Tough days.
Well, I'm more than 7 months in and it is remarkable. I used to leave J. for a aweek or two at times to attend classes in another state or something like that and I hated being away from him. So it astounds me that I amd still alive after seven months. Trying new things has been good. I've had plays and concerts and entered a weaving in the county fair, but the days seem to stretch on endlessly. Of course, it is extremely hot in the Midwest now and I am not a hot weather person. I quit mowing at noon today because it was 90 degrees and still climbing. I've been isolating today in the house with the dogs. No meeting tonight, I spoke briefly with a neighbor but that is it. Another neighbor is going into hospice soon and my father-in-law is getting frailer and frailer. A good friend has dementia. As for me, I've got it all, a paid-for house, a part-time job in the fall at a very good school, great families; step, bio and in-law, wonderful friends, adequate, though slightly tight finances, good health - and all I can think is, what's the use? I believe my husband is well and happy in whereever Heaven is, but I am down. I usually push myself to help others, be grateful, exercise, eat well, and do all that good stuff, and I continue to do so but it just feels like I'd like to fall asleep in my chair and not wake up. I am not self destructive, never have been, but I am tired of making the effort. Am I ever going to get through this?
I know I am being hopelessly whiny tonight but I'm tired of being strong and having a good attitude. I'm a big believer in "Fake it til you make it" but I am not sustaining my usual determination right now. I absolutely know that there are many people on this site and around me that lack basic necessities, have heavy obligations, poor health and few relationships. I am being a brat and that is a fact. But I just want to see my darling again. I don't want him back in this old world, I want to go to him. I want to be able to actually enjoy something, not just try to enjoy it.
I'll end with my usual gratitude list even if I don't feel real sincere.
DS. The people here are smart, insightful and kind.
Heat wave should end in a couple of days.
I made it through another day so I'm one day closer to Heaven
Living alone I can go around in minimal clothing.
Dogs and cats.
Trees for shade.
I know I am being hopelessly whiny tonight but I'm tired of being strong and having a good attitude. I'm a big believer in "Fake it til you make it" but I am not sustaining my usual determination right now. I absolutely know that there are many people on this site and around me that lack basic necessities, have heavy obligations, poor health and few relationships. I am being a brat and that is a fact. But I just want to see my darling again. I don't want him back in this old world, I want to go to him. I want to be able to actually enjoy something, not just try to enjoy it.
I'll end with my usual gratitude list even if I don't feel real sincere.
DS. The people here are smart, insightful and kind.
Heat wave should end in a couple of days.
I made it through another day so I'm one day closer to Heaven
Living alone I can go around in minimal clothing.
Dogs and cats.
Trees for shade.
Replies
What you are feeling is very normal for 7 months. It\'s wonderful that you have a naturally positive attitude. To be able to even think of gratitude at this point is more than many 7-mo. widows can do. Losing a spouse is like losing half of yourself -- you just can\'t recover quickly (in most cases). It is extremely hot where I live also - central MS. This is normal for our summers, and I hibernate inside with the a/c a lot. I do get lonely, and try to get out & about some. Like you, I count my blessings daily and realize how well off I am in so many ways. I\'m approaching the 3rd anniversary of my husband\'s death (9/2/08) and I am much better emotionally than at your stage. In fact, I started feeling better after the one-yr. anniv. This isn\'t true for everyone, but if you can continue to \"fake it till you make it\" - you ARE going to be OK! Life is never going to be like it was -- but it does get better. Everyone has bad days and bad times -- even \"non-widows\" -- so it\'s perfectly normal for you to feel the way you do today. I HOPE TOMORROW IS MUCH BETTER!
Take care - Doye
Thanks, doyew, this means a lot.
You will be okay! You are so positive and I have appreciated your gratitude lists from the very beginning. It is absolutely okay to have whiny days. Hugs today, Dawn
Thank you, Dawn. I\'m an admirer of yours.
Sounds like you have hit one of the grief walls that we come up against from time to time. I also think you are going to be better than fine. You do have a good positive attitude, and feeling gratitude is so important in being \"happy.\" We all deserve to whine every now and again, especially when it is so early in the grief process, as you are. Grief is exhausting! Little wonder that we want to go to sleep and never wake up. Just keep putting on step in front of the other. I can promise you that better days are coming. Hugs. Amy
You are not being whiny, you are expressing how so many of us feel. Just over 8 months for me and I still am struggling to know what to do with my self. I think back though and I am not crying every day at least. I can see someone in public (most times) without breaking down so we are improving little by little. I hope for some peace and joy in our lives, I pray for all of us here, hugs Lu Ann
I pray for us all too and I thank you both for your comments. I am feeling better now. You guys are my lifeline!