Tragedy today
So Today I sawa the nutritionist and she was really nice, but her first order of business was for me to promise her not to BP. I did and even then ED was laughing at the promise. knowing just well that I was already thinking about food. Her next thing was that I was supposed to keep busy, and stay out of the house because the house was triggering. OH yea, did I mention that my husband went with me? So he heard everything too. Well we went home. Instead of running the million of errands we had to do today. He said that he was busy and went on to play his video game. Me I watch TV and saw all the triggering commercials. And I even decided to watch the food network. Of course she was making a cake. My husband came in and I asked him what we were going to do for dinner. He said he wasn't hungry. I guess that is fine, but we have no food in the house and there was no way that I was going to go grocery shopping by myself with all the trigger foods. He then told me that we just ate and I shouldn't be hungry wither. Well we ate like 6 hours ago and unlike him, I function with 3 meals a day and maybe some snacks. Thats how I am supposed to eat. So I basically said f*ck it and ordered two pizzas. They were the healthy thin crust kind with light cheese, extra souce, and extra veggies. The thing is, you are not supposed to eat the whole box. After that ED knew it was game on. I was freaking out because at that point, I wanted chocolate. I wanted sweet. I told Chris I was going to the store and he said he was going with me because he too knew what was coming. We made a big scene at the store as I bought my brownie and cookies. Then he ran to the car and locked me out saying that I could oly come in if I gave him the food. I said no I will walk home and I did. I stuffed that food in my mouth on the way, then went to another store and bought donuts and more cookies. By the time I got home my stomach was cramping and I thought I was going to die. I literally felt like my stomach was about to explode. He came out and asked if I wanted to go for a walk with him. I said that there was no way I could move and that my stomach was going to burst. He yelled Fine! go throw up. I went into the bathroom and he jiggled the doorknob. I didn't care at that point anymore and I let him in. He freaking sat and watched me. While he was watching, he made comments like how disgusting I was and how disgusting this was and how it smelled and how it was making him sick. I really didn't care lik I said before and told him 10 times to leave. I was still going to purge and there was nothing he could do about it. He forced me to stop halfway though. I was so pissed that I almost hit him. I was pissed at the whole situation. We fought for another hour. Him saying how we shouldn't have gotten married, how I am worthless, how blah blah blah. I didn't know what to say so I kept on apoligizing. I know he cares and that this affects him too, but he is going at it the wrong way. I purged again and he got really mad again. I cannot believe he watched me and that he tried to make it seem like putting me down was going to stop me. I don't know what to do with him.. Oh yea on a humorous note, I was wearing a black oversized dress with full make-up and my hair done. I must have looked so funny walking down the street with all of that food being shoveled in my mouth. I mean when I think about it I am LMAO!! When I went to the store the guy behind me said "wow you must be hungry!" I said yes very hungry. I am just picturing with others probably saw and I probably looked like a crack whore (which I am, only my crack is very legal)
Replies
It\'s insane for the nutritionist to just tell you to stop. Realistically, a goal for Bulimics is to lower the amount of times you binge and purge then eliminate it. I know, I\'ve been through it. But on another note, do get out when you\'re stressed and ready to binge, but don\'t go out near grocery stores. And never shop when you\'re in a binge mood. Not as easy as it sounds, I still have issues.
As for your husband, my boyfriend has come into the bathroom when I was purging and it made me feel horrible. I hated myself. I felt disgusting. There was no need for words, but he was so angry and upset.. Tell your husband how it effects you. And tell him that he needs to help you to not binge. And him offering to take a walk AFTER you\'d binged didn\'t help. Tell him that you\'re in the binging mood and need him to go with you then, not after it\'s happened.
Find things to do that aren\'t binging, like writing. And do avoid the food network. I will flat out tell my boyfriend we have to have a meal now or I\'m going to binge. He\'ll also help me get my mind off of it. Just find out how to get your husband to help and if he won\'t find a friend. You can always message me.
I know this is long and rambling, but I hope some of it helps. Like I said, message me and we can talk specifics or just talk.
-Barbara
I\'m so sorry about the lack of support from your husband. Have you guys seen a counselor together? That\'s not cool for him to talk to you that way. What are your feelings about that?
The fact that he offered to go for a walk shows that he\'s trying to help you...but he\'s going about it all wrong... he doesn\'t understand how to deal with ED... nor does your nutritionist... they think its something that you can just turn off shug... of course WE know its not... I\'m sorry that your going through this and YOU know it\'s time to get someone that can point you in the right direction to stop this pattern... it sounds to me like you want to.. but the ED is controling your life your thoughts... We\'ve all been there... and I\"m not saying that what your husband is doing is right... by no means is he right for how he\'s talking to you... you already know what you need to do to be healthy...and going to a nutritionist will help... but I think counseling will help you to shut out that ED\'s voice will be even more help... sometimes he can be so loud (ED\'s voice) I\'ve been dealing with him for a very long time... and he\'s a pain in the ass... emotional eating is comforting.. and makes you feel better for the moment... but when that pleasure is over..(like in 15 seconds in some cases) reality hits again... and here comes the voice of the ED... and you feel rotten again... and then you must make yourself feel good again... Purging... and in some wierd way... your husband has taken a role as the reality voice of the ED... I hope you are following me on this one... have you ask him about counseling together... ??? or would he be too busy for that?? im me if you wanna talk shug... I\'m ususally on here most days...love and hugs..
aw hunni bee. Your husband needs to get a grip! He needs to support you and help you not force you to purge. You are not disgusting at all, this is an illness that people who dont have the condition think it isnt but it is. You are worthy no matter what people say, God says you are and thats good enough for me so hopefully it will be an encouragement to you
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