Trying to cope
Aug 10, 2012 5:51pm
Hey all, Thank you so very much. I've literally been crying for days and haven't even logged on. If you all knew me better, you'd know I just don't cry much at all. Maybe once a year and that's usually a quick little sniffle that no one sees. It's a problem I have and not really healthy.
I'm just now starting to feel a little stable again. I do need to get a grip on myself so I can be there for Her too (our computer is now doing funky things and won't type certain capital letters and the screens keep shrinking and blurring so bear with me)! I think it was just the shock of all 3 horrible cancers at once.
She no longer has close neighbors - they all moved away. Altho that was a great suggestion! In fact, she has no close friends left in Florida (or anywhere else) at all. Her family is all dead (mother, father, brother, etc.) except an uncle in CT she sends Xmas stuff to/from. I call her my sister, and she is in every way that counts. But we're not blood related. I'm closer to her than to my own 'real' siblings by 100%. No! A MILLION percent closer. We've been close sisters for 42 years now and I just can't bear losing her.
My therapist said to stop getting ahead of myself and imagining the worst catastrophy. I've gotten used to doing that over the years since then I'm prepared to deal. And life has taught me over and over again that it's a matter of WHeN the bad shit happens, not if. But right now, this is just tearing me apart.
I have a really bad cold now and my pancreas (and liver) has been hot these past few days. My poor body just can't handle this stress and worry. And fighting with hubby isn't a good idea. We've worked things out now and are good, but that on top of Missy is a lot to handle.
AND I just found out 2 days ago that if I can't return to work by Fall 2013, I lose my job. The job I've worked so hard for, sacrificed, put myself thro graduate school (I'm STILL paying off student loans). I'm a tenured professor at the local college and I value my job and what I can contribute. It's a big part of who I am. And since the horrible blow of not being able to have children hit, that's been my legacy, if you will.
I know more things can go wrong, so I won't ask that but it all sucks and is overloading my systems.
Please keep reminding me to take care of myself! I put Me on the back burner all the time. And am doing it again. I'm going to end up back in the hospital for the 3rd time this year. Please, pancreas, just be cool! I need to be strong for me and for Missy. Please.
Thank you all for listening. NIbs
Hey all, Thank you so very much. I've literally been crying for days and haven't even logged on. If you all knew me better, you'd know I just don't cry much at all. Maybe once a year and that's usually a quick little sniffle that no one sees. It's a problem I have and not really healthy.
I'm just now starting to feel a little stable again. I do need to get a grip on myself so I can be there for Her too (our computer is now doing funky things and won't type certain capital letters and the screens keep shrinking and blurring so bear with me)! I think it was just the shock of all 3 horrible cancers at once.
She no longer has close neighbors - they all moved away. Altho that was a great suggestion! In fact, she has no close friends left in Florida (or anywhere else) at all. Her family is all dead (mother, father, brother, etc.) except an uncle in CT she sends Xmas stuff to/from. I call her my sister, and she is in every way that counts. But we're not blood related. I'm closer to her than to my own 'real' siblings by 100%. No! A MILLION percent closer. We've been close sisters for 42 years now and I just can't bear losing her.
My therapist said to stop getting ahead of myself and imagining the worst catastrophy. I've gotten used to doing that over the years since then I'm prepared to deal. And life has taught me over and over again that it's a matter of WHeN the bad shit happens, not if. But right now, this is just tearing me apart.
I have a really bad cold now and my pancreas (and liver) has been hot these past few days. My poor body just can't handle this stress and worry. And fighting with hubby isn't a good idea. We've worked things out now and are good, but that on top of Missy is a lot to handle.
AND I just found out 2 days ago that if I can't return to work by Fall 2013, I lose my job. The job I've worked so hard for, sacrificed, put myself thro graduate school (I'm STILL paying off student loans). I'm a tenured professor at the local college and I value my job and what I can contribute. It's a big part of who I am. And since the horrible blow of not being able to have children hit, that's been my legacy, if you will.
I know more things can go wrong, so I won't ask that but it all sucks and is overloading my systems.
Please keep reminding me to take care of myself! I put Me on the back burner all the time. And am doing it again. I'm going to end up back in the hospital for the 3rd time this year. Please, pancreas, just be cool! I need to be strong for me and for Missy. Please.
Thank you all for listening. NIbs
Replies
Robbin,
I wish I had a magic button to make things all better for you. If I could take away all your pain and heal your sister I would in a heartbeat. My heart hurts for you. There are very few people in this world who are very caring and you are one of the few...
I have found something that is almost soothing for the panky and seemed to really help me, I take a sweet potato bake it until very soft, peel it puree it with some fat free chicken broth & a little fat free milk, I like it cold....it feels soooo good on the belly and my panky handles it...I also put ice packs on the panky...It\'s a win, win for me...
Hope everything turns around for you and your sister soon..
Cheryl
Ta so much Cheryl. That\'s such a kind thing for you to say! I feel selfish most days honestly. But I try to think of others and def think of my \'sister\' (I call her my sisterish :).
I\'ll have to try your panky recipe! My groc shop is tomorrow, if I can manage so I\'ll pick one up.
How are things for you? Any happy things happening (I always hope!)? Do you watch the Olympics?
Again, thank you for your support. Just reading your entry makes me feel a little stronger. Like I can DO this! ta, Nibs
So sorry that you are having such a tough time, you do need to take time to take care of yourself, i miss chatting with you but i am always here if you need to vent or cry, I recently lost three imediate family members to sickness, it has been hell for me and my family....Also dont forget to stop and smell the flowers! prayers and hugs to you and your sis...xo
So sorry LIsa for your loss. My thoughts are with you and yours. Hope you find many flowers during this rough period. Take care, NIbs
PS: Just to add to my overall luck, I tripped last night after coming home from doctors for bad sinus (no voice, etc.) at Trader Joe\'s. Hurt my poor right boob, pancreas and think I broke my damn right hand!! How\'s that for luck? Seems we have tons of it - bad, that is! Haha