Trying to be consistent

I have left a message for both of my children advising them I will no longer try to contact them. It is not right. I told them that if I have done something that they don't like I am sorry, and I only did what I have done because I thought it was in their best interest. They have been and are the most important thing in my life, but I want them to grow up to be who they are. I told them I was sorry I had not seen who they were sooner and that I would always love them and welcome any kind of contact they want to make, but I would not be calling them, emailing them or sending them cards and gifts. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, or so I thought. Now the really hard part begins, not ever trying to contact them. Waiting. Waiting and changing my own view of me. I always wanted to have children, I always wanted to be grandma, I wanted to enjoy all the stages of having children, but that is not going to happen. I have already missed out on so many firsts with my children and they can never happen now. I never wanted anyone to suffer the loss of the child or children because of divorce. I guess I always knew it would happen to me some day. If my children and been able to stay with me, I would have worked double time to keep my children and their father connected. I don't know exactly how I would have achieved this but I know I would have gone or taken my kids to a therapist for help if I couldn't do it alone. I just know it is the saddest and worst thing that can happen to any parent or child. Worse than any abuse, worse than death could ever be. But now I must learn to live with this reality. I can't handle the roller coaster of not knowing what they are up too...are they healthy, sad, mad, whatever. I can't handle finding out about what my children are doing after everyone else knows and having to find out from others out side the family. I haven't learned how to handle people who have known my kids, asking how they are, because they don't know they want nothing to do with me. I haven't learned how to listen to others stories of their adult kids and what they are struggling with or achieving. None of this will ever happen for me. I know that until my ex passes away, they will never ever have any relationship with me. And by the time their father passes they will not know how to find me or even think to find me. They will have been without me for so long, I will not even be a thought in their minds. I know this sounds harsh and it is. I am finally trying to see my kids as they are, not as I wanted them to be. They never loved or cared about me. That was proven when I was dealing with 3 major surgeries in 3 months for breast cancer and they couldn't be bothered to leave their rooms and bring me a bottle of water. I would call them on the phone because I couldn't get out of the recliner I was in in the living room and they would say "OK but later" finally "Yes I will as soon as I can" and 1/2 hour would go by with nothing. No amount of calling or begging did anything, except make me sadder. So now they will just forget I ever existed or exist. I have to accept this. I must accept that there is nothing I can do about it. I can not change how my children are or think. They are totally under the influence of their father and he hates me, so they will eventually agree with him. It is just killing me to have to say all of this. I never believed this was possible, I loved my parents, especially my mother, I just knew that my kids would love me. But this is not the truth. So I have a new beginning to get used too, not only am I divorced I am childless. Sorry to have to keep dragging my life out, but I guess I just am sicker then I thought.