Trying to find Balance.
Here I am at the six month mark. In regular time six months seems like nothing but in the Divorce world it seems like an eternity. Six months ago today my world crashed down right in front of me when my husband came home from work and said " I have to leave to go find myself" The next day while I was at work and the kids were at school he packed up all his clothes and bathroom supplies and just left. Initially I thought we would never be apart 6 months he will be gone for a few weeks get a taste of life without me doing everything for him and of course he would miss his kids right? Especially his little boy and he loved our sofiegirl our beautiful black and whit cocker spanial. I never thought it would get to the stage of attorney's and child support, spousal support, even when my attorney obtained his business bank records and came up with the figure of 2,000 a month I said " He will never pay that" I guess it's hard for me to put a dollar amount on what I think i'm worth after 22 years. I just want to be able to take my of myself and the kids with a little room to breathe each month. I'm not trying to become rich and be able to quit my job I just want what is fair.
So where do I find that balance that sense of peace and contentment. After six months and he has made no effort to admit he made a mistake or has any remorse for what he has done I have accepted that this is my life now he never wants to come back to me or his family. I guess I have still been struggling with why he thinks there is something out there more loving or wonderful than the love his family had for him. I have my awesome kids, I love my work, I have my routine now and it's real quite most of the time. I never realized before how much of my time was wrapped up in everything he needed. I never had time for a pedicure before I never had time to just sit and watch a movie from start to finish. I can't even remember the last time I sat down with a hot meal. I was always so busy cooking for everyone else and serving everyone else I never got a chance to sit down.
I keep trying to find new stuff to get involved in to keep me busy especially on Austins weekends with his dad but I don't feel like doing anything. I work out now 30 minutes in the morning and another in the evening. I read some things, I like to journal also in my book. Mostly I just sit in the quite and pray or talk to myself about what is coming up next. I try not to dwell to much on the why why why did he do this to me crap because I know that I will never get the answer and it just makes me cry. When the calm finally come along with peace and happiness. I feel like i'm surviving ok i'm going through all the motions doing what is expected as a mother, a teacher, a friend and co-worker. But I do miss being a wife so much. I hate being lonely and feel like i'm never going to have another someone to love ever again. I'm good at being a wife someone once told me I didn't chose it God cast me in the role. I am just waiting for the day when all the peices fall into place and I don't have all these emotions going up and down back and forth and sideways. It still seems like rough sees and storms and I am just waiting for the calm......
So where do I find that balance that sense of peace and contentment. After six months and he has made no effort to admit he made a mistake or has any remorse for what he has done I have accepted that this is my life now he never wants to come back to me or his family. I guess I have still been struggling with why he thinks there is something out there more loving or wonderful than the love his family had for him. I have my awesome kids, I love my work, I have my routine now and it's real quite most of the time. I never realized before how much of my time was wrapped up in everything he needed. I never had time for a pedicure before I never had time to just sit and watch a movie from start to finish. I can't even remember the last time I sat down with a hot meal. I was always so busy cooking for everyone else and serving everyone else I never got a chance to sit down.
I keep trying to find new stuff to get involved in to keep me busy especially on Austins weekends with his dad but I don't feel like doing anything. I work out now 30 minutes in the morning and another in the evening. I read some things, I like to journal also in my book. Mostly I just sit in the quite and pray or talk to myself about what is coming up next. I try not to dwell to much on the why why why did he do this to me crap because I know that I will never get the answer and it just makes me cry. When the calm finally come along with peace and happiness. I feel like i'm surviving ok i'm going through all the motions doing what is expected as a mother, a teacher, a friend and co-worker. But I do miss being a wife so much. I hate being lonely and feel like i'm never going to have another someone to love ever again. I'm good at being a wife someone once told me I didn't chose it God cast me in the role. I am just waiting for the day when all the peices fall into place and I don't have all these emotions going up and down back and forth and sideways. It still seems like rough sees and storms and I am just waiting for the calm......
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