Torn apart

     My wife passed away so suddenly. The flu advanced quickly to pneumonia. She was so young and beautiful. We were at the doctor one day earlier. We came home with antibiotics and albuterol for breathing treatments. The next morning began my worst nightmare. She had been resting in the family room recliner. Sometime around 5am she ran into the bedroom and collapsed in my arms. We dropped to the floor together. 911 call and I immediately started CPR. No breath, no pulse and she turned blue so fast. I worked so hard. CPR classes can't prepare you for the horror. I feel the cracks from her ribs. Oh God. I scream so loud but continue on in complete horror. I hear the screams coming from my young children. My heart bleeds for them. When the EMT's arrive to relieve me I am in shock. They somehow manage to get us into another room to comfort each other. She regained pulse at some point but they were still breathing for her. It had been a snowy night but their response time was commendable. The timeline of events is all a blur for me. But the last thing I remember was the look of fear from the EMT that had relieved me when he too was relieved. I drilled him with questions but I think he remained silent to protect our hope. He knew. She arrested 2 more times in route to the local hospital and then on to the University Hospital via the MedVac. On the drive out the doctor phoned with very slim chances for her. I lost it behind the wheel. I drove out alone and thank the Lord I'm still here. She and I were stuck like glue. We guarded our hearts for one another. My pain and guilt is so bad. I have a little peace knowing that she is of no pain anymore. 9 years prior we lost our 6 month old and the pain and guilt she lived with from that is far beyond what I am feeling. The bond between mother and baby is the most beautiful thing on this planet. We were there for each other when our boy went through exactly what she did. CPR. The drive from hospital to hospital. All the same senarios except I was at work when she found him blue. I never understood how much pain she had but I now feel the guilt. There are no words for how I miss her. Take care of our boy now Babe. I know how you missed him.