Trying to find happiness.
I keep trying everyday to find a little happiness. I can tell the relationship with my husband is changing. I'm not sure if he's in a new stage with his drinking or if I'm in a new stage in my grieving?! I am so angry that I have to "plan" my leaving. I said a few years ago that if things hadn't changed with him by the time I was 50, I was leaving. Well, things might not have changed with him, but they did with me. My son died. You really have such a different outlook on EVERYTHING when you lose your child. So, for now, I guess I have to just wait it out a little longer. I know it sounds so cold hearted. I was in my first accident exactly one month after my son died. I'm still suffering from whiplash. As soon as I see a surgeon on the 17th, I should know what has to be done and then my attorney can proceed with the case. So I'm hoping to maybe then have enough money to get my own place. These past almost 8 months have been such a roller coaster. Between losing my business, then my son, then two car accidents, all in less than 4 months, it takes a toll on your mental health. And then, while driving my husband's truck and while it was parked in the lot where I work as a school bus driver, another driver ran over the back end of his truck with the school bus. So I graduated. I don't even have to be around the vehicle and it gets wrecked. I have to find humor in it. Sheesh.
But there is no humor in having to deal with the loss of my son. There is no humor in living with an alcoholic husband. I wonder sometimes when I'm just going to leave for work one day and just not come back. It makes me sad that he can't seem to pull his head out of his butt long enough to realize what, if nothing else, he's doing to himself, to his body. It's truly only a matter of time before he has a heart attack. Or his body just shuts down. Who knows? After watching my son die, I'm not sure if I can watch my husband die, too.
i don't know. And I'm getting to the point of not caring. And that's sad.
But there is no humor in having to deal with the loss of my son. There is no humor in living with an alcoholic husband. I wonder sometimes when I'm just going to leave for work one day and just not come back. It makes me sad that he can't seem to pull his head out of his butt long enough to realize what, if nothing else, he's doing to himself, to his body. It's truly only a matter of time before he has a heart attack. Or his body just shuts down. Who knows? After watching my son die, I'm not sure if I can watch my husband die, too.
i don't know. And I'm getting to the point of not caring. And that's sad.
Replies
May you find the strength and courage that you need to make the changes for that are vital for your health and well-being.
I am SO sorry that you have had to endure SO much and living with an active alcoholic is such a lonely life... He is wrapped up in his disease and cannot see living without alcohol yet that is not a life, is it?
You are not cold hearted to do what you must for yourself so I hope you have some earth angels nearby who can be helping you as well. You can do this and save a life... Your own.
Loving care to you each and every day and a healing hug too.
Did you get the little reader, Courage To Change? It\'s a good one.
XO Joanie
I wish you some peace.
Wishing you some peace in your heart and in your life.
Tight Hugs,
Terry