Truth be told
Honestly, that was hard yesterday. It was hard to be grateful. I'm glad there was a specific reason and purpose and call for gratitude otherwise I never would have scrounged around for any of it, at all.
I was SO crabby and weary and weepy, all day. I sat at my computer at work with a lump in my throat most of the work day. I thought bitter dark thoughts about how I am NOT interested in this work and I DON'T want to be here anymore -- at work I mean, not in life. I like life but I am tired of pretending to be interested in certain projects and certain clients and it's soooo far from where my heart really is that it is almost more than I can bear.
I am going to talk with my pastoral counselor Jennifer about this tomorrow. And last night I had a lovely chat with Margaret, who is Caitlin's mom and a integrative physician for women (my son's future mom-in-law... what do I call her??? it's like she should be my sister, sort of! And we have always loved each other, right from the get-go in 2005...) and she said maybe I should find a way to work more from home, and that she would visualize that for me. Mmm, that's good but it's not the whole answer.
I DO need to work at least 3-4 days a week to pay my share of the bills but I also need to find a way to not be so disinterested. I am lucky to have a job that is so nearby, so flexible, so supportive, so creative (most of the time)... so I don't want to blow it, and throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. Have to take care of the baby.
I need to also make more time for MOI... for exercise. I hate feeling soft and blobby. Yesterday after work I went for a 4.25 mile run and the endorphins helped sooo much.... it's just really hard to stand my ground and make time for it, to hold off all the pressures of life, family, church, and the gigantor project of getting Drew's house emptied and ready for sale. OMG. More runs... more head clearing runs... more weight-lifting... otherwise I won't have anything to give. As a wise (but crabby) friend once told me, if I don't put myself and my needs at the top of the list, who is going to even MAKE the list? No me, no list. OK... venting has led to resolve. And a little hope. Thanks for bearing with me. :o)
xoxoxoxoxo <3
I was SO crabby and weary and weepy, all day. I sat at my computer at work with a lump in my throat most of the work day. I thought bitter dark thoughts about how I am NOT interested in this work and I DON'T want to be here anymore -- at work I mean, not in life. I like life but I am tired of pretending to be interested in certain projects and certain clients and it's soooo far from where my heart really is that it is almost more than I can bear.
I am going to talk with my pastoral counselor Jennifer about this tomorrow. And last night I had a lovely chat with Margaret, who is Caitlin's mom and a integrative physician for women (my son's future mom-in-law... what do I call her??? it's like she should be my sister, sort of! And we have always loved each other, right from the get-go in 2005...) and she said maybe I should find a way to work more from home, and that she would visualize that for me. Mmm, that's good but it's not the whole answer.
I DO need to work at least 3-4 days a week to pay my share of the bills but I also need to find a way to not be so disinterested. I am lucky to have a job that is so nearby, so flexible, so supportive, so creative (most of the time)... so I don't want to blow it, and throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. Have to take care of the baby.
I need to also make more time for MOI... for exercise. I hate feeling soft and blobby. Yesterday after work I went for a 4.25 mile run and the endorphins helped sooo much.... it's just really hard to stand my ground and make time for it, to hold off all the pressures of life, family, church, and the gigantor project of getting Drew's house emptied and ready for sale. OMG. More runs... more head clearing runs... more weight-lifting... otherwise I won't have anything to give. As a wise (but crabby) friend once told me, if I don't put myself and my needs at the top of the list, who is going to even MAKE the list? No me, no list. OK... venting has led to resolve. And a little hope. Thanks for bearing with me. :o)
xoxoxoxoxo <3
Replies
I know that they ask us to write on Monday\'s something to be grateful for...I have many things to be grateful for, but I can\'t seem to express any since my son passed away. I just feel our children dying is a total waste...My son and I am sure your son had so much to give in this world so none of it makes sense to me....I guess I am stuck there...I really don\'t know how anyone works after a loss like we have had on this site, it\'s like my mind can not focus for very long on anything and can\'t take in a lot of information when someone is telling me something....so I can\'t imagine having to think and work......Take care, Sandi
I can so relate to all that you say. I am about to re-enter the work force in nursing, and I am hoping so much that I find something that inspires some passion. After caring for elderly parents for nearly 3 years, I know I don\'t want nursing home work.
Indeed, we are in the drivers seat of our reality. We just have to keep on truckin!
Happy creating to you....love, Rebecca
... sending you a love punch from here \'Rah ...
