Trying
I am planning on being snowed in for the next 2 days. I started baking some of the cookies. (Still have alot more to do. ) I did check on facebook to see if others were posting yet about the storm. Unfortunately with my phone it spends more time giving me friends to hook up with or sharing their feeds.
I would stumble across an "acquaintance" (since that it about all I am.) I can think back to when he told me he would always make time to check on others he did care about and that I was one of them. In all fairness, I have not been on facebook much and did see he sent a friend request, but I have no clue when. I did accept it, but it matters very little now I'm sure. I see a mutual friend and they are both in close contact often with upbeat inspirational messages.
I think back to when I felt I could not share what I was going through as he would tell me not to be a victim. Or when he was supportive yet bringing all my shortcomings to the surface. Granted he did gove me some things to work on, but now as I think back I do realize that I was not good enough and needed to be fixed. (actually many of us are works in progress)
I am ashamed to say I am envious that he is so easily able to share this with others, yet I am so obviously forgettable. I know you all will tell me to be happy with myself and my faith. I am trying to turn inward and to hang tight to that faith, but right now, my mind is so clouded with the emptiness that I cannot think straight. The doubt and feeling of inadequacies are taking over and I cannot feel any lessons or messages God may be trying to tell me.
Not sure why I am posting or venting... I am clearly still a mess and should keep my pain, emptiness and anxiety and "victimhood " to myself. Just wondering why I have to go through this? I always thought getting through things and reaching out to help others was a good thing, but right now, feeling like I cann0t get through any more. OR did I ever really get through anything in the first place????
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Remember, happiness is not a destination; only a temporal experience. Like the sun between the passing clouds. You are perfect as you are, even if some do not believe you to be so. You are as God intended: human, vulnerable, capable of great courage and great sadness for this is empathy. God loves you for who you are; I ( and others) love you as a kindred human being. You deserve to be here no less than the trees and stars, or any other of God's creations. Now, you must love yourself. That is the work before you.
Salutations of the Season to you. I send prayers and thoughts of peace, health and happiness.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
of course. =-)
hugs kim.....hope your Christmas is joyful
Stay strong Kim. Big hugs!
This has been such a bad year. I want to complain but I did enough already! Things could be worse. Guess we will see.
I was just listening to a Neal Donald Walsh video where he had alot to say about victimhood. The topic of discussin for the video was abundance. There is alot on it even for me so Ihave to listen to it a little at a time. If you like, I can send you the link because I really think it will help. I know it did me.
I been watching the weather and now they are saying maine could get up to a foot but the eastern atlantic states below me are going to get hammered by up to two feet of snow! Usually it's the other way around! I will pray for you....and me!
God Bless
Wound up sick this evening, but finally feeling better. We did get well over a foot of snow, but with winds then a heavy pelting of sleet it did seem to bring the totals down. It is hard to get an actual reading as the back door has it swirled up and barricaded me inside halfway up the bottom storm panel of my door. My front door has only several inches to open up to since the wind took most of it away from the front deck. At any rate, I did not plan to attempt work tomorrow (actually today). Snow is still coming, but very fine for now.
I would finally open my mail ... was sent clothes the nursing home found from over a year ago that were Dave's. Also a Christmas card from the funeral home .Both just more reminders, but actually had a very nice little brochure from grief share that did seem to help. Also a link to more resources which I may take up.
I did also get a very nice card from Bill with his yearly update. That did bring back memories when we used to all do that. Now people barely take time... you get a quick mention online if you're lucky. Thank you Bill as I feel more connected as I learned more of you and your furry friends. Your Lunatic does remind me of when we had Kozmo. (He would get his name from Dave as he said that he was just as "out there" as Kozmo Kramer (from Seinfeld.) I give you alot of credit as you do seem to always keep going and with a positive attitude (even after losing Mom before last Christmas. )
After reading the Griefshare I am reminded that it is normal with ups and downs and unexpected reminders . I think maybe I am having a bit of a double whammy as I did also trust and come to make a new friend. As time went on we did drift apart. He would quickly move forward and on with his life, while I was at a different point and still struggling. The support , kindness and mentoring that he did originally propose has been replaced with silence and not even a thought. While I did have an adventure, I did foolishly let my guard down and again feel that abandonment.
Thank you all for kind words and prayers. It means alot.