trying new things
A lot of old memories from what men did to me when i was in the service has been bothering me recently... old bitterness and anger.
Everywhere i go, i keep getting hit on like i have some beacon on me that says "hey i'm single now!" It's been angering me and bringing back those bad memories. i keep catching myself from slipping back into the old habit of telling every guy to go F them selves (and rip them a new one like when i was back in the Corps). some of the guys say things that make me want to punch them in the jaw! but i usually leave the scene (wherever it is). i end up withdrawing from public areas, social events / gatherings, avoiding my friends, avoiding calls, and just shutting down. I've even found my self not enjoying the beach as much as i used to (thanks to guys hitting on me there, too).
i started questioning everything i was doing and all my negative feelings. why am i not enjoying anything? why am i not interested in anything? anyway, i posted a topic on the fibro board asking for ideas on what to do that can be fun i can try! so...... yesterday i had my 1st ukulele lesson!! YAY! then eventually i'll try guitar, and well im supposed to try something new every week and report back to my pain psychologist if i enjoyed it or not. lol. so far, i like the ukulele.... *grins*
i'll also be working on reversing the negative non-social feelings with trying to socialize. at least with a friend, so i feel safe. I'll try to do this at least once a week.
in other news... i fell down the stairs today. my feet have been slipping from under me while on the steps lately but this is the 1st time i actually took a good tumble down to the bottom. nothing broken. just bruises, some swelling and soreness (i'm sure the fibro will be feelin it in the morning). been icing on and off.
also... found out that NY is building a 17 floor MOSQUE next to Ground Zero! i've been very upset tonight about this. the mayor gave the "ok" to build this thing. i feel like this is not only a slap in the face to all the dead people of 9/11, but spitting on their graves!!! if i could fly out there to protest, i would. how DARE they build that!?!?!
ok y'all.... can't think of much else and i've taken up lots of space here.... have a great rest of the week and God bless!
Everywhere i go, i keep getting hit on like i have some beacon on me that says "hey i'm single now!" It's been angering me and bringing back those bad memories. i keep catching myself from slipping back into the old habit of telling every guy to go F them selves (and rip them a new one like when i was back in the Corps). some of the guys say things that make me want to punch them in the jaw! but i usually leave the scene (wherever it is). i end up withdrawing from public areas, social events / gatherings, avoiding my friends, avoiding calls, and just shutting down. I've even found my self not enjoying the beach as much as i used to (thanks to guys hitting on me there, too).
i started questioning everything i was doing and all my negative feelings. why am i not enjoying anything? why am i not interested in anything? anyway, i posted a topic on the fibro board asking for ideas on what to do that can be fun i can try! so...... yesterday i had my 1st ukulele lesson!! YAY! then eventually i'll try guitar, and well im supposed to try something new every week and report back to my pain psychologist if i enjoyed it or not. lol. so far, i like the ukulele.... *grins*
i'll also be working on reversing the negative non-social feelings with trying to socialize. at least with a friend, so i feel safe. I'll try to do this at least once a week.
in other news... i fell down the stairs today. my feet have been slipping from under me while on the steps lately but this is the 1st time i actually took a good tumble down to the bottom. nothing broken. just bruises, some swelling and soreness (i'm sure the fibro will be feelin it in the morning). been icing on and off.
also... found out that NY is building a 17 floor MOSQUE next to Ground Zero! i've been very upset tonight about this. the mayor gave the "ok" to build this thing. i feel like this is not only a slap in the face to all the dead people of 9/11, but spitting on their graves!!! if i could fly out there to protest, i would. how DARE they build that!?!?!
ok y'all.... can't think of much else and i've taken up lots of space here.... have a great rest of the week and God bless!
Replies
Maybe the air is still really contaminated at ground zero :) I hear ya on being upset about that. As far as being hit on, it used to bug me like it does you but now with the fibro and turning into a fat walrus i dont get hit on at all anymore and now in some dumb way its worse cause i used to be the pretty girl and now i just feel like the gross girl and hate it when people look because instead of them thinking jee isnt she cute now they think what the hell happened to her!! I hope you feet start working better, i do that to, my ankles or my knees give out without warning and down i go. I try to laugh it off the best i can. I hope you start feeling better! That is awesome you are playing the ukelele, how cool is that! You take care of yourself, Hugs, Marie
I\'m pretty sure I don\'t want to know what went on in the service. What I DO want to know is why the f**k they don\'t DO something about it.
Having been raped, I know about the feelings of not even wanting men to look at me and definitely not touch me or speak to me. To add insult to injury I got called for jury duty a few years later, and was empaneled on a rape case. The judge was asking the standard questions as to whether anyone sitting in the jury box thought they could not be impartial, and I raised my hand. He asked me why I thought I couldn\'t be impartial, and I said \"I\'ve been a victim of a violent crime,\" which should have been enough. Instead, the bastard made me stand up in open court, with the jury, the defendant, the attorneys, and public present, and say specifically what violent crime, so I had to say \"I was raped\" in front of about 50 strangers, most of whom were men. They can be so clueless and insensitive!
I\'m glad you\'re working with a pain psychologist - sounds like you\'re on a positive path even with the old feelings coming up. Seems we have to bring them up again in order to deal with them.
Hang in there - after all you\'ve been through I know you\'re a strong woman and you\'ve survived so much - you\'re not going to let this keep you down.
don\'t know who Marie is but wld do my ego good to get hit on at least once in awhile. Even the hubby don\'t do that anymore and am only 58 the tenth! But can understand where you are coming from. Enjoy the music it is good for the soul.~~~Debbie
i know some of you think being hit on is a good thing. but after the hell i\'ve been through, for me it\'s not a good thing. it brings back a lot of pain. men don\'t know how to respect a woman! they just talk to us & eye ball me like i\'m a piece of meat! and after what i\'ve been through, i just can\'t go there. all the anger in the pit of my stomach and in my veins start to boil.
I know i have to work on my past pain and scars. but it will probably take the rest of my life before i\'m ever healed from it.
for my next relationship, i want the guy and me to be friends 1st before we slowly start dating. not some stupid charming persistent maniac hitting on me (like in the movies) that turns out to be a psychopath killer!
What about Garland? LMAO J/K I just heard that he took you to lunch when you were here.
yeah that dude counts as psycho. i didn\'t realize it till we started walking down the road and he was introducing me to everyone like i was some freakin trophy! wtf! Garland needs a straight jacket! that jacked up psycho ward asked me to MOVE THERE- 15 mins after Raven introduced me to him! wow....... seriously, I told Raven she should get some better friends. she was like \"He\'s NOT my friend! just someone that follows me around.\" wtf.....
yeah he took her to get some coffee one morning but had no money to pay for it until his dad got there. I think he is seriously mentally ill, almost to the point of being sad.
he did the same to me. he asked some old guy at the cafe to pay for my lunch. i wasn\'t even planning on eating when i got there, but he insisted i order something. what an ass.... i was so embarrassed, i wanted to punch Garl in the jaw. he is really sad. thank God I\'m never coming back to that town.
Aw, Blue, keep trying to look forward, not back. Some stuff can be hard to deal with, and needs to be dealt with, before it can be totally forgotten. I have demons too that I try to keep behind me, but they still seem to creep up when I am weak. It\'s good that you recognize where you\'re at (mentally) right now, and that you are trying to do something about it. My guess is that you\'ve been through this before, and that you recognized the symptoms, which is why you reached out for help. Keeping busy is good, and as you noted, finding something to do that you enjoy. Best wishes for you to feel better soon.
Sorry about the fall! I hope it does not set off a flare.