Trying

I've done a lot of research about emotional abuse, and I still don't feel ready to give up on my relationship, and am still in a small phase of denial. It's always just that time in between the arguments and blow-ups and insane anger that get me everytime. The cuddling, and the sweetness, and those miniscule glimpses of kindness. She has agreed to the suggestion I posed not to long ago about instead of arguing like we always do, and instead of disengaging, trying to write to each other how we're feeling.  It's something, and even though I'm younger, I still believe in my grandparents generation that you just stick it out.   I tell myself a lot lately that once she finds a way to destress, or once she gets more effective at managing her time in her new position that it will go back to what it used to be like.  But then I ask myself, has it always been this way?  I can't seem to remember anymore, or pinpoint exactly when we started arguing like this.  Today I had an appointment with my first gynecologist to have a Colposcopy procedure done because my last pap smear came back abnormal. My doctor shared that my pap smear detected High Risk HPV, which can potentially be cancer causing. One thing I can definitely say is that if I had not been attending Al-Anon meetings for the last 4 months that I would not necessarily know how to deal with this right now.  I feel equipped to deal with life on life's terms right now, no matter what comes.  And it will be okay.  I know my higher power will help guide me along.   I guess if you're somewhat of a sexual menace when you're younger you can't always just escape scott free.  What goes around does indeed come around.  I know that sounds a bit morbid, but I do truly believe that.  And not in the sense that you pay for what you do, but in the sense of hurting others and yourself, you're going to learn something in the process whether it's then, or later.  I'm thankful for this day.  I'm thankful for my family.  And, Yes, I am even thankful for my partner today.