Trouble ahead

My husband just informed me he was going out of town the first of October with my son and leaving me home alone.  This has always been a HUGE gambling trigger for me.  The thing is I'm not sure why.  I think deep down it makes me feel abandoned, lonely.  It feels hurtfull really deep down.  Ya know what I mean.  Can't really describe why its such a powerful trigger, only know it is.  Am I mad at him for leaving me alone, so I gamble to get back at him?  Or does it go deeper then that.  Or is it all of that and more.  How can you fight something when you don't even know what it is your fighting against?  I'm scared of being alone with myself.  I'm afraid of my own mind and my dark thoughts, my fears, bad memories.  All surface when I'm alone.  Surface all the time anyway but especially when all alone.  Can't deal with it. Can't even be alone with myself.  So close to beating this but seriously think I won't make it while he's gone.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I agree with Mike, you are so not alone! Ya know, I had to figure out that I could be in a room full of people and still feel lonely and alone. Those are 2 emotions that are really dangerous for me, and I\'m sure anyone here that has any GF time at all will tell you the same thing. It has been the topic of many journals, many phone calls, many meetings. We all have to be alone at some point and time, but even then, we aren\'t really alone.....I always found solice in coming here, reading and rereading journals, calling and talking to others that were in the same position that I was in, and I could always find a meeting online to go to, as I wasn\'t much on attending the GA meetings that were offered scarcely in my area. Once I learned to accept myself for who I really am, and accept that I have many things in my life to fulfill, I began to see a whole new world open up right before my eyes. I began to love and nuture myself, like I seemed to have \'forgotten\' to do when I was active in the addiction. The things that I had let go by the wayside, my health, my self esteem, my self confidence, my housekeeping had gone to hell in a hand basket, cause I thought I didn\'t really care anymore.....well, turns out I did care, deep down, but the addiction demons didn\'t give me time to do anything about it......but it\'s MY life now, not theirs.
This trip is 30 days away, and just like Mike said, you will have 30 more days of GF time, 30 more days of strength...don\'t waste your time and energy focusing on the tomorrows that are 30 days away. Focus on the here and now, and getting thru just for today...when today is done, focus on the next day, which will then be the here and now.
Looking back on the first time I was all by myself, after getting into recovery, I found it very theraputic to physically clean out a couple of closets...I guess it was kind of symbolic in a way...number one, it kept me busy and my mind occupied, number 2: by the time I got it done, I found that I kind of enjoyed the time by myself to get things done without interruption. I do believe I managed to get a room repainted as well. For me, it was all about keeping my mind occupied, my hands busy and my hiney as far away from the casino as possible. By cleaning out those closets and purging the things that needed to go, it was like purging things from within myself, and I felt good cause those closets that had been used as catch alls, had been cleaned, straightened and organized.
You have alot more strength than you are giving yourself credit for!
ONe day at a time, 30 minutes at a time, 5 minutes at a time....whatever it takes to get thru just TODAY! Just one day is all that matters and that day is today.
Today we didn\'t gamble, so that really makes us winners!
lynnkmiddle
lynnkmiddle

Thank you both, your right about the loneliness and boredom being a common problem in recovery. Sometimes I wonder why I forget these things, they are so basic and I know better. I had also forgotten that the 20 some days ahead will help add to my resolve. I know I will be busy the next three weeks, guess thats why I\'m not worried about them. We don\'t have any GA meetings here, the nearest is 2 hours away. I\'ve been to therapists before and they did help, money is pretty tight now (one reason I\'ve actually had success in not gambling in the past month.) I\'ve got another six weeks before my right arm is better. I really hate bitching about pain but this is actually wearing on me mentally and physically and I do consider myself a strong person, but here to tell you as a wounded healer that constant pain is an additional hurdle. My father used to say that the first 100 years of life are the hardest. I miss him alot. This group and all of you have actually helped me immensely. I really had my doubts that online support works but you people have made a believer out of me. Thankx again. Makmarie- I\'m so sorry about your dog, I\'ve lost a couple over the years, I still miss them and probably always will. I send peace and love to your heart.