Trying
I recently have been struck with some bad times. I feel like I have been presented with many things I have to let go of. The biggest one being him and the "idea" of him. When I am dealing with hardships the first thing my brain goes to is him. I think about how great his life is and how much he has. I really want to stop doing that, it is unnecessary. I haven't brought these feelings up to anyone because I think everyone is tired of listening to me talk about him as a problem. Plus I have told everyone that he is out of my life and if I am still worrying about him I haven't fully let go. It's been almost 5 weeks and not a word from either side. Makes me feel like he didn't get a shit about me, and I know in my heart of hearts I will never hear from him again. But wait! Thats a good thing, if I never hear from him I can start to move on with my life and never have to deal with his crazy toxic bullshit again. So why the hell do I feel like this? Like I want him out but I also want him to call and let me know he is suffering so I feel better. That isn't me, I don't want people to hurt and suffer. And I left this whole situation out of fairness for BOTH of us. I didn't want either one of us to hurt, be strung along, or waste our time. So why do I want him to hurt to prove that I am ok? He is starting his NHL hockey season and I feel like a loser. God has given him so many luxuries and yet he behaves the way he does. He probably already has ten model girlfriends, it makes me feel so average. Is this codependency blues? Why do I feel these emotions, why can't I let him go. Why can't I know from the bottom of my toes that he was bad and cut all mental ties. Any insight or advice would be nice. I am having a hard moment.
Replies
First, dont feel like a loser! Did you feel like a loser before you met him? Probably not! And who cares if he has 10 top model girlfriends, do you think he\'s gonna treat them any different? Of course not. Do you understand that he never saw you for you. He saw you as who he wanted you to become. And everyday, like a puzzle, he took away pieces of \"you\",and replaced them with pieces of \"her\", his dream woman. NOT you. And that is why you now feel like a \"loser\" without him. Because \"she\" would. And whatever parts of you are \"her\", are feeling exactly the way he wants you to feel. But, there is that other piece of you that is the genuine you, and its screaming for your attention! She\'s been so used to being stomped on and ignored, and told that she isnt good enough, or is always wrong! She\'s been mostly quiet when he\'s around, because it\'s easier to keep the peace. But when he wasnt around, just like right now, shes screaming for you to acknowledge her! Screaming for you to let him and \"her\" go! Telling you every moment that you can do better than this, that she deserves better than this! Why are you willing to love him, who treats you like dirt, and not love her, who is no one else but yourself! Give it time!