Tough days.

Well, I'm more than 7 months in and it is remarkable. I used to leave J. for a aweek or two at times to attend classes in another state or something like that and I hated being away from him. So it astounds me that I amd still alive after seven months. Trying new things has been good. I've had plays and concerts and entered a weaving in the county fair, but the days seem to stretch on endlessly. Of course, it is extremely hot in the Midwest now and I am not a hot weather person. I quit mowing at noon today because it was 90 degrees and still climbing. I've been isolating today in the house with the dogs. No meeting tonight, I spoke briefly with a neighbor but that is it. Another neighbor is going into hospice soon and my father-in-law is getting frailer and frailer. A good friend has dementia. As for me, I've got it all, a paid-for house, a part-time job in the fall at a very good school, great families; step, bio and in-law, wonderful friends, adequate, though slightly tight finances, good health - and all I can think is, what's the use? I believe my husband is well and happy in whereever Heaven is, but I am down. I usually push myself to help others, be grateful, exercise, eat well, and do all that good stuff, and I continue to do so but it just feels like I'd like to fall asleep in my chair and not wake up. I am not self destructive, never have been, but I am tired of making the effort. Am I ever going to get through this? 
I know I am being hopelessly whiny tonight but I'm tired of being strong and having a good attitude. I'm a big believer in "Fake it til you make it" but I am not sustaining my usual determination right now. I absolutely know that there are many people on this site and around me that lack basic necessities, have heavy obligations, poor health and few relationships. I am being a brat and that is a fact. But I just want to see my darling again. I don't want him back in this old world, I want to go to him. I want to be able to actually enjoy something, not just try to enjoy it.
I'll end with my usual gratitude list even if I don't feel real sincere.
DS. The people here are smart, insightful and kind.
Heat wave should end in a couple of days.
I made it through another day so I'm one day closer to Heaven
Living alone I can go around in minimal clothing.
Dogs and cats.
Trees for shade.