Trying to figure me out

Quoted from a blog on marraigeadvocates.com: Seldom does a person wake up one morning and say to him or herself, "Today, I am going to begin having an affair." Nearly all affairs happen incrementally and not suddenly. The decision to have an affair takes place in small steps or stages and begins when a person allows themselves to build an intimacy with a person of the opposite sex (or in some cases the same sex) that is justified by some trick of words or logic in order to make it something that is good. It happens slowly in some cases or quite quickly in others but it still happens one step at a time. It happens when our boundaries are moved or adjusted instead of being enforced or reinforced and once the road has been chosen, only extraordinary will power can prevent it from leading us to the destination it was headed from the very beginning.An affair happens when we change wrong into not really wrong and then into not as wrong followed by not wrong for me and eventually by must be right and finally into right. It happens when we redefine cheating in terms of a single act rather than a series of events and allow ourselves to consider anything short of that arbitrary line we have established as having gone too far. An affair isn't just an act, it is an attitude. It isn't merely a line that gets crossed but really a path that we find ourselves on when we don't take steps to avoid it.  ~ Mark

This is me. My A was slow, small steps. Met AP in 1994, took 6 yrs for my mindset to go from wrong to right in little steps. Full blown 2001. After giving all I had without the results I wanted and nothing left to give. I had a mental breakdown, H was told by me as I was loaded in ambulance to be admitted to mental institution. I have not resumed the A since then, but lapse with the NC. Thru this site I am learning why and trying to understand it enough to go cold turkey. NC at all for forever! lol no matter how innocent i want to believe it is, it isn't. I do not want to put myself thru the hell ever again. And I do not want to hurt my H ever again. He is a good man that has stuck by me thru the hell I put him thru. Sometimes I cannot believe how much he loves me when I continue to be indifferent. I always knew I had issues but maybe this time I can get to the bottom of them and help us both. Here's to hoping. You have to have hope cuz when you run our of hope, what is left?