Trust. So hard to get back....
This sunday marks a one month mark of you being 'sober'. I'm so happy and proud of you. I hear my son in your voice, finally.
Sadly, in the back of my mind, I KNOW there are drugs in the rehab, there are users that are 'hiding' it from the professionals and knowing how slick you are, I wonder if you're one of 'them'. It just shows me that my mis-trust is still there. Trust is SO hard to get back. Does it EVER come back? My past history with broken trust has shown me it doesn't.
I WANT to trust you, trust that you ARE sober one month, that you DO want to get better, but that nag in my head says that knowing you in the past 5 years, you'll do ANYTHING to get what you want. And Heroin has been the ONLY thing you've wanted in this time. Are you 'pretending' to be honest with the rehab? Are you taking it seriously? Did your death and coming back change your wiring? Are you back to YOU?
So many questions, questions regarding trust in you.
I love you, so very much. But sometimes, in our calls, I hear the sick you conversations, but then a switch flicks and I hear you again. Is it my mind protecting my heart? Or is it reality showing through? Or is it I'm just paranoid?
Time will tell. 3 more months, then another 2 months for PTSD.
You're SO lucky to have the benefits you have, while others are struggling because they can't find a bed, and they WANT to get sober. You have it ALL at the tip of your fingers.
But how do I handle this? I will be patient, time will tell, I will love you, support you and pray the whole time. I will look forward to you coming here for a visit, THEN I will be able to tell my heart the truth, be it good or bad (I'm voting for good).
In the meantime, the past is the past, I wished that in your OD, those past memories would be erased, you've seen some awful things, done some awful things I'm sure, I just wished you could forget and move forward. But I guess in the past memories, that is what will drive you to be better, to live better, to live sober? I'm hoping.
Sadly, in the back of my mind, I KNOW there are drugs in the rehab, there are users that are 'hiding' it from the professionals and knowing how slick you are, I wonder if you're one of 'them'. It just shows me that my mis-trust is still there. Trust is SO hard to get back. Does it EVER come back? My past history with broken trust has shown me it doesn't.
I WANT to trust you, trust that you ARE sober one month, that you DO want to get better, but that nag in my head says that knowing you in the past 5 years, you'll do ANYTHING to get what you want. And Heroin has been the ONLY thing you've wanted in this time. Are you 'pretending' to be honest with the rehab? Are you taking it seriously? Did your death and coming back change your wiring? Are you back to YOU?
So many questions, questions regarding trust in you.
I love you, so very much. But sometimes, in our calls, I hear the sick you conversations, but then a switch flicks and I hear you again. Is it my mind protecting my heart? Or is it reality showing through? Or is it I'm just paranoid?
Time will tell. 3 more months, then another 2 months for PTSD.
You're SO lucky to have the benefits you have, while others are struggling because they can't find a bed, and they WANT to get sober. You have it ALL at the tip of your fingers.
But how do I handle this? I will be patient, time will tell, I will love you, support you and pray the whole time. I will look forward to you coming here for a visit, THEN I will be able to tell my heart the truth, be it good or bad (I'm voting for good).
In the meantime, the past is the past, I wished that in your OD, those past memories would be erased, you've seen some awful things, done some awful things I'm sure, I just wished you could forget and move forward. But I guess in the past memories, that is what will drive you to be better, to live better, to live sober? I'm hoping.
Replies