Trying Not to Scream
That's been my day today. Trying not to scream. I've been going through mood swings so intense that I just get overwhelmed and want to scream. I don't know what mood it is that caused this, but it's nasty. I don't think it's anger or anything normal that would make you want to scream... it's just overwhelming brain turmoil that makes me want to yell my brains out. So far I've been okay at keeping my cool, but I do have to talk to my doctor tomorrow about it. I know he's not going to be any help since I can't take a bunch of medications that might be able to help, but I've tried taking them in the past and they didn't work. The thing about psychology medications is that you can take something for a while and it works, and then suddenly it doesn't. I think the reverse could be true, too. Things that didn't work before could suddenly work. I think that might work, but I'm not sure.
I don't know much about this sort of thing, especially on a day when I'm brain fried. I can barely eat right now. I tried eating dinner and had problems with the taste of the food. It's the same thing I eat every night, so I don't know why it would be any different, but today I just had trouble swallowing the food. I had tortellini for lunch and that was disgusting too. The only thing I wanted to eat was the Danish butter cookies Geo has, but even right now those seem gross to me. Somehow I made my calories for the day, so that's something. I stepped on the scale today and it said I had gained another pound, but I haven't been drinking my water so that's probably the problem. I'm going to keep my water close to me and hope I don't spill it on the computer. Okay, thinking about ruining my computer with water was enough to scare me to keep it away and I will just have to look over to the table and drink some. I think part of it is that I've been sleeping through the night and not waking to drink water like I was before. I don't know if I was waking to drink water, or waking because I was drinking too much water and had to pee. I don't know.
That seems to be the theme for today- I don't know. I don't know how I feel, I don't know what's going on inside my head, I don't know why I want to throw a fit... Yesterday was an okay day and I was happy, but today is just not. I did manage to go for my walk/jog and did that, but ended up hurting my left calf somehow. I have to walk to the clinic tomorrow to see my doctor, but that's all the exercise I'm going to do. I think my therapist wants me to write things until I know what I'm writing, but I feel like I could write forever on the things I don't know and never get any closer to the things I'm searching for. Mainly right now I just want to sleep. I got 12 hours of sleep last night, pretty good sleep at that, but I want more. I was exhausted after my walk so I took a nap and that threw me off. When I nap I get more tired at night, but I can't sleep. I was doing okay before my walk, and even until after my nap. Then I wanted to scream with the mood swings. I had that a couple days ago as well, I just forgot about it until it happened again today. I think the doctor is going to increase my Depkaote, but I haven't had my blood level checked for what I'm on now. I kept asking the doctor to test me, over and over, but he didn't want to and it pissed me off. I hate that doctor, but I have to see him because my doctor doesn't accept people without insurance. Maybe I should look into getting a new doctor at the clinic. There has to be a good doctor who will see me. Maybe Dr. Pozo (bad doc) will be out sick and I will have to see Dr. Miller (good doc) for the reduced rate. I can hope, can't I?
Stress was high today... duh. I think I was stressed out when I wanted to scream, and the mood swings were stressing me out. Maybe my therapist does have it right and when I write out my stuff it all comes together. Sleep, mood and food I talked about above. Here's my food list for the day: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_tracker.asp?id=LARISSA238&dte=9%2F14%2F2011
I don't know much about this sort of thing, especially on a day when I'm brain fried. I can barely eat right now. I tried eating dinner and had problems with the taste of the food. It's the same thing I eat every night, so I don't know why it would be any different, but today I just had trouble swallowing the food. I had tortellini for lunch and that was disgusting too. The only thing I wanted to eat was the Danish butter cookies Geo has, but even right now those seem gross to me. Somehow I made my calories for the day, so that's something. I stepped on the scale today and it said I had gained another pound, but I haven't been drinking my water so that's probably the problem. I'm going to keep my water close to me and hope I don't spill it on the computer. Okay, thinking about ruining my computer with water was enough to scare me to keep it away and I will just have to look over to the table and drink some. I think part of it is that I've been sleeping through the night and not waking to drink water like I was before. I don't know if I was waking to drink water, or waking because I was drinking too much water and had to pee. I don't know.
That seems to be the theme for today- I don't know. I don't know how I feel, I don't know what's going on inside my head, I don't know why I want to throw a fit... Yesterday was an okay day and I was happy, but today is just not. I did manage to go for my walk/jog and did that, but ended up hurting my left calf somehow. I have to walk to the clinic tomorrow to see my doctor, but that's all the exercise I'm going to do. I think my therapist wants me to write things until I know what I'm writing, but I feel like I could write forever on the things I don't know and never get any closer to the things I'm searching for. Mainly right now I just want to sleep. I got 12 hours of sleep last night, pretty good sleep at that, but I want more. I was exhausted after my walk so I took a nap and that threw me off. When I nap I get more tired at night, but I can't sleep. I was doing okay before my walk, and even until after my nap. Then I wanted to scream with the mood swings. I had that a couple days ago as well, I just forgot about it until it happened again today. I think the doctor is going to increase my Depkaote, but I haven't had my blood level checked for what I'm on now. I kept asking the doctor to test me, over and over, but he didn't want to and it pissed me off. I hate that doctor, but I have to see him because my doctor doesn't accept people without insurance. Maybe I should look into getting a new doctor at the clinic. There has to be a good doctor who will see me. Maybe Dr. Pozo (bad doc) will be out sick and I will have to see Dr. Miller (good doc) for the reduced rate. I can hope, can't I?
Stress was high today... duh. I think I was stressed out when I wanted to scream, and the mood swings were stressing me out. Maybe my therapist does have it right and when I write out my stuff it all comes together. Sleep, mood and food I talked about above. Here's my food list for the day: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_tracker.asp?id=LARISSA238&dte=9%2F14%2F2011
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