Trigger.

I'm out of my fucking mind. I am absolutely fucknig crazy. I was looking forward to this girls day out Saturday but everyone cancelled and it PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH!! I don't even know why, but it INFURIATES me that they cancelled! One girl cancelled, and then the other one did right after, claiming she had something to do but clearly she just didn't want to hang if the other girl wasn't there. I have eaten 100 calories today and burned off 200. I am manic. I was holding on to the wall and slipped into this state wherei couldnt move and i was so afraid and but i couldn't do anything i was paralyzed. Things were swimming in my head but i couldnt make anything out and iwas so dizzy i thought i was dying. I don't ever want to eat again. Starving is so wonderful right now. it's like im a drug addict who said "just one more hit" and now one skipped meal later i am on the train to nowhereville fast. I'm so crazy. my mind is nver quiet and i cant focus and theres so many thnigs in my head. I want to be so thin and im literally shaknig saying that i am crazy i want to be thin thin thin. I sound crazy i am consciosu of that but at the same time not. there is a record player in my head on repeat saying "failure. worthless. thin." over and over and over. I want to do work forever and never stop and justfocus on that. and then i want to get a good part in the play for once!!! I practice so hard!!! I wish i had a scale. I think I may have lost weight. i dont look it but people say it and the wii said i lost weight. i really want to buy a scfale.. my mind feels so weird. and my heart is beating so strangely whenver i move at all. i cant really do anything physical or else i feel like i cant brathe anymore but i walked today with music which calmed down until i felt sick so i stopped. i hoep you're all okay!!!!