Trigger warning

 
-TRIGGER WARNING- Explicit and adult content. Drugs. Rape. Please be warned it may be very upsetting. I am so sorry we all have to go through this.



I am posting this first as a journal entry because I'm not sure where I want to post it next. I want to edit and show it to a couple of friends, but first I want to be sure I'm ready to do so.

My last therapy session was on the 15th of April. It has taken me six years and a little under a dozen therapy sessions of reconstructing my memories ad nauseam to get where I am right now. I have spent the last six years trying to be as normal as possible. Keep living life and moving on. But I can’t anymore. It is time I talk it out.
New Years of 2009 I was invited out to a club by two of my neighbours. One was the older sister of a friend of my brothers, and the other was her girlfriend, Laura. In celebrating New Years, they invited me out to a Goth club in the city, where the couple proceeded to get me drunk, drug me, and take me back to their home where Laura raped me.
I had no idea at the time that they had slipped a drug into my drink.
I had repressed most of my memory of the night, but after discussing the occurrence ad nauseum with my therapist, many of these memories have resurfaced. I had been in denial for a very long time, but I am ready now to admit the truth that Laura drugged me and while I was incapable of saying no, she took advantage of me.

I don't do drugs. This was a whole other level of intoxication.
I believe I have truly learned about people and the darker side of life since then.
The small few who I have gathered around me now and have been so kind as to respect my privacy that (to my knowledge) this incident has never been talked about outside of the small circle. I know it is very difficult for those around me but what I, and many other people, are going through is very hard and is an extremely sensitive subject.
I had known Laura for a couple of years beforehand. We met through my brother’s connection with his friend, and both she and her girlfriend remained little more than acquaintances with me over the next few years. There were very few times where I actually hung out with either of them on a casual basis. Even then, my brother and/or his friend were always present.
I’ve never asked Laura if she had put something in my drink. I’ve never asked her if she had put something in her drink and I could have accidentally had some. I never thought to ask. Because she was a close acquaintance, I did not consider that I had been in denial that someone I knew, and trusted could manipulate me in some way.
I convinced myself that I was the disgusting one. That I should have known better with hindsight. She made me feel disgusting, and used, and her manipulation made me feel stupid. I've realized now that she put a teenaged girl in a position where she was unable to consent. But I didn't know that back then. I figured I was just a naive little girl who didn't know any better.
Everyone found a way to move on - or so it appeared. 
Laura and I stayed acquaintances, but what happened was never brought up again and we were far more distant. 
When I first managed to open up to my therapist and he asked me to describe what little detail I was able to remember at the time, I felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest and I had stopped breathing. The denial was broken. After I returned to a physically functional state with a great deal of help from him, I began what was to be a tumultuous, emotional and extremely painful journey back to being a person. 
I think everyone that I have grown close to in my life since has given me a reason to heal and find new happiness. I am grateful to all of you. 
There are many details that I will not go in to or talk about here. Things that would give you nightmares similar to the ones I've had for years. But I have found it positively necessary to publicly add my name to the growing list of women coming forward about being involuntarily drugged as well as sexually assaulted and raped in the hopes of encouraging more to step forward.
I know it is terrifying. I know how you are feeling. Many of us are too afraid to speak up because it's a shameful burden we have carried, some of us for years.
I hope you can draw strength from everyone that has said something so far to know now that we aren't crazy, we aren't making stuff up and most importantly we AREN'T ALONE. We can survive this and we can make a difference. Not just for us to heal but also for the ones who are still too afraid to say something.
Please, please say something.
There are many reasons this may be the first time you have heard or read anything about this subject. Most of my friends and family have no idea that this happened to me. My own mother didn't even know anything about it until late February this year.
I was deeply humiliated and emotionally wounded for a long time. I couldn't accept that someone I trusted could have ever hurt me the way Laura had.
It pains me deeply to think of the anger and heartache that will come from all of this. For everyone. I am truly the most sorry to all of my best friends that they are only now learning of this difficult truth. I am so, so sorry! I had no idea how to cope with it myself up until I began therapy ten weeks ago.
I was drugged, manipulated and abused by someone I trusted. And I never, NEVER EVER wish it upon anyone else. I wish none of us were here, I wish none of us had to do this. However many have come forward and others are waiting to do so. I wanted to show them it’s ok to be brave. This is about standing together, acceptance and about bringing attention to a very, very serious issue.
I have very intentionally left out major details and evidence which I’m sure will come out, but not on DS. DS isn’t a courtroom, but it is a platform for spreading the word about serious issues and connecting with people and friends. These are absolutely serious issues and I wanted to stand together with the other victims, so I felt DS was a good tool for this.
A lot of cynics might say that people write posts like this for attention, but 74% of sexual assaults are not reported to the Police and approximately 4/5 assaults are committed by someone known to the victim. So yes, we DO need to draw attention to this subject. But make no mistake, nobody wants to be famous for it.
My story is not just for victims. My story is for anyone who has ever been assaulted, sexually, physically or otherwise and also for the people who will go through something similar in their lifetime.
I want you to know that you not only CAN be brave and speak up but you are absolutely needed to. For yourself and for potential future victims. And I want you to know with all of my heart that you are not alone.