No YOU, no list ... indeed. Pay you first, and watch your investment g r o w !
Dearest Sarah, I think it must be a universal malaise from all the grief swirling around us. I could have written your first two paragraphs - sounded so much like how I feel \"most\" days and I own this joint...WTH? It all seems so \"trivial\" in my greater scheme - right now. I can\'t just walk away - too many people depend on me...or so, that\'s what I say! Feeling your pain, girlfriend. Steady as she goes....Tuesday Love - Suzzanne
I find myself in such a similar dilemma...there are many thing I am grateful for, many....however, in the grip of grief, fear, loss, catastrophic illness, and many other overwhelming things day to day, it is hard to feel, to experience the gratitude, even though in my head it IS there....but I am now convinced about the oxygen , yes, my mask must go on first....YOU TOO! sending love and a wish for peace amidst life\'s tumult...
I hear you! I try to walk (no more running for me), but when I am feeling down, getting off the couch is barely doable!
I found that work seemed so insignificant after losing Lisa. As you said, the support, flexibility and of course the salary were definite positives. I am not working and likely won\'t be going back. I find it harder to get motivated when there is no place to be at 8 am and I do miss the people!
Good luck with the running and weightlifting and work choices
Hugs, Marlene.
Some days the emotions are just worn out! We hit a wall, and need to replenish ourselves. Re-creation. Wonderful word. I need it for myself after a trying weekend. I think our emotional clocks are set at 11 all the time, and we reach 12 just too quickly. At least I do. Interactions become exhausting. Hope the next few days are rich with inspiration for you. and me. love, abby
Baby steps, a few here and a few there. Before you know it you\'ll be taking giant steps, but sometimes it\'s like one step forward and two steps back. All part of this crazy roller coaster ride. Fasten your seat belt and hang on. And if you feel yourself slipping, just let us know and we\'ll be there ready to encourage you to hold on some more. Gibberish, probably, but had to write something to let you know I do read some journals. Take care, your friend, BarbaraWawa
Making time for ourselves is so vital during this journey and knowing that it can change and does is part of it too. I have found that I don\'t have the \"emotional reserves\" that I used to and that life just has a way of getting too complicated some days. Finding the time for the simple pleasures can make such a difference and I\'m with you on the need to exercise. Thinking of you, Sarah, and Heidi too as I believe today was the day she would be receiving some direction on what her options are. Continued healing and putting ourselves at the top of our lists... XO Joanie
Hi Sarah, I also could have written this journal, lol. I have a wonderful job and can make a difference for children & families and on a good day I think I do. But it is so very hard to focus. i just feel exhausted. And when I do get out & exercise I feel so much better & even think more clearly. But some days it IS such a struggle & I get overwhelmed easily now as never before.
I hope things improve as far as your focus (and mine too!). How is dear Heidi? I was wondering too. Love to you and your precious family, Linda
I think that in the 1+ year of grief, when we walk around in a fog most of the time...unable to focus, make decisions, memory lapses, emotionally charged most all the moments of the day, sleep deprived, the feeling that we are forgetting everything, all the time...that our lives will be this way forever....searching for answers....feeling hopeless...watching the world go by and feeling that ours has stopped...not feeling thankful or grateful for many things...( when actually we had forgotten to be thankful or notice due to our intense grief)---that is why FMO started Green Smiley Mondays...to have us reflect...even if it was only for a moment... of something to be thankful about, positive about, something we are looking forward to...and a way of checking in with each other...I felt the same as most do...how can I think of one happy thought when I hurt so?!!
Well, when we find ourselves injured-- a physical injury--we sometimes have to go to physical therapy to help the injury along...usually that involves some excersises that when done regularly help build strength so that you can improve the ailment.
In our cases our hearts are injured and after a while some of us try a few excersise that help our outlook--lift our hearts--even if only for a moment...after a while there are longer periods of peace...sometimes, we resume an activity that we once enjoyed, we start visiting friends again, we can make it through the grocery store without crying, maybe we can finally making a favorite dish of our childs--you know, the one that we have been avoiding--or go to a favorite cafe--these are all Milestones in our journey...these are the baby steps others speak of...will we leave our child\'s memory behind?...I don\'t think that is possible, But I firmly believe that we are meant to live, too...we just all need to heal first....does healing mean we leave our child behind? No, I don\'t think so...it just means that we have learned new coping skills to make it through the rough spots...
Take care of you,
AnnM