Truth be told

Honestly, that was hard yesterday. It was hard to be grateful. I'm glad there was a specific reason and purpose and call for gratitude otherwise I never would have scrounged around for any of it, at all.
I was SO crabby and weary and weepy, all day. I sat at my computer at work with a lump in my throat most of the work day. I thought bitter dark thoughts about how I am NOT interested in this work and I DON'T want to be here anymore -- at work I mean, not in life. I like life but I am tired of pretending to be interested in certain projects and certain clients and it's soooo far from where my heart really is that it is almost more than I can bear.
I am going to talk with my pastoral counselor Jennifer about this tomorrow. And last night I had a lovely chat with Margaret, who is Caitlin's mom and a integrative physician for women (my son's future mom-in-law... what do I call her??? it's like she should be my sister, sort of! And we have always loved each other, right from the get-go in 2005...) and she said maybe I should find a way to work more from home, and that she would visualize that for me. Mmm, that's good but it's not the whole answer.
I DO need to work at least 3-4 days a week to pay my share of the bills but I also need to find a way to not be so disinterested. I am lucky to have a job that is so nearby, so flexible, so supportive, so creative (most of the time)... so I don't want to blow it, and throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. Have to take care of the baby.
I need to also make more time for MOI... for exercise. I hate feeling soft and blobby. Yesterday after work I went for a 4.25 mile run and the endorphins helped sooo much.... it's just really hard to stand my ground and make time for it, to hold off all the pressures of life, family, church, and the gigantor project of getting Drew's house emptied and ready for sale. OMG. More runs... more head clearing runs... more weight-lifting... otherwise I won't have anything to give. As a wise (but crabby) friend once told me, if I don't put myself and my needs at the top of the list, who is going to even MAKE the list? No me, no list. OK... venting has led to resolve. And a little hope. Thanks for bearing with me. :o)
xoxoxoxoxo <3