trying again

missed being here... having hard time slowing down my head....been on again off again for last 5 months with a woman. she is kind but im still a mess. im so ready in so many ways to play house...i want someone in my life that i can share my day with and wake up next to. i put up so many walls and am so insecure i make things very difficult for everyone. im been loosing it emotionally alot because i want more but will never move an hour away from my kids. it kills me to only have them few days a week as it is so i beat myself up cause start trouble so dont feel more guilt...i so just want to enjoy couple days a week that we have but cant seem to. i loose it alll the time. she is so independent and im so damn needy. i never put myself first. and when others are able to i feel hurt and not needed and rejected. why cant i just say hey i need a me day. i burn myself out so much cause i work so hard and so many hours then have the kids now im traveling back and forth couple days so ya im fried. just tossing this out for some feedback.... feel like im  a hot mess. walls suck im such a mushy needy woman