Trusting the Truth and Doubting Vicki
This is probably somewhat redundant for all of you as I know I have written some about desire before. I belong to a group call Way of Mastery and I wrote this for the group. I didn't feel like re-writing it, so I am posting as is.
I have no idea where to start, so I'll let my heart be my guide. I have been horribly sick for over and month now (even hospitalized) and the "unknown" has been and still is very scary for me. Although I am still dedicated to my morning meditations/quiet time, for weeks now it has been blank; nothing. I have to laugh, because I am sensing this all started with the Desire exercises. I realized some time ago, desire was blank for me because my desires as a child were always squashed. I can remember having a desire to be loved and held by my parents; a desire to be accepted; a desire to be supported, nurtured; a desire to be liked; a desire to feel special, etc. None of those desires were ever met, so it is no wonder I drew a blank when doing the exercises. I did manage to get some desires as time passed and when I went back and looked, more than one time, my desire was to Trust this Truth path I have been on for 36 years. I am staring sickness in the face and everything I have learned over these past 36 years means *nothing.* to me right now. But there is something in me that keeps gnawing at me to continue to do my work even though there is no response. This morning in my quiet time I got "this is not happening to you, this is happening for you." That was a huge shift. How many times I have shared that with others but didn't remember it myself. Next....I just got around to listening to Sarita's Webcast and I must have heard the word *trust* a zillion times. Isn't that interesting my desire was/is to trust this Truth process and that's what the Webcast was all about. It came to me also, that as kids, we were never, never, never allowed to be sick; that was an absolute no, no. So when I am sick, there is so very much shame; like I am doing something wrong. Instead of allowing this process to take place, let myself be where I am, I am fighting it tooth and nail and being very resistant to what is going on. Sarita talked about choosing all of this (that irritates me also; why would I choose sickness) but, I think I can own it now and allow this process to continue. It pissed me off because again, I see it as something bad, something that I should not be doing. So my continued desire today is to be open to my desires, without judgement, allow where I am, allow all the fears to surface behind what is going on in my body, and work with accepting this whole process. Again, I really had a strong sense this a.m., this is not happening to you but for you.
I am with you'all on the no complaining and appreciation week. I have never been a big complainer (as that was something else that was never allowed in my family) but I sure do judge those who are chronic complainers. This is been one of the toughest months I have ever spent on my journey of 36 yrs. I have never felt so alone, so scared, and I was certainly a Doubting Thomas! I also have to be really careful as seeing illness as something I am doing wrong; or not doing something right. It just is. Thank you everyone for your beautiful posts and thank you Sarita for your Webcast...it was perfect for me. xx
P.S.
The group has agreed to do a week no complaining and finding appreciation instead. This morning I am feeling somewhat appreciative about this happening as it is good to get everything checked out so I can be good and healthy for my little "sweet pea Roman" and my new "Little Bit Girl" that is coming in Oct.
I have no idea where to start, so I'll let my heart be my guide. I have been horribly sick for over and month now (even hospitalized) and the "unknown" has been and still is very scary for me. Although I am still dedicated to my morning meditations/quiet time, for weeks now it has been blank; nothing. I have to laugh, because I am sensing this all started with the Desire exercises. I realized some time ago, desire was blank for me because my desires as a child were always squashed. I can remember having a desire to be loved and held by my parents; a desire to be accepted; a desire to be supported, nurtured; a desire to be liked; a desire to feel special, etc. None of those desires were ever met, so it is no wonder I drew a blank when doing the exercises. I did manage to get some desires as time passed and when I went back and looked, more than one time, my desire was to Trust this Truth path I have been on for 36 years. I am staring sickness in the face and everything I have learned over these past 36 years means *nothing.* to me right now. But there is something in me that keeps gnawing at me to continue to do my work even though there is no response. This morning in my quiet time I got "this is not happening to you, this is happening for you." That was a huge shift. How many times I have shared that with others but didn't remember it myself. Next....I just got around to listening to Sarita's Webcast and I must have heard the word *trust* a zillion times. Isn't that interesting my desire was/is to trust this Truth process and that's what the Webcast was all about. It came to me also, that as kids, we were never, never, never allowed to be sick; that was an absolute no, no. So when I am sick, there is so very much shame; like I am doing something wrong. Instead of allowing this process to take place, let myself be where I am, I am fighting it tooth and nail and being very resistant to what is going on. Sarita talked about choosing all of this (that irritates me also; why would I choose sickness) but, I think I can own it now and allow this process to continue. It pissed me off because again, I see it as something bad, something that I should not be doing. So my continued desire today is to be open to my desires, without judgement, allow where I am, allow all the fears to surface behind what is going on in my body, and work with accepting this whole process. Again, I really had a strong sense this a.m., this is not happening to you but for you.
