"TRUST ME...."
Well, my summer schedule has already started and it's INSANE, so my posts are going to probably be reduced to once a week, though I do try to read everyone else's every day even if I don't get a chance to reply and want to let you all know that I'm still here to support if you need to talk to me about something....
What's been going on? Well, since I started going back to church, I keep "hearing" the words "TRUST ME" in my head, but back to that in a minute...
I went to Celebrate Recovery last Friday and it doesn't feel right. That's not to complain about it, because I'm sure it's helpful for others, but for me, it's not. The reason I started going was to find a "community" that understood my past, would give me support to work through it in that there would be others who've gone through what I have and are working through it themselves. But there isn't. I, once again, was alone in my experiences. And the problem I have with this group, is that they focus more on being powerless than they do focusing on becoming powerful through God, I know it's not their intention, but that's exactly what is happening. And why it's happening is my biggest issue - the issue of "cross talk". We went in, stated what was standing out in our lives... and then silence. No input from others to help you see things better, no support. To me, it felt like everyone was withholding the messages God had given each of us to help each other through.... and it made me feel MORE alone...
And so, yesterday, I came to the decision that I am not going to go back. I made some new friends, but knowing myself and how powerful/strong I've become in the past year, I KNOW I'll just bowl them all over with it even if I don't intend to, even if THEY aren't ready for it... so it's best I step away.... I'm still going to go to church, just not the group....
Ok, so now back to the "TRUST ME".... One positive thing that did come out of the Celebrate meeting was that I verbalized my FEAR. The thing that is preventing me from just doing what I'm meant to do in my future... Like Pastor Warren said on Oprah, I'm in "survival" mode... I'm not only 1 paycheck away from a crash, but next year, that crash is going to come even if I continue working at my present job because it doesn't pay enough to cover basics. And yet, that FEAR keeps getting in the way from moving forward. And I don't even know what I fear? Being destitute? Been there before... maybe it's the FEAR of my own power? As I dig deep into that fear and try to figure it out, I see that it's just all empty... there's really nothing there to fear... "trust me...." whispers over and over...
AND THEN... I've been reading... nothing spiritual, just books like the Lord of The Ring. And in it, I keep "seeing" this message... the message that the future will come no matter what we decide and it's all about how we face it, deal with it, grow from it... and then I started watching TV shows like "Vikings" and "The Bible" on the History Channel... obviously NOT fact based with all the embellishments they added, but still, that message keeps coming so softly at first but minute by minute growing... and THEN, as I watched the story of Noah and watched the story of Abraham, and watched the story of the Exodus, and the whispered "TRUST Me" began to grow bigger and bigger...
AND THEN yesterday, as I decided that Celebrate Recovery was not for me... a person I hadn't seen in TWO years came into my office and as we got caught up on life, SHE told me that SHE went through what I went through as a child.... SHE told me about the past traumas she's struggling with... and I KNEW. I KNEW this was God telling me again that I'm not alone and to TRUST HIM...
And my fear immediately began to fade... because I KNEW that this lesson right now is about learning to TRUST even when my faith is so little... And so, this week, I begin the preparations of taking a leap of FAITH and begin moving forward into a new life, new career... TRUSTING that God will provide as He always has....
LATER!
What's been going on? Well, since I started going back to church, I keep "hearing" the words "TRUST ME" in my head, but back to that in a minute...
I went to Celebrate Recovery last Friday and it doesn't feel right. That's not to complain about it, because I'm sure it's helpful for others, but for me, it's not. The reason I started going was to find a "community" that understood my past, would give me support to work through it in that there would be others who've gone through what I have and are working through it themselves. But there isn't. I, once again, was alone in my experiences. And the problem I have with this group, is that they focus more on being powerless than they do focusing on becoming powerful through God, I know it's not their intention, but that's exactly what is happening. And why it's happening is my biggest issue - the issue of "cross talk". We went in, stated what was standing out in our lives... and then silence. No input from others to help you see things better, no support. To me, it felt like everyone was withholding the messages God had given each of us to help each other through.... and it made me feel MORE alone...
And so, yesterday, I came to the decision that I am not going to go back. I made some new friends, but knowing myself and how powerful/strong I've become in the past year, I KNOW I'll just bowl them all over with it even if I don't intend to, even if THEY aren't ready for it... so it's best I step away.... I'm still going to go to church, just not the group....
Ok, so now back to the "TRUST ME".... One positive thing that did come out of the Celebrate meeting was that I verbalized my FEAR. The thing that is preventing me from just doing what I'm meant to do in my future... Like Pastor Warren said on Oprah, I'm in "survival" mode... I'm not only 1 paycheck away from a crash, but next year, that crash is going to come even if I continue working at my present job because it doesn't pay enough to cover basics. And yet, that FEAR keeps getting in the way from moving forward. And I don't even know what I fear? Being destitute? Been there before... maybe it's the FEAR of my own power? As I dig deep into that fear and try to figure it out, I see that it's just all empty... there's really nothing there to fear... "trust me...." whispers over and over...
AND THEN... I've been reading... nothing spiritual, just books like the Lord of The Ring. And in it, I keep "seeing" this message... the message that the future will come no matter what we decide and it's all about how we face it, deal with it, grow from it... and then I started watching TV shows like "Vikings" and "The Bible" on the History Channel... obviously NOT fact based with all the embellishments they added, but still, that message keeps coming so softly at first but minute by minute growing... and THEN, as I watched the story of Noah and watched the story of Abraham, and watched the story of the Exodus, and the whispered "TRUST Me" began to grow bigger and bigger...
AND THEN yesterday, as I decided that Celebrate Recovery was not for me... a person I hadn't seen in TWO years came into my office and as we got caught up on life, SHE told me that SHE went through what I went through as a child.... SHE told me about the past traumas she's struggling with... and I KNEW. I KNEW this was God telling me again that I'm not alone and to TRUST HIM...
And my fear immediately began to fade... because I KNEW that this lesson right now is about learning to TRUST even when my faith is so little... And so, this week, I begin the preparations of taking a leap of FAITH and begin moving forward into a new life, new career... TRUSTING that God will provide as He always has....
LATER!
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