Trying and Incongruities
so yesterday i bit the bullet, stopped avoidance in its tracks and emailed Dr. B. about an extension for my paper. She wrote back today and wants more details about my medical emergency. i believe in being honest about my disorder, but its happened too many times that i've trusted a teacher or authority and been abandonned or stabbed in the back. i'm afraid. and all those prior experiences are making me gunshy about disclosing. i'm going to talk to the SDS rep and see what she says. part of me thinks my reluctance is about shame. there's such a stigma against brain disorders and mental illness, especially after virginia tech -- not that i'm homicidal or anything.
it seems so incongruous that i'm so listless and unmotivated and hiding most of the day, but yesterday i went and put in an application for a teacher's aide position. the financial situation needs to be resolved and i think i need a job on top of school to make ends meet with this newest expense facing me for the foreseeable future. granted i didn't dress to file my application. i went in my lounging clothes and they looked askance at my washed out and grungy appearance, but at least i got the application in and took the typing test. it took three tries partially because the scoring machine demanded two spaces between sentences--does anybody not working on an old school typewriter even do that anymore? but i ended with a score of 62 wpm and 4 errors, so i qualify for the position on that level. at least, i'm trying on the financial responsibility front to do the right thing. it's so hard today though. i feel like doing nothing. it's another blue mood hide out day.
i still really want to get a pen friends thing going, but i'm too wiped today to even think about it. maybe tomorrow after my session with the t-doc.
Edit: i emailed Dr. B...not fun, i hate talking about this stuff to people who don't live with it. i didn't offer my dx, the SDS rep said I didn't have to. i just said i have an ailment that occasionally manifests and listed some symptoms. that sounds okay right? i feel very vulnerable and exposed about it all which is not helping my mood. i feel...unsafe (?)... in exposing myself that way to someone who is an authority, but who is also a stranger that i have no reason to trust with my emotional and mental self. i think it's time for more meds now. BTW does anyone on abilify know if its suppossed to knock you out?
it seems so incongruous that i'm so listless and unmotivated and hiding most of the day, but yesterday i went and put in an application for a teacher's aide position. the financial situation needs to be resolved and i think i need a job on top of school to make ends meet with this newest expense facing me for the foreseeable future. granted i didn't dress to file my application. i went in my lounging clothes and they looked askance at my washed out and grungy appearance, but at least i got the application in and took the typing test. it took three tries partially because the scoring machine demanded two spaces between sentences--does anybody not working on an old school typewriter even do that anymore? but i ended with a score of 62 wpm and 4 errors, so i qualify for the position on that level. at least, i'm trying on the financial responsibility front to do the right thing. it's so hard today though. i feel like doing nothing. it's another blue mood hide out day.
i still really want to get a pen friends thing going, but i'm too wiped today to even think about it. maybe tomorrow after my session with the t-doc.
Edit: i emailed Dr. B...not fun, i hate talking about this stuff to people who don't live with it. i didn't offer my dx, the SDS rep said I didn't have to. i just said i have an ailment that occasionally manifests and listed some symptoms. that sounds okay right? i feel very vulnerable and exposed about it all which is not helping my mood. i feel...unsafe (?)... in exposing myself that way to someone who is an authority, but who is also a stranger that i have no reason to trust with my emotional and mental self. i think it's time for more meds now. BTW does anyone on abilify know if its suppossed to knock you out?
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