Trip Pictures And Worry Box

When she came to get me she saw me talking to the other people out there waiting too and said I should start my own pre-therapy session.  I said we introduced ourselves and of course, she knows I’ve been talking to the guy for a while now.  I brought in my trip pictures today.  I told her we’ll look at them very speedy because there are so many of them and I wanted to keep them in order.  She said I do take a lot of pictures and asked what I do with them all.  I put them in albums.  You do?  Yes, and I write on the backs of all of them.  She asked me if my husband takes any – very few.  First I showed her a picture of my cousin who’s a therapist, too.  She doesn’t know her.  Her husband is one too (he does high profile sports figures) but they are going through hard times together.  She asked how I know. My other cousin told me.  She was with her 4 friends and I pointed to one that was also friends with that kooky old friend of mine – small world.  Then I showed her the old pictures I bought out to show my family when I was out there.  She saw the peace sign on my shirt and said it’s like my son.  I’m not sure about looks – maybe just the shirt.  She saw me and my Mom and looked longer and said, “Awe” about my Mom.  I said how there are a lot of sisters of my Mom’s and older pictures of family I just saw.  And the one cousin who’s as butch as could be and she said she is masculine looking.  I forgot to point out the bellies in the females of my Mom’s family – even my aunt who is thin and had no kids – that’s why I freak out about me.  She just listened.    Then we went through all the trip pictures and lastly the pictures from this past weekend Halloween and my granddaughters birthday.  I wanted to show her on that one how sensitive and good with babies my grandson is and I think that’s good for him for the future.  And, I don’t know what happened last night in therapy with my daughter and her boyfriend but you could cut the tension with a knife.  She can’t say anything.  I know that but I just wanted to say I noticed it.  After the pictures I told her I wanted to do the worry box to put closure on the trip.  I didn’t want to do it last times because I was afraid I’d not tell her the truths on things.  I would say nothing happened and I was perfectly fine.  She commented that that wasn’t how it was.  Right, it wasn’t.  So she said to make it very neutral, like curious – not to make a big deal about it – because I was still not wanting to be honest.  OK, I’ll try.  I wanted to put them in the no pile or maybe make a middle pile but we decided against that because I said I would want to put them all there and that wouldn’t be right.  I didn’t tell her details on anything that happened.  I just couldn’t.  I didn’t say but I want so much to erase everything from my mind.  But this is what I did say.  Things did happen but I was very lucky to hide them and such.  I didn’t drink enough – especially the first few days.  I wouldn’t let my extra clothes out of my sight – even on one of the pictures I commented that we know what’s inside my purse and she said yes, but no one else does.  She added just like no one knows what’s inside my son’s house.  She was very interested in looking at those pictures.    At the end of them all I told her that all the practicing and exposures were great because I knew what to do.  She was glad they were helpful.  Probably every situation happened.  I thanked her for doing them with me because I wouldn’t do them by myself and never would do them with anyone else.  She said I did things myself like getting the bike shorts and special pants.  I said how hard they were and I need a break now – a long break.  I’ll do them again sometime but not for a while.  She agreed and said there are other things to work on.  Yes.  We counted the cards.  21 no’s that didn’t happen as worries and 19 yes’s that did.  That’s good.  I commented how most of the yeses are about she knows what (my problem).  I did have an accident(s) in front of my son but he didn’t know or he was sleeping or half asleep.  Others didn’t know either – I was lucky.  Yes, I wet my bed but no one found out.  She asked me if I used Big Bertha.  Yes – 2 times.  I did get into my shame/angry mode and hard to get out of.  I didn’t get into the denial because I had my extra clothes with me.  Yes, I went preventatively a lot and my son did say something.  She asked what.  Like he hasn’t gone once and I’ve gone a lot – maybe 4 times.  I worried what I look like when I have to go badly – yes because I always do.    Needing to go to the bathroom and being afraid to say something – a couple times it happened.  