I am with you'all on the no complaining and appreciation week. I have never been a big complainer (as that was something else that was never allowed in my family) but I sure do judge those who are chronic complainers. This is been one of the toughest months I have ever spent on my journey of 36 yrs. I have never felt so alone, so scared, and I was certainly a Doubting Thomas! I also have to be really careful as seeing illness as something I am doing wrong; or not doing something right. It just is. Thank you everyone for your beautiful posts and thank you Sarita for your Webcast...it was perfect for me. xx
P.S.
The group has agreed to do a week no complaining and finding appreciation instead. This morning I am feeling somewhat appreciative about this happening as it is good to get everything checked out so I can be good and healthy for my little "sweet pea Roman" and my new "Little Bit Girl" that is coming in Oct.
Replies
Vickie,
I hear you. I, too, had difficulties with \"desires\" since I was allowed none as a child.
And I am glad for the message you received, \"This is not happening to you, this is happening for you\" and because I find myself in a dark, touch spot this moment it brought me some comfort. Thank you.
You are wonderful Vicki and the healing work you\'ve done is amazing and inspiring.
Your heart-share is appreciated.
xx
I hear you too :)
Sickness wasn\'t allowed in my childhood either. As an adult being sick scares me. It\'s only recently I\'ve learnt to allow myself to be sick and stop trying to be super woman. I think I learn a lot from the 5 year old I teach. I see how they take care of themselves :)) Depression was my enemy for a good ten years. My counsellor gave me an article to read that changed everything I ever felt about depression. The article asked the reader to list all the positives about their period of depression. That made me angry at first! How could depression have brought me anything positive? It had engulfed me, taken me into an endless black hole, it was black and frightening.
It took me a while to see it differently. Eventually I could say: depression stopped me in my tracks, it made me listen, it taught me to stop ignoring the signs that I was unhappy and had no healthy daily routines, it made me rest (something I never did), it made me change my life...even though I had to endure over 6 months of the darkest depression that felt like I was being sucked up.
The last 2 years have been terrifying for me job wise but you and Rich have kept me on track...trusting the universe will look after me. I love you so much Vicki!!! You are amazing and I know the universe will look after you!! Keep the faith and the strength! Xxx
Perhaps it is happening for you now so you can let that fear of shame go as just so much \"bullshit\" about being tasked to do the impossible, as child. Maybe it\'s time to let sicknesses be what they are, just energy passing through in time. Don\'t resist them, let them pass through you as an awareness of something different and not really important; unless you focus on your anger that you\'ve never let go. Letting go of past fears about yourself may be the lesson. IDK, but your consciousness does.
Hugs and healing kisses being sent your way!!!
Rich: I don\'t resist ANYTHING! That has been my shift this past year...remembering the innocence of myself and embracing ALL my feelings; including anger if it appears. As far as letting the sickness be...I said that\'s what I am doing ... It is here for me. That being said, as I said. my desire is to trust as there are times when I don\'t; especially when I went into a-fib and had to be taken to the hospital immediately! I felt petrified! My process may be slow, but I feel I am as conscious as I can be at this moment! Thank you for the and !
Rosie: I love you so much too! My prayer is to trust ALL is in Divine Order! xx
SuzA66: Thank you so much for your support and kindness! We must keep on keeping on...right? Much love to you as you continue to heal! xx
Well, I don\'t recall you mentioning you went into \"a-fib\"; of course that\'s different than, \"I have been horribly sick for over and month now (even hospitalized) and the \"unknown\" has been and still is very scary for me\"; and scary!
I hope you find out what it is and can do something about it soon.
Get well. X\'s & O\'s
Hospitalized and fear of the unknown is really no different that mentioning I went into a-fib. I also have pneumonia and other things. What I was saying was \"I was scared and still feel somewhat scared.\" I will embrace my fears and tell my little girl it is ok to be just where she is; it is ok to be sick and there is NO shame in it! It\'s certainly another awakening! xx