad/hopeless state over it! I know this is stupid!! Believe me I know! My friends dad found out Friday he has cancer on his kidney and it needs removed……that I can see being worried about but my friend is taking it in stride. Actually I can handle things like illness for some reason.  I think it’s because I know I didn’t cause the problem. With this stupid place I caused my own problem and now I feel trapped as I can’t get rid of it!   I hate to feel trapped or like I have no options. I know I can rent it but I’m afraid of renters making a mess and having to deal with people. I can put the sale sign up…..with the 50 million other sale signs! Even if someone came along now the bid would be a total joke. Hence I feel trapped…which causes me to feel so sad and hopeless about life. Just because I feel this part of life is broken why does it have to ruin all aspects of life? I guess since I was sad/depressed off and on since childhood I just found something to latch onto.   I know this is not the right way to feel but if I could get rid of that place I would be sooooo happy! I can picture that day and its like a weight being lifted from my chest! The problem is I can’t just wait for some day in the distant future to feel happy again! Talk about a depressing outlook on life…..to believe that every day will be sad/hopeless until some unknown future date? My God no wonder I’m so miserable every day! I need to get passed this until that day comes. I need to be able to move forward and enjoy life before that place sells otherwise I am in for a miserable near term future!  I am doing better then I was a few weeks ago and WAY better then a few months ago but I still have work to do. Maybe someday soon I can get myself to accept things as they are right now and forgive myself for making what I see as a bad decision. No one else really thinks its that big of a deal but for me……it’s the thorn in my side right now. It doesn’t matter if it is or isn’t a terrible decision or a terrible situation. In my head right now it is the worst thing in the world to me…..why…because I have this crazy fear I will lose everything because of it. I would rather lose everything and have my mind back to be honest. What a strange thing depression/anxiety is when it’s all in how you look at your world.  If I could see this in a more positive light I wouldn’t be having all these problems but all I see is a negative hopeless outcome. It’s like I just want this thing gone so my mind can have closure otherwise my mind won’t stop trying to process a solution to an unsolvable problem. Hopefully I can get my mind to accept the situation as it is now and believe that one day things will improve…..and this will all be a bad memory someday. I look forward to the day I can end this nightmare. In 5-10 years will any of this even matter? Probably not…..it will just be a really black spot on my life….hopefully just another little bump in the road….right now it feels like the Grand Canyon….but I know things will change for the better…..and this too shall pass