Trauma Awareness Journaling 1
I am getting ready to find a Trauma Therapist... again. I found one last year when I began to have full on panic attacks again, after being okay since 1997. Something wasn't right about this guy, so after 3-4 sessions I stopped going, trusting my gut on the issue. I checked in with self to be sure I wasn't just running from the work itself & found I was quite willing, & it wasn't me. Thank God & myself for the little recovery I do have in knowing when to listen to that quiet small voice inside which warns us of danger, telling us to change the path. I had been in recovery for alcoholism & addiction for almost 7 yrs at that the point in 1997 when I lost it completely, trashing all I built up in those 7-10 yrs of recovery & did what we call a geographical move to stop the ensuing feeling of disaster. The frightening part is my mind went into complete survival mode producing a new or old personality which took over for approx 6 months. Up to the 1997 episode I had no symptoms since the beginning of recovery in 1989-ish. My survival was that I covered it all up by smoking pot from the age of 13 through till almost 30 yrs old & ran from relationship & living place whenever the threat was perceived to be real. I smoked the pot everyday from 13 to 29 years of age. No exaggeration, everyday. I had P.T.S.D. attacks & panic attacks in beginning of recovery, but was not aware that's what they were. In my first year or 2 of recovery I read the book, "Broken Toys Broken Dreams," by Terry Kellog ?Spelling? It showed me how I had all the symptoms & brought me to a knowing in my mind of what had happened to me, but that's as far as I got on my own with mindful awareness. There was a therapist who diagnosed me with it at that time, but for some reason I was never referred to a 'Trauma Therapist.' I survived from my returning to recovery in 1997 because of a dead friend who came to me in a dream, explaining to me that the truth would set me free, no matter what that truth may be. The past 2 years have been a slow return to the symptoms of panic, P.T.S.D., & inability to sleep nights, depression which can't be called depressed, it's more just a completely numb thing. Some memories are returning, like my mom's boyfriend attempting to rape me after kidnapping me from my friends house, and just a few weird pieces to the puzzle. The bigger picture is still locked away somewhere. But, I seem to have access to it in bits & pieces of random stuff that comes with the waves of emotion, spiritual readings, movies, commercials and just daily life experiences, all are triggering the memories and the panic attacks. Only a few full on P.T.S.D. episodes have happened in the past 2 years. However the anxiety is constantly there & the panic attacks are triggered daily. I was evaluated by a couple of docs working for Social Security in my review process this year, both docs not doing a good job of evaluation. My mistake was, when I saw the shrink I was in a strong denial stage, attempting to keep sane and denying anything really wrong with me. I really lied to my detriment, not that they weren't trying to say I'm well anyways, as that's their job. I minimized everything like I do when trying to keep myself from losing it altogether. I should have been honest with how bad it's been getting, but when I am this vulnerable I do that to survive. A great survival/coping mechanism in the past that is now threatening to keep me from true evaluation and receiving the help I really need. The anniversary of the biggest trauma is 2 weeks away. This is the closest to the raw emotion connected to the shock I have been in decade & a half to the reality of the experiences & my reactions to them. I figured I should just write as much about what I believe to be my situation at present, so as to let you all know who I am. I do this with my other support networks because if I don't let you know the real me then you have little hope of helping me with your experiences. I have been the strong kid, courage under fire, living full on for my family since the trauma happened, until I am so threatened & vulnerable again that I must run somehow, somewhere, or to something. I have created a conscious contact with a power greater than myself through the twelve step programs. This spiritual connection has proven to be my saving Grace throughout the whole experience. But, it cannot save me if I am running scared. I see I am ready for more deep recovery work on the trauma itself now. I pray I don't snap into complete denial or old survival tactics daily. I have found a few new tidbits of info which explain some of my unhealthy behaviors of the past & now. They do not work anymore. The trauma years were from 11 to 18 or 20. I am now 51 yrs old, & beating myself up with the, " You outta be weller by now," crap lately. I have an insane amount of grief, shame, numbness, extreme emotional reactions, immobilization in daily life functioning, keeping intimate relationships at arms length for the safety in vulnerability reaction, memory loss, loss of concentration, feelings of worthlessness, all fueled fro the original traumas, and the physical conditions I am currently dealing with which make it impossible for me to do what I was able to do in the past. I will try to write in my journal the trauma experiences which set the ball rolling so I can print them off to give to my therapist when I find one.So if you feel like knowing more you are welcome to read my journals. I haven't written any of it yet.... that I can remember. If anyone has any info concerning where I'm at which could help me find the right therapist, or help myself through this so I don't have to run or be numb please feel free to share with me. Not sleeping well and tired from writing now. Going to force myself into a hot bath & pray for sleep. Thanks for letting me ramble on & on. In Love Light Truth & Service, "Stubborn" TerrieAnn ralop
Replies
Ralop...first off, let me say, I have not logged in, posted to, read anything from, nor even thought about dailystrength in years. Why did I login today? (by the way...its been so long, I 4got username/password!) The reason is unknown...some things simply cannot be explained.
