Trial and error..
My apathy has taken a turn for the worse. Late last night, I tried to o/d by taking 15x's the dosage of 'fast acting' insulin. I drank some Jack Daniels laid on the couch and waited; then drifted off still waiting...I woke up sweating profusely & heart pounding but the desired outcome was either being delayed or postponed. I angrily pounded my head with a closed fist and cursed...
I tested my b/s and although low, was not near 'deadly'. Disappointed, I went to sleep. My next attempt - I will up the dosage by at least 20x's & chase my Trazadone meds with jack daniels...I HATE ME SO MUCH!
I tested my b/s and although low, was not near 'deadly'. Disappointed, I went to sleep. My next attempt - I will up the dosage by at least 20x's & chase my Trazadone meds with jack daniels...I HATE ME SO MUCH!
Replies
Oh honey you do not want to do that. I have been where you are and i can say you need to call your dr or suicide hotline there is help and hope out there i am here for you
I sincerely hope there is no second attempt.
I\'m wondering myself with my diagnosis how much (more) of life I have to live and will I in that time or the time that I have (hopefully not cancer involved) make good use of it. People say \"ah... you\'re going to make it\" but that\'s easy for them to say -- harder it is to know.
There is another side to this ugly-beautiful world and I hope you find yourself spending more time in it - reading mushy true chicken soup for the soul stories - true tales of kindness of one person making a difference to another.
For me it is knowing I have a sure way to kill myself if needed that brings me the relief to not have to follow through on it. I can only hope you are able to achieve the same relief and find a way to accept circumstances and adapt to discover a quality life to live. What we do not accept we cannot hope to adapt to and without adapting we do not have the opportunity to discover a viable life to live. The first step to acceptance in crisis is to simply let go of preconceived ideas about what makes for a quality life and begin to allow the reality of life to guide and teach us each step of the way.
If I ever went to kill myself I know I would succeed and that is what allows me to not have to go there - I have the relief of knowing I can end my life whenever I choose and that keeps me hanging on for the moment by moment it takes to accept life and begin to adapt to find a viable life once again.
As long as you remain so focused on killing yourself you will not feel free to accept or adapt to find a viable life. I can only share how thankful I am not to be in such a place of torment any longer where I have peace with just knowing if necessary I can get the job done and that eliminates the need to put it to a test and gives me the comfort and since of relief I need to survive.
I hope for you the same. I am beginning to believe many of us surviving live with the same \'relief\' of knowing if needed we could get the job done and that allows us to survive for yet another day. I hope you are soon able to join us with accepting and adapting to life to the place you may let go and begin to allow life to teach you what you need to know to survive.
Take very good care and allow life to become your teacher by embracing its reality.
There is the option of calling the hotline. I know I would not be able to do that as I could not tolerate being locked up and experience the hell I went through the last time I tried such \'treatment\'. But if you have a chemical imbalance in your brain causing you these thoughts - please know there ARE medications and treatments which can bring relief by regulating these chemicals - Serotonin being one of the main chemicals which can be adjusted. You sure seem to have the real possibility of a chemical imbalance and relief may be finding the best medication to treat the symptoms. I know for me I take Adderall for my CFIDS disability and it is saving my life by allowing me to be less fatigued and have more physical and mental energy.
If a chemical imbalance it most certainly can be treated and the medications are becoming more sophisticated all the time.
Gentle ((hugs)) hoping for the best.
:-) Patricia
Interesting take on the subject 1Pariciann and I quite understand where you\'re coming from. I, too, know that I have a \'way out\' if I absolutely cannot for one more second stand the pain of my loss. But I also have God, whose blessings and grace have poured out on me for the past year in a way I can\'t even describe. This is a lifelong walk, I\'m no \"born again\" freak here. I can\'t quite bring myself to tell Him that no, His grace wasn\'t enough for me. The hotline is a waste of time, I can tell you that since I called it once last summer to ask them what they say to people who are suicidal. It was a joke. Like you, I think Mal might want to investigate a new doctor and new medication. I was thinking of you Mal just last night wondering where you were and hoping you were still with us. Your plan sounds like it could very well end up putting you into a vegetative state, I\'d not choose to overdose on insulin. Don\'t you remember that case so many years ago where the husband tried to kill his rich wife by overdosing her on insulin? She lived in a coma for many years. Think thrice, my friend, and at least see if there\'s a medication that can help you before taking that last step from which you may not die but not return intact. God love you.
jill
Please don\'t try again. You have more to give and are a deserving being. Please get help ((hugs))
mal66 don\'t go doing that.If you are trying to kill yourself,call 911.You can beat anything this life throws at you.Death is not the answer.I know a lot of people that have done it and it still hurts me to think of them.Life will get better,just look at what I\'m dealing with.I love every second and you need help.It would break my heart to loose another friend.You need to go to the hospital right now.Take my word ,there are more people than you think that love you.Get help right now.You are needed by everybody on this sight.Love you and please listen and harm yourself.
Your time is not up yet and just like mine, I am called to be stayed on earth till the time is right. Please do not force it. I offer all my pain and suffering and loneliness to my God. I offer them up for salvation of the world. I need to pray harder for you and I will fast this Friday half day on bread and water only (just for you!)
I sense another attempt coming on..