Trapped

I feel stuck. I took an oath, "do no harm". I can not in good conscience, kick him out to the streets and not offer some help. But I feel so trapped.

The meeting this morning went horribly. Ended in him yelling and storming out. Mad at the world for having a disease the interferes with his perception, emotions, and well... Everything.

He started yelling about killing himself, so his therapist told him that he can not say things like that with out her taking action. So then...

"The system says that I have to live with this, and watch this happen over and over, and I can't even just end it. How about I just go fucking kill someone then? Then they will put me in jail for life."

If I had spoke to him this honestly with out his therapist there the tantrum (excuse me, mania) would of been worse. I was calm, and honest. The therapist asked me if I thought it was possible to resolve this. I said I don't think I can do that, no. 

Well then he didn't see any point in adjusting/switching meds and attempting to get stable. 

All his efforts to get well are hinged on me staying with him. That is unfair, and I do not want that responsibility. I sit there calmly and quietly listening to his anger, ever fiber in me just wanting to hurt him back. I tell them this. 

We are running out of time, but the therapist is patient. She offers to see either of us or both of us again tonight. As I have to go to work. 

His needs, his needs, his needs.... What about mine? I have barely slept in a week. That day I didn't even end up eating till someone gave me pity dinner at work around 6pm. 

I walked to my car, (it was uncomfortably close to his) with phone in hand talking to a friend just in case. 

He again wouldn't take money for the last 10 days rent. Wouldn't take steps to help himself.

I get a text on my way into work that he's willing to check himself into a hospital. But only if I promise to be there when he gets out. I tell him that I think he should, I'm scared for him.

I also got him to call his therapist to see her later. He asks me to go.

I smile at work, its part of my job to be happy, loving, and patient. I take care of elderly dementia patients. 

When I get to the therapists office last night he had been there a while. Good.

He remained calm this time. The therapist took more of a back seat. But she was clearly geared towards our relationship. He got a taste of what I'm actually thinking. She suggested we take the 3hr drive to get in with his psychiatrist earlier, and together. 

I said no. But that he should go. He says that he's only willing to go through the H ell of recovery if he gets to be with me, to do it for me. I ask him if he's trying to martyr himself. "You're asking me to go through H ell with you, after you just screwed me over" "your so good at telling me how I should feel and respond, tell me how I should feel 6 months from now if I test positive for aids? Or cervical cancer?"

I do not want this to be my life. I have my own struggles.

The therapist ends the session asking what she can do to help. Telling us that she believes there is hope. 

He knows that he has burned all his bridges, and he is in full panic mode. This is not my fault, it is not my problem. We have been together 8 months. This is not a marriage. He has not laid down a foundation of years of trust and respect.

She tells me that this is the first time she has known him to raise his voice or be disrespectful. In 2 years of treatment. This is not however, the first time I've seen it in 8 months. 

That morning, waiting for the therapist he asked me "did you get the car thing sorted out?" (I totaled my reliable and much loved car a few weeks ago) I said,  just about.

I spent weeks researching and learning about cars, finding a good used dealership. Then a mechanic. I know little about cars, and went alone to a dealership shaking with apprehension. I put a deposit down crossing my fingers that either the dealership or the mechanics would be honest with me. He had promised to help me with this, as he knows a lot about cars. And I had be devastated about the financial loss and security of my ride. After I found out about his lies, I not once asked anything of him. I've spent hours trying to help him find his footing. But my problems? The things I had asked him for help with.... They are a trivial "thing".

Yes a car is a small thing in the face of life and death.

I do not want that responsibility.

I don't think that I am leading him on, but this is not good.