B4 you look @ my profile, keep in mind...I may not have updated it as of current times. I will work on that ASAP.
I usually write LONG passages, ones that people either love or hate; there is no gray area w/my followers, supporters, and those who provide guidance; there is black/white. I was unusually compelled to read your entry, but without reason...I woke up from my phone\'s email notification; saw a new journal alert, opened and read the one cut-off sentence, and decided to read more. I\'d normally sleep straight thru that. Maybe, something unseen compelled me to return TODAY, amongst all 365days/yr, just this once.
So I read...and read...and then, after reading your entry; I read your 1st entry from \'08. I am in too much pain to write as much as I\'d like, so please understand if my message feels incomplete. I have to tell you: you and I are not very different...for one major reason: like you, I am a walking contradiction (not so much in my own mind anymore, but in the eyes of people who would seek to judge me). Ive lived with chronic pain since 2005, enduring thru 9 major operations, hundreds of doctor visits, roughly 65 different RX meds, roughly 25 specialists, a few dozen ER visits, about 1month total time in hospital stays, and all the while...I\'m STILL a recovering addict, clean/sober since 2002. I\'m a recovering heroin addict who has been taking Methadone for pain since 2006...THAT is an anomaly if I\'ve ever seen one! Some may call me a hypocrite, some may say I am still an addict, and some STILL believe I\'m \"juicing\" the system for drugs. All I can say to those people is: I\'m clean and sober for almost 10 years...PLEASE give me the benefiting the doubt...if you insist on putting me down or cornering me into your ideal stereotypes; keep your opinions to yourself and leave me and my family alone. I PROMISE, I will tell you my story soon (via new journal entry), but this is about you!
Do not let yourself be gripped by the stronghold of fear; fear of change, fear of intimacy (that must be unbelievably difficult for you), fear of other people\'s agendas, fear of your own sobriety, fear of the medical system (a fear that is all to real sometimes)...but mostly, fear of yourself. I\'m only 30...your only 50, but we\'ve experienced the same problems in many instances. I\'ve been down the path you\'re now hesitant to walk on, trust me! It only gets better once you start walking that direction and leave the dust in the wind. So you know, since I sobered up, I\'ve moved 11 times...imagine, the raw terror and emotion that enslaved us into believing we must change EVERYTHING, to the point of actually relocating our entire life...to somewhere unfamiliar (to us...but mostly...so nobody knows the \"old\" us in this new location). That TERROR that strikes at our core is a blessing, only if we allow it to affect just ONE action: the move. Any action beyond that influenced by that terror only hastens the whole cycle beginning again!
A new location = a new start...BUT; we cannot hide the past. Why? The past is the \"craftmanship\" that made us who we are today! Without it (good & bad), we would be a lump on unmolded clay...nothing but a blank canvas...empty and soul-less. Your experiences are...well...troubling, to say the least. Telling you I\'m sorry for what happened or I understand what you\'re going thru...would be wrong. Im sorry that someone wasn\'t there to protect you, I\'m sorry your life even got to that point, I\'m sorry someone didn\'t recognize the need to help you earlier b4 you dove into the darkness...but I have NO IDEA what you\'re going thru! I only hope this message finds its way to your heart, mind, and soul.
If I could give just a friendly word of advice? Don\'t stop letting out your emotion....writing is one of our most powerful tools, more so than we tend to believe. You do NOT need to share anything so personal that it might allow some individuals (persons who are sick and/or troubled) to actually find enjoyment from. I believe you understand what I mean, but its not to say you can\'t let it all out! If you FEEL that you should, then u must. My ultimate point? You\'ve been thru a lot....I can tell by the raw way you write. Something about your writing is haunting, as if I\'ve been there before, but don\'t remember it. You pulled me in with a few words and I could not stop reading until I KNEW that you could end the journal entry on a \"safe note.\" That is POWER! So my advice...with the obvious power you have in your ability to express thru writing...make it YOUR WEAPON. Use the talent you were given, to break down the walls of injustice, crush the stigma and stereotypes, destroy the weakness and doubt...inside of you! You ARE STRONGER than you truly believe, don\'t let that strength gather dust...grasp it; use it, understand it, be a part of it as much as its a part of you!
I have NO idea where you go from here. Understandably, that\'s quite discouraging...for me to say, to end this. The good news? I don\'t need to know where you go! Only you need to know. Sounds corny, right? Well...think about it...if I don\'t know, what makes you believe any therapist will know? Sure, they\'ve got an MD and experience working w/trauma, but you and I have experience working with trauma...1st hand experience. (BTW, did you know that most \"trauma therapists\" have never experience a true trauma in their lifetime? Most jobs I\'ve applied for required 1st hand experience, no matter what the nature. Think about that for a moment!)
Please understand, by NO means should you change course...you need to see a specialist...its something that YOU are desiring, so it has to happen. You already knew that...but what you may not have known is this: you are empowered...you have ALL the tools for success. Every issue at play, whether its your doubt of your true dedication to sobriety b/c you\'re on CP meds, whether its a fear of intimacy, or even you\'re extreme disgust with the way you\'ve been treated by the system: you already have the tools to repair each problem. Maybe the therapist can help you \"unlock\" the toolbox, but only you know how to use those tools!
I can tell you now: your writing is the STRONGEST TOOL you own, w/regards to the obvious unethical, improper, unprofessional, and borderline illegal practices of the many doctors who\'ve treated you. Please, if you think that us happening again...reach out for help! There are many resources you have when a medical professional crosses those boundaries...USE THEM. For example: I was referred to a urologist so he could determine if I had any specific condition/injury that could otherwise explain my constant groin/genital pain. After a 2hr written intake process, a 1.5hr physical exam, and what seemed like a normal and friendly visit...this doctor (who, FYI, was hired by the defense in my workers comp case) made a report that did not ONCE address anything urological...it was a psychiatric evaluation meant to destroy my reputation, make me look like a drug seeker (at a time when I was begging to find a way to LOWER my pain meds), and make me look like a deviant b/c I have tattoos. To think, a doctor could stoop that low as to literally write that I am a drug seeker and I put myself through 6 operations (at that point) just to obtain narcotics, and that my tattoos are a CLEAR indication that I am not trustworthy and my lifestyle suggest I am in the WC case just for money...to think, that is acceptable? Well, 9 surgeries later and a grand total $350 settlement check on a whole body disability impairment rating of 35%...I can tell you this: $$ was never a motivator, I would not wish the past 6yrs of my life on anyone\'s worst enemy, and my tattoos are my personal choice...my OWN art/designs that I created for self expression (mist of which are only visible to myself, my wife, and baby girl. Did he get it wrong? No...he didn\'t get it wrong. What he did was NOT DO THE JOB HE WAS ASKED AND PAID TO DO. He violated MY rights, he slander my name and even my family members (that\'s even more gritty details if his fabrication of lies), and he thought it was all within his RIGHT as a MD to do so.
Well...long story short: I discovered I wasn\'t the only patient he did this to and even worse, found out that he wad paid over $6,000 by the defense for his report...that\'s a 6 with 3 zeros! My settlement: $365 (roughly)...his slanderous manifestation of lies: $6,000. Anything wrong there? So...I reported him to the CA medical board and within no time, he was NOT doing that to anymore patients b/c his license was revoked. Did I find pleasure in that? No....but I\'m damn sure glad he can\'t be paid off to try and ruin anyone else\'s life.
That\'s an extreme measure...but if you find trouble, USE THE POWER of your WRITING to fight back. Consider it the \"hard copy\" of your offensive strategy to never allow a medical professional their \"right\" to hurt you in any way.
You have a strong heart...but your mind has been taught to be overly cautious and defensive. Maybe its time you found a way to \"release\" from that grip? I know you have the ability...don\'t be afraid to ask for help and certainly don\'t hesitate to take ACTION. Your pain will be present, but you don\'t need to live in any additional pain if you have the power to avoid it! Fight it! I wish you well...feel free to message me, b/c I believe your journal entry today has brought me back to life!