Not bringing enough products thinking I don’t have the problem.  Well … if it was her … no I didn’t bring enough.  She said before how much she’d bring.  Yes, for me, I could have brought more.  We laughed about that.  She even once said about if it was her she’s have the bike shorts, the special pants and such too.  And, the skirt, I reminded her.  Yes.    Not being able to sleep and falling asleep elsewhere.  At the music therapy I did, I started to go to sleep two times.  She was surprised I did.  On one of her messages to me she said it won’t happen – I shouldn’t worry about that.  I told her how when you run around and finally settle down you do get tired and it’s contusive for sleep.  And I didn’t want to go on and tell her more but she encouraged me to.  I told her both times I started going to the bathroom.  I don’t know why.  She said loosing control like not paying attention.  I thought I was.  She asked me if it was for an hour.  No, half hour but the bathrooms were outside across the way.  She asked me what I would do differently.  I said if it was an hour I have to wear one of the products.  Right, but we didn’t say what.  Thank goodness I didn’t have to tell her details on all of these.  I just want to forget it all!  No, I didn’t drink enough.  Traffic jams and bathrooms too far away I just said yes to.  My husband was not very nice about it.  My aunt was not nice and I almost cried.  She reminded me about how the caregiver was really nice and with me on things.  Yes.  My son I didn’t cry when he got me upset but I was more mad.  My husband did not protect me and I hated that.  With my son turning 25 she said that’s my Dad’s thing he told me because I told her that’s an ongoing worry.  But maybe the superstition has been broken because nothing happened to my cousins.  Yes, my son and husband have a way of putting me down and I’m fine on the outside but not on the inside.  Saying good-bye to my Aunt was bad and much worse saying goodbye to my son.  These were all my yeses to the worries.    Now the no’s.  I did not wet my bed the night before we left.  I didn’t worry about my problem not to have fun on the trip.  I worried but I didn’t let it prevent me from having fun.  I didn’t deny the problem because I brought my extra clothes with me everywhere.  I did always have them with me.  I didn’t have to wait in any lines to the bathrooms.  No one saw my wet clothes or protections with the exception of my husband and we can’t count him.  I had enough clothes – almost ran out of underwear.    I didn’t feel the shame for who I am.  My cousins liked me.  No one got sick, ate anything bad or got hurt.  No plane crashes but a little bit of turbulence.  But, I really do like to fly.  They kept the seat belt sign on too long and I was lucky because I tried to time it just right and went before that.  But what if I needed to go when the seatbelt light was on?  She said I would just have to go anyway.  Yes, but the pilot going home said when he has the seatbelt light on he really means it – don’t go.  She said when you have to you have to.  Right.  No car accidents, no earthquakes.  My sons dogs were fine although one did scratch me on the back.  My aunt and my son love me and my grandson would know that nothing bad happened at our house (floods, fires, break-in).  No one needed me here while I was out there.  I don’t know if anyone snooped and found things so she said to put it at a no.  And yes I have a lot to do now that I’m back but that’s just part of it so I said no.    She asked me what I wanted to do with the cards.  Take them home.  How about the box and the lady on the shelf?  I said I’ll take the box home and she said I can always bring it back.  I said to move the lady back because those other guys on that other shelf miss her.  She said how great it is that I’m going on these trips and expanding myself out.  Yeah.  During the cards I did need to go to the bathroom.  I told her and she just said OK.  But I went on to say that I was going to go because I’m really out of practice.  So I did and came right back and we continued on with the cards.  She forgot to collect on Monday so I wrote her a check.  I asked if she re-newed me and she said yes and they OK’d 20 more but didn’t say how many were left for the end of the year.  I think it’s more than they told me the last time but I guess we’ll figure it out later.    I asked her when the 8th was.  Sunday.  That’s when my brother was born.  She asked me if I think about it every year.  Yes.  I wanted brothers and sisters so bad and wonder what it would be like or maybe I wouldn’t have even been born and we both added because maybe my Mom wouldn’t have been able to handle more.  She asked what year he was born – same as my husband.  And she’s having a birthday soon.  Yes.  I told her my mammogram/ultrasound went fine (thank goodness) but they scared me because they called me back in for more mammogram.  She was just checking because the cysts were there before and are gone now.  That’s great she told me.  Yes.  She asked me if I’m getting a massage when I was walking out.  Yes.    A massage?  Well, yes but almost not.  My massage therapist was into this transformational breathing thing with Judy Kravitz.  She did it for 10 minutes with another client of hers today and I think she wanted to do it with me, too but changed it because I think she felt like we didn’t have enough time.  Next time we might.  She let me listen to the instructional tape while giving me the regular back massage.  It’s a healing thing and getting previous traumas out of your head.  Here’s what she wants to do.  She wants me to lay on the bed and she’ll do it with me while she lays on the floor on a mat.  It sounds like 45 minutes to an hour is optimal but I don’t think she’ll do that with me.  She said to not be alarmed by the way I’ll feel.  I’ll get lightheaded and my fingers may tingle.  But I’ll be safe because I won’t have a heart attack or I won’t fall off the bed.  I wanted to say, “Yeah, I might not fall off but I might wet it!”  No way could I say that!  Going longer you might cry because things come out.  It’s supposed to be very therapeutic and it sounded like she really wanted to do more even though she just did 10 minutes with someone earlier.    I just wanted to scream.  I wanted to cry.  I want to do that.  I want to experience things and let all the tensions and worries out like she says.  But I don’t want to pee all over.  I started to 2 times when we did that music therapy with my son.  I wanted to run into my therapist and say, “Help, what do I do?”  But I kept very calm and just listen to her talk about it.  And she talked a while.  She said on a longer one you need someone with you to guide you in case something happens.  I did say about crying because once on a regular massage she told me her husband did.  She said yes, you might cry and that’s OK.  I wanted to ask her what if you have to go to the bathroom.  But I couldn’t.  I just couldn’t.  I just listened and acted interested if that’s what she wanted to do.  No indication to her of what I was feeling on the inside.  My therapist wants me to tell her about my problem but I can’t.  Once, when I first started going to the massage therapist, she wanted to call her in at the end of our session and tell her.  No!  I don’t think she’ll like me.  I don’t think she’ll try new and different things with me and once the cat’s out of the bag it’s out forever.  It sounded at first like we were going to do it today and I hope I would have had the nerve to tell her I’m going to the bathroom first.  But, just for 10 minutes – she’d think I’m crazy.    So, now I’m not sure what to do.  I can’t let myself worry about it all weekend until Monday.  Maybe it was just a ‘fling’ and it’ll pass and she’ll forget about it by the time I come back.  But it would be interesting to do especially if it would work.  I’ll have to talk about it with my therapist on Monday.  I know what she’ll say.  Go to the bathroom half way.  But that means telling her (I did have to tell the other therapist once because she did 45 minutes with me) in which I don’t want to do and I think it’ll interrupt the whole thing to get up to go.  And, not for 10 minutes!  But I can pee at any second.  I want to do things like normal people can do.  See how this problem gets in the way!  I hate it and wish it would just go – just go far, far away forever!    OK … now in thinking about it.  I know I said I was done with those practicing for a long time and she said how I definitely deserve the well deserved break.  She said I worked so hard on them and yes, I did.  As much as I hate to but maybe I can practice with just one of those thicker pads – not Big Bertha – with her on Monday before the massage therapist.  I can put it on and lay down, on my back which is totally different than when I sleep on my tummy – and see if it works.  I can’t do this by myself – I don’t even want to think about it.  But I can do it with her.  If I can do all those other “accidents” I can do this one.  And then I’ll know.  And then I’ll feel better about doing this if it works and can relax through it and not worry through the whole thing like I would.  Then I wouldn’t get the benefits of it all.  Just when you think you’re done with it all … here we go again.  What can I say?  The story of my life?  Sometimes.