Trying

 I recently have been struck with some bad times.  I feel like I have been presented with many things I have to let go of.  The biggest one being him and the "idea" of him.  When I am dealing with hardships the first thing my brain goes to is him.  I think about how great his life is and how much he has.  I really want to stop doing that, it is unnecessary.  I haven't brought these feelings up to anyone because I think everyone is tired of listening to me talk about him as a problem.  Plus I have told everyone that he is out of my life and if I am still worrying about him I haven't fully let go.  It's been almost 5 weeks and not a word from either side.  Makes me feel like he didn't get a shit about me, and I know in my heart of hearts I will never hear from him again.    But wait! Thats a good thing, if I never hear from him I can start to move on with my life and never have to deal with his crazy toxic bullshit again.  So why the hell do I feel like this?  Like I want him out but I also want him to call and let me know he is suffering so I feel better.  That isn't me, I don't want people to hurt and suffer.  And I left this whole situation out of fairness for BOTH of us.  I didn't want either one of us to hurt, be strung along, or waste our time.  So why do I want him to hurt to prove that I am ok?  He is starting his NHL hockey season and I feel like a loser.  God has given him so many luxuries and yet he behaves the way he does.  He probably already has ten model girlfriends, it makes me feel so average.  Is this codependency blues?  Why do I feel these emotions, why can't I let him go.  Why can't I know from the bottom of my toes that he was bad and cut all mental ties.  Any insight or advice would be nice.  I am having a hard moment.