Trapped.

Hello everyone. I am oh so totally trapped at the moment. I feel cornered by ED and I'm afraid I will never recover. I am starving myself crazy and purging up EVERY little thing I eat. And I do mean EVERYTHING. Quarter cup of nuts. Purge. 70 Cal pudding. Purge. Few bites of salad. Purge. I am in very deep with this right now and I don't know how to get out of it. I am very depressed because I feel like I will never be alright. I will never be alright with food and I will always have this motherfucking eating disorder to live with. I go to sleep at night thinking of how I wish my heart would just stop. I am the only person who is so ungrateful for their life and I hate that about myself. I always wonder what would happen after I died. I don't want to keep living in this awful cycle. I am so fucking NUMB and when I do feel it is nothing but anxiety and pain. I hate it.  Oh, and there was this boy I liked. I had my friend talk to him for me and see if he liked me back. He said I was really funny and nice, but he saw that I cut and it "weirded him out." That really got me. Like, god almighty, can you really not see past my scars? Am I really not worth it to you? At least give me a chance. I'll try for you. I don't think I will ever find love. Nobody wants to love a broken girl. I am hopeless.  I don't know what to do. I am simply trapped.