Trust

Sometimes you can trust the most trustworthy folks in your life to be malicious fuck ups. Yourself included. Every life has points of repressed confusion that defy honest sensibilities. Points where we are lying to ourselves and can be counted on to screw up and decieve the world around us. The meanest lies in the world are the lies we tell ourselves. How can I be honest with the world when I am believing lies I have told myself in order to get past a horribly confusing emotional snot knot?

I believe I am in such a position now with Hubs in regards to developing this inherited property. The biggest reason I am still piddling around this place instead of resuming my work on the river dreams is because Hubs isnae ready to let me go and I crave his blessing before I leave. Talk of developing this property has been his bait and I amnae trusting the bait. It feels like the family business as usual. A silver platter offering which can be accepted in the spirit of executive dictates. "I say. You do and live with my consequenses on my terms."

Of course I am paraphrasing wildly. The dialogues from which I derive the synopsis is long, winding and incomplete. 38 years of dialogue between Hubs, the mysterious in-laws and myself. 60 years of conditioning/dialogue I amnae privy to for Hubs. How many lies have I told myself in the course of navigating those murky waters?

The sweltering heat of Texas summer is nearly here. Yesterday's humid, near 90 degree temperatures permeated this 1920's building design like a convection oven. Temperatures dropped far enough to allow for decent sleep last night, but the humidity and reminder of the cruel temps to come still linger with the humid promise of rain this morning. To my senses, the humidity is preferable to the dry prairie dust which is likely to accompany the full summer swelter. The folks who talk of defending Old Texas frequently say that the quickest way to get the Boom Population out of Texas would be to outlaw air conditioning. I s'pose I should put that phrase in the past tense. Old Texas is long gone and even if all the tourists went home, they would leave their asphalt and little malls on the prairie behind. Even here on this 140 acre spread, I feel future city far more than ranches and farms. Don't let the cattle grazing in the rented pasture land fool ya. Fort Worth has arrived via the Chisolm Trail Parkway. I've wondered more than once what old Jesse Chisolm would have to say about the superhighway named in his honor. A toll road, no less. . . Stoke up the campfire, pass the flask and tell us about them pirates who charge a fee for driving cattle through their holdings, Jesse. I wonder if we can stoke up that campfire at McDonald's? If ol' Jesse is interested, I'll tell him the tale of how even this heat-loving descendant came to be as reliant on air conditioning as the iciest of the Snow Country gentry. Air conditioning was still unheard of when this house was built in the 1920's. It's overall condition today makes it a dubious investment to upgrade for CACH. It was a modest building to begin with, even by 1920's standards. I doubt the bubbaneered electrical wiring in this place was part of the original design.

I donae believe I can accurately summarize Hubs's view of the property. I feel compelled to do so because I am being asked to play a part in its development, but amnae trusting the part I am being offered. I am even less trusting of the part his brother's branch of the family tree will play as barely interested co-owners. I believe all that lives beyond my personal frontiers. The accurate information isnae available to this piece of White Trash. I havenae even learned how to ask the questions, much less understand the answers. I can only trust my instincts and *they* tell me that job I am being offered is more time on The Someday Shelf. Hubs needs to remain in control of the show and isnae any more clear on what he is asking of me than I am on the mysteries of his family business as usual. The work on making ^it^ safe to talk about, but we all have very different conditionings and perspectives on the situation.

Still sorting. . . For today, the air temps willnae reach the 80's. The rain chances look like what I call 100% chance of tease. Those of us who do get rain willnae get enough. GD and I are enjoying a mellow start to the cool, overcast day. Think I'll go play in the garden. We see what grows.