Tried to save it.

Well just thought I would update my journal been a couple months since my last entry usually I write one every week, but lately I have just been going through such a tough time. I would like to just express the way I feel through this journal. I will start off my saying if you don't know my situation with my ex I will briefly explain a little. Back in March of 2010 I got a restraining order placed on me on my girlfriend and her family. The reason why I got it was because I was mutually being as disrespectful to her dad & mom as they were to me then I just hit a boiling point and said some pretty nasty things to them in a letter which resulted in them getting an order on me because of "emotional abuse" so I went to court and fought it a little bit won the first time then I had to come back for a second hearing with a judge, and for that I didn't show up because I had a track meet so i took that priority over going to court and if I had a second chance to relive that day I still would've went to my meet instead of the court hearing because clearly I shouldn't be there and I have responsibilities as an athlete and team mate to my friends over a family who pretty much hates me so you do the math. I made my choice and I have to live with it, I'm glad I went to the meet it's my passion and I wouldn't let it ruin what I had going getting a scholarship which is what they wanted. I swear these are the most evil group of people I have ever met so crazy. So when I didn't show up I was automatically ruled "Guilty" and you could only imagine the happiness the family felt knowing they put a restraining order placed on me so since then I have been living with this on me it's tough to get jobs not like it is already and just to be myself knowing my friends know about it the whole school pretty much did our relationship lasted longer than any ones in high school everyone thought we would make it clearly they didn't see how horrible my situation was. I had to battle fighting her parents and trying to make her understand that I love her and would want to say sorry to her family, and make things right again. They never even gave us a fair shot from the beginning because they found out about the person I was before I met her a person who I am not even happy with, but for them to judge me on my past was clearly a wrong thing to do I met their daughter and she changed my whole life. Made me become a stronger person inside & out. Well even with a restraining order in place we still saw each other, and loved each other so secretly an it was so unhealthy I didn't want it to be like that. So now ever since she left for college and I went my separate way for my school we just lost everything. I tried so damn hard to keep what I had together with her, but clearly she saw the unhealthiness before I did and that being long distance like that would be a challenge, but not only did that happen, but she had the nerve to tell me she was hooking up with another guy and that they we're 'hitting it off' were the words she used. I felt so replaced and erased, all within a month of her leaving like I meant absolutely nothing to her and that everything I did served no purpose. So now I am sitting here it's January and I still feel as neglected as I did when she left me in October. Everyone tries to tell me I'll be fine, but what is this bitter feeling in my stomach, the feeling of emptiness and almost a corrupt feeling of embarrassment because now since everyone knows about our situation I get the "Oh Tyler how are you, and Jessie doing" well what do I say she doesn't even want to speak to me or even be my friend anymore because of some new man she is with and stuff. So lame and I just have to sit here and take it all in. Sometimes I sit in my bed and wonder if she ever thinks about me or even wants to talk to me again, but let me reassure you if she did she has it coming her way I will tell her ass off big time for making me feel the way I do. I really kinda hate her now, and I do not appreciate the person she has become. I knew this would happen and I bought an engagement ring not knowing she would just turn it away in the manor she did. Now I am stuck here facing many challenges my biggest yet to try and get this damn order of me because it's ruining my life. I really hope things get better soon because I seriously don't think I can take all this anymore I swear living is something I don't even want to do anymore meanwhile I have taxes due, a job to find, I thought school would carry me along, but ever since I got dismissed from the Football team and Track team because of the order I have lost all motivation for school. I sincerely wish things would just be better everyday is a miserable on and I find myself looking out my window starring at the bad weather I seriously need to pull